The old 60 Minutes would have ripped this jackass apart.
Maybe South African reporter Lara Logan will come back to do this piece.
LL: I don't understand American football, how important is the ball's weight? Is a couple of pounds really as bad as taking performance enhancing drugs?
RG: Hypothetically, if one player is throwing a ball that is 2lbs lighter than the opposing player, with 50 passes each during a game, several hundred passes over a season, all that weight adds up into thousands of pounds, or something. We had Exponent study it. They concluded that: "There is not a single player in the league, even if you gave him all the steroids in the whole wide world, that could throw thousands of pounds of balls [redacted] like Tom Brady does." That is a huge competitive advantage.
LL: The Patriots claim to have demonstrated with physics-
RG: Pardon my interruption, Lara. Physics, really? That whole *air quotes* science *air quotes* was invented by a dude that was dumb enough to read a book under an apple tree during picking season when food was scarce. And *laughter* he got hit in the head by a falling apple. You can't make this *bleep* up! *uncontrolled laughter into a robotic stare*
RG: As you can see, confronted with the evidence I was given, I was lenient in the penalty phase.
LL: Indeed. It does seem you were extremely generous.
LL: Speaking of generous, October is just around the corner, and I understand you are the brilliant and caring man behind the idea of making people aware of breast cancer by wearing pink clothing. Please use the remainder of the segment to tell us more about the kind, gentle, caring man you truly are?