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Jete (pron. jeet): 1. formerly Jets, New Jersey-based quasi-professional football team renamed by retired player Tony Richardson during the 2017 National Football League draft.
stank (pron. staynk): 1. a past of stink; 2. condition endemic to the New Jersey Jete, characterized by a mixed odor of burnt hair/used motor oil/rotting swamp flora accompanying feelings of despair and futility from on-field ineptitude.
skank (pron. skaynk): 1. a sleazy or unpleasant person; 2. a dirty or unpleasant substance; 3. a combination of definitions 1 and 2 in male or female form portraying a Jete player, fan or team employee.
HOT MOMMY AND THE MILF HUNTER
Wanton debauchery and sexual depravity are abiding hallmarks of Jete lore. From Hall of Famer Joe Namath’s whoremongering and commercial pantyhose posing to head coach/foot fetishist Wrecks Ryan pimping his wife on Internet kink sites, New Jersey’s unlovable losers are confirmed bottom-dwellers morally as well as in the standings.
Documented perversities abound: Tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. arrested while masturbating in a Target store parking lot … Quarterback Brett Favre sending **** pics to team employee Jenn Sterger … Quarterback Geno “Choad Boy” Smith blatantly sexting an Atlanta woman … Yet another quarterback, Mark Sanchez, photographed dancing nude with two fully clothed women, also seen dating local high school girls … Drunk and disorderly wide receiver Robby Anderson threatening to rape a police officer’s wife … An entire Jete player roster ordered to enter sensitivity training for sexually harassing Mexican sideline reporter Ines Sainz … Even the infamous buttfumble involved an innocent bystander’s backside getting bizarrely violated.
Jete fans, of course, are no better, demanding female patrons expose themselves as a rite of entry through Gate D in old Giants Stadium. And who could forget diehard Jete fan Nick Gilronan winning the International Small Penis Pageant. Finally, it’s hardly surprising that actor Fred Savage – who portrayed a Jete fan in late-1980s/early ‘90s television series The Wonder Years – was fired from the show’s reboot over (you guessed it) sexual harassment allegations.
Which brings us to 2022 and most recent accounts of Jete degeneracy. Observers will recall the shameless public drooling over an appearance by attractive health/wellness Instagram star Lisa Wilson – mother of first-round quarterback Zach Wilson (a/k/a Punky McMilfson) – at last year’s NFL draft ceremonies. “Hot Mommy,” of course, became an immediate hit with New York tabloid media and it wasn’t long before Punky ditched his pious Mormon upbringing for Satan’s Big Apple embrace. Thus ensued the “mother” of X-rated Jete melodramas.
The proverbial crap hit the fan(s) when Punky’s transplanted Utah girlfriend, high school sweetheart Abbey Gile, began dating the quarterback’s former Brigham Young University teammate (now Washington Commanders wide receiver) Dax Milne. In a supposed move to distract from her alleged “homie hopping,” Gile dished on social media that Punky bedded his 49-year-old mother’s best friend. It remains unknown which illicit dalliance happened first – Giles’ or McMilfson’s. Also unknown, at least publicly, is the identity of Punky’s elder conquest as Lisa pleads ignorance over which “BFF” did the dirty deed.
Naturally, it wouldn’t be the Jete without karma weighing in. Punky’s sordid indiscretions, while celebrated by ethically bankrupt fans, proved too much for fate to bear: He suffered a serious non-contact knee injury during the team’s first preseason game. Unconfirmed reports suggest he was distracted mid-play by a forty-ish female fan propositioning him from the upper deck. McMilfson underwent surgery and will miss at least the first two regular-season tilts.
As this tawdry tale continues, one constant even older than Punky’s mom remains indisputable: Jete suckage is alive and well on the stanky, scummy shores of Jersey.