2019 Weekly Picks Winner
Jete (pron. jeet): 1. formerly Jets, New Jersey-based quasi-professional football team renamed by retired player Tony Richardson during the 2017 NFL draft.
stank (pron. staynk): 1. a past of stink; 2. condition endemic to the New Jersey Jete, characterized by a mixed odor of burnt hair/used motor oil/rotting swamp flora accompanying feelings of despair and futility from on-field ineptitude.
Affliction Begets Pandemic
Some call it the ultimate ruse: New Jersey Jete owner and pharmaceutical magnate Woody Johnson spawning Covid-19 from the mental/olfactory malady known as “Jete stank” in a diabolical quest for federal vaccine funding. Belief that the deadly Covid pandemic originated in East Rutherford, N.J. – not China – has gained traction with Qanon faithful and like-minded conspiracy buffs across the globe. Their theory is chillingly compelling. Noting unusual tolerance for bad football by an eagerly masochistic fan base, Woody ordered Johnson & Johnson chemists to craft a potently infectious somatic variant from the “stank blueprint” – blending Wrecks Ryan-procured toe fungus, local swamp gas extract and Sam Darnold mononucleosis samples as viral building blocks. Johnson reasoned that if fans so disregarded their own psychological wellbeing by continually attending Jete games, they’d similarly dismiss an overt physical health threat. His dark gamble proved correct as the New Jersey-New York region became America’s pandemic epicenter in early 2020. After more-reputable rivals Pfizer and Moderna seized early leads in Operation Warp Speed vaccine development, Johnson & Johnson wormed its way into the federal sweepstakes with a cheap, expedient “one-shot” pitch. That pitch came with a hitch, however. Johnson & Johnson’s already shoddy public image took another massive hit when the U.S. Food and Drug Administration paused vaccine production upon reports of dangerous side effects. Recipients now are issued a warning with their J&J shots. Meanwhile, Woody’s football team gets its umpteenth “fresh start” after a disastrous 2-14 campaign in 2020, trotting out new coach No. 22 and second rookie “franchise-savior” quarterback in just three years. The question remains, will 2021 Jete season tickets also include a public service warning?