Now 13 years of age, Mortimer Porksley, son of Biff and Bambi Porksley, was beginning to come of age. Ever aware of his own circumstances, he has begun to worry incessantly on a day-to-day basis. One early morning, he descended down the stairs from his suite and into his mother’s room.
“Mother?”
“Yes, what is it, Mortimer?”
“I don’t want to go to school today,” Mortimer replied with tears in his eyes.
Bambi Porksley quickly cleaned the dust off the mirror, put down her glass of Dom Perignon, and wiped the tears of her own eyes. She asked Mortimer, “What is it, my special, special boy?”
“The boys at school tease me for not being allowed to play football. They call me “
‘Pork,’ squeeze my breasts together, and threaten to make coitus with them after school,” Mortimer said.
“Oh, dear,” replied Bambi.
“Mother dearest, may I please play football?”
“Now Mortimer, you know how I feel about that dreadful, BRUTISH, sport. Further, you just simply are not athletic. Your father and I did not send you to the Chestershire Auxillary Academy for sports! You are to raise your grades from a C- so you can attend the University of Virginia,” said Bambi with authority.
“Please, mother! I don’t know how much more of this I can take,” yelled Mortimer, tears beginning to run down his ample cheeks.
Bambi, beginning to see through the haze of the pain killers she snorted combined with her 6th glass of champagne before 9:00 AM could clearly tell that her hefty son was in distress. She called for his father, Biff.
“Oh Biff!” called Bambi.
“Yes, my liege?,” replied Biff.
“Do make haste and come to my room, please,” Bambi said.
As Biff arrived to Bambi’s room (they did not share the master suite, and had not made love in several years), Bambi began to tell Biff what Mortimer had shared with her.
“Well, I will not have a son of mine playing sports,” Biff growled. “If he is being bullied, I shall write the headmaster at Chestershire and inform him that thugs are tormenting Mortimer! That shall put an end to this foolishness.”
Unfortunately, that letter from Biff never arrived in time. When Mortimer arrived at school that day, the bullies, led by Lionel Drake, forced Mortimer into the bathroom, quickly overpowered him, and performed various sexual acts on him before dunking his head into an unflushed toilet. Mortimer would never tell anyone that he secretly enjoyed the acts, and closed his eyes to picture his tormentors as the head coach of the New England Patriots - William Belichick.
