BRITISH NEGOTIATOR EN-ROUTE AROOSTOOK THROUGH DENMARK
by B. O'Rocks
AROOSTOOK - Day four of the Black Fly Bunker Crisis saw little change, the most significant being an urgent telex to the Pacific Northwest for Black Butte Porter to deal with some form of aerodynamic fungus drifting in from the southwest. Experts report the fungus has an affinity for Black Butte Porter and can be dealt with safely once it's fully saturated.
Outside the cordoned off region, a shrine to the Prophet Ian Logue has been established by unwashed and aromatic followers of the Guru T-shirtdynasty. Tiny emblems and notes with mystical numbers used in the cult's prayers have been hung from the shrine which resembles the letters "BB." Most prevalent is the number 6, but 12 , 93, and 54 have strong followings, with one lone 8 hanging from a yarmulke-like offering with Chinese characters around the edge. A small tag along the inside rim read "Made In Hong Kong" in English. The Chinese translator with the Peacekeepers reported the writing appeared to be in some "mystic code" when read normally, but when read right to left spelled out "coffin corner" and "hangtime." "Probably a Chinese joke on one of the Guru's followers," he surmised, "those Chinese are great ones for practical jokes."
News from the hostage negotiators themselves was limited. The U.S. Chief Negotiator, code named "shmessy" by the State Department, held his or her scheduled telephone-conference with the press last night. But the security restrictions involving the loud crunching of garlic flavored pita chips limited the envoy's responses to inarticulate mumbles. In Nova Scotia, the Canadian Chief Negotiator disappeared shortly after receiving instructions from his government and was reported to be secreted with his staff in a public facility somewhere near the waterfront awaiting transportation to Jamaica. Authorities declined to comment on the envoy's travel itinerary, and reporters were not allowed to pass police barricades enclosing the area. Additional police could be seen patrolling heavily and conducting security sweeps building by building.
Overseas, Her Majesty's Government announced they were sending Special Envoy Madame Gzheegato to "assist our Canadian counterparts vigorous efforts to prevent the return of this region to the Crown." A Foreign Service Officer who spoke on condition of anonymity stated "Her Majesty is very concerned that young George may use this crisis to slip something by us, next the blighter will probably claim Detroit and Buffalo are part of Ontario."
The British envoy will travel first to Denmark for a briefing on local conditions and native culture from noted Brown University scholar F.B. Nutt. She will then set sail in a longboat for Newfoundland, before following the coastline around to Bar Harbor, ME. "The odd travel arrangements are to acclimate her to the harsh conditions prevalent in the region," explained the Foreign Office Spokeswoman, "while Madame is experienced with harsh living conditions and rough companions from her days with the SAS in Birmingham, she hasn't been 'downeast' as it were."
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