Life is a constant learning and just like in school sometimes the lesson is hard and we can't understand the subject no matter how we try, but it the end, we do understand. You're going through a rough time but have faith things are going to get better but please don't try to face this illness alone. You need professional help, as you have already acknowledged.
I'm going through bad times too, probably not as bad, but bad anyway, the fact that now I'm on my own makes things worse sometimes, my parents already passed, no kids, no one to account for, no one depends on me, that's a dangerous zone and even though I don't think that far, sometimes It's like "well if it happened in natural ways, it would not be such a tragedy" but anyway the worse has passed, I'm now getting out of this tunnel and the lights are starting to shine for new times. I hope you find your way, I'm just saying this because if it's the case, if you are in your own and need to talk to someone who has been in this situation and if you need to talk, do not hesitate to send me a message.
Another advice, if the environment you live is not helping you, move out. Restart somewhere else, go to a different city, state, wherever. Face something new, face this challenge, meet people that didn't know you in your current state.
Your post is a positive thing, it means you're looking for ways, you're not ok with this situation, YOU DON'T WANT THIS. Stay strong man and someday you're gonna look past this and acknowledge that it was bad times but that made you much stronger.
