My Dearest Abigaile,
I fear the enemy has moved beyond merely using scientific theory of the ideal gas law and the principles of Kelvin on our Gatoraide. It now appears some sort of sorcery is in their midst, as they have taken to worshiping inanimate objects composed as some type of colored woolen cap with round object affixed to the top.
The troops and myself have never witnessed such wickedness, and hope that you will pray for our continued well being and safety in the face of this unconquerable foe that has shown every indication that it shall lead to our inevitable destruction.
Yours Truly,
Andrew
P.S. Have you had any takers on the sale of the farm, my contract with the brigade may not be renewed.