But is that really true? Have we actually covered all the angles by which the Jets suck? I think not.
For instance, we have not discussed whether it is, in fact, a necessity that the Jets must suck. Is there perhaps a universe where, by some strange twist of fate, the Jets do not suck? What would such a universe look like? I posit that such a universe would consist of Rex Ryan's gut being a replacement for the black hole at the center of the Milky Way galaxy. However, since the Jets do not suck, this would make him a very, very proud individual. He would actually be so full of himself that his ego would acquire nearly infinite mass. However, this would therefore lead to one of two possibilities.
You have actually pinpointed one inherent contradiction in a universe wherein the Jets don't suck.
The inherent contradiction is that in our universe, although the Jets suck almost as a law of nature, that suckosity is multiplied by the mass of Rex Ryan's ego (and to a lesser extent, by the transitive principal of disgust, his girth.)
In the alternate universe in which the Jets begin to
not suck, to the extent the Jets approach non-sucking, their collective egos, in orbit around Ryans, will begin to suck in direct proportion to the nonsuckiness of their play.
As you say, in such a universe, perhaps paradoxically, the massive egos of the incongruously non-sucking Jets begin immediately to suck, replacing the suckdom of their habitually mediocre on-field play.
The first is that the ego could not be contained in such a frame. In that case, the gravitational force holding the galaxy would abruptly vanish, flinging solar systems across the known universe at such a rapid rate that the universe would quickly reach that state known as "entropic death," extinguishing all life and thereby preventing the universe from not sucking.
Again, you understand the implications of a non-sucking Jets alternate reality well. The only implication missing is that even if the Jets do not suck, their egos and the mediasphere without which Jets as we know them could not survive would suck in
more than inverse proportion to the non-suckiness of the Jets in general. That is to say, as the Jets move incrementally toward not sucking - coming in second in their division, for example - the mediasphere adjusts with a
geometric progression
toward sucking, and their egos become massive enough to far overcompensate for the non-suckiness of the on-field performance.
The other possibility is that his corpulent frame holds his ever-bounding ego. However, because you know have an infinite mass in a very large, but still finite volume, the result would be a gravitational collapse that would make a black hole look like trying to suck an ocean through a straw. Such a universe must necessarily implode instantaneously, as all mass would be sucked in by his ego.
Therefore, because all universes in which the Jets do not suck inherently lead to a contradiction such that they cannot exist, we must necessarily conclude that the Jets suck in every possible known universe.
Not so fast, my classical friend. In the world of Quantum Suckanics, it is possible that the rules are quite different in alternate realities, or for that matter, at a very small scale.
Such a scale is what is used to measure the likelihood of JESTs winning anything that would not strike a Pats fan as a disappointment - say, just winning (or worse, just
appearing in) the AFC championship.
Since the likelihood of the JESTs appearing in the Super Bowl are so infinitismally insignificant, the possibility of the Jets not sucking should they ever reach that stage is somewhat fouled by our only incipient understanding of sucking in very unlikely situations, such as how the JESTs are likely to suck in the next Super Bowl they appear in (perhaps sometime in the middle of this century.)
PFnV
