I Could Use Your Thoughts and Prayers

[anditsgood]

I do not know if I would take her in if she came back. I will pray for her always the rest of my life. And I would always help her as a friend. But, before I took her back as my life partner, I would insist on counseling for both of us. That's today's plan anyway.
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Ive was in a relationship where the girl was abused for year by an older brother, it always seemed like when things started to go wrong with us, she brought that back up, It was rough, and at times, i wonder if i made the right decision. Unless she is willing to love you as much as you do her, then i would stay a distance away, The dark side of her knows she can suck you in whenever she needs, this is why you need to be strong and distant, If she can show as much as commitment to you, as you her, then maybe baby steps. You cannot show her, as she has to figure that out herself, All you can do is pray, but pray and dont wait. If it happens, it happens, but if dont, dont beat your self up over it, Need to move on, whether its with or without her,but one thing for sure, dont take back what left. You deserve better than that.

 

[Nikolai]

The rest of your post is pretty...complicated...to digest. I can't speak to it, even if I stand by the PM I sent. But this?

I've always looked at myself as being weak, but it turns out I'm a fairly tough bastard after all.

Big, fat, huge, fukin, WINNER!

Love this attitude!

 

[neuronet]

Every time I come to this thread I thank God many times you guys have no kids for her to drag through this crap. And I'm an atheist.

Will be some mourning on these anniversaries and holidays, keep coming and leaning on us.

I keep thinking how easy it is for people with Stockholm syndrome to find all sorts of ways to generate sympathy for people that hurt us. Even men who physically abuse their spouses, the woman usually finds something to try to evoke sympathy (e.g., he was abused; he has mental illness; he is a veteran; he really has a good side to him you just have to see it). I frankly don't give a **** about that stuff, once someone hurts a loved one beyond a certain level, my sympathy is gone and I only want to protect my friend, or the spouse, or Kenneth.

She has her british douchebag to play a violin for her now. Or maybe a new fourth personality can take care of the other three. I don't care. Not your job any more. Kenneth can take care of Kenneth, find a new and improved woman eventually who is not so obviously ridiculously and irreparably damaged and manipulative and selfish.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Nikolai]

Every time I come to this thread I thank God many times you guys have no kids for her to drag through this crap. And I'm an atheist.

Will be some mourning on these anniversaries and holidays, keep coming and leaning on us.

I keep thinking how easy it is for people with Stockholm syndrome to find all sorts of ways to generate sympathy for people that hurt us. Even men who physically abuse their spouses, the woman usually finds something to try to evoke sympathy (e.g., he was abused; he has mental illness; he is a veteran; he really has a good side to him you just have to see it). I frankly don't give a **** about that stuff, once someone hurts a loved one beyond a certain level, my sympathy is gone and I only want to protect my friend, or the spouse, or Kenneth.

She has her british douchebag to play a violin for her now. Or maybe a new fourth personality can take care of the other three. I don't care. Not your job any more. Kenneth can take care of Kenneth, find a new and improved woman eventually who is not so obviously ridiculously and irreparably damaged and manipulative and selfish.

Just my 2 cents.

Top notch post that captures my thoughts so well.

And many of us suffer from White Knight Syndrome. We want to ride in and save the damsel, and we think that they will, or at least should, love us even more, or that the bond of love will be stronger. Not so. Ask me how I know.

Kenneth, put the armor away, brother.

 

[shmessy]

Top notch post that captures my thoughts so well.

And many of us suffer from White Knight Syndrome. We want to ride in and save the damsel, and we think that they will, or at least should, love us even more, or that the bond of love will be stronger. Not so. Ask me how I know.

Kenneth, put the armor away, brother.

THIS +1.

Kennneth, as I wrote a couple of days ago before I even knew the rest of the story with your ex:

"WINNER. You are overcoming AND still have the grace to be empathetic."

Keep the empathy and the understanding. That is healing.

However, it is time to take care of yourself. You've done all you can for her.

Carpe the ****ing Diem.

 

[anditsgood]

Every time I come to this thread I thank God many times you guys have no kids for her to drag through this crap. And I'm an atheist.

Will be some mourning on these anniversaries and holidays, keep coming and leaning on us.

I keep thinking how easy it is for people with Stockholm syndrome to find all sorts of ways to generate sympathy for people that hurt us. Even men who physically abuse their spouses, the woman usually finds something to try to evoke sympathy (e.g., he was abused; he has mental illness; he is a veteran; he really has a good side to him you just have to see it). I frankly don't give a **** about that stuff, once someone hurts a loved one beyond a certain level, my sympathy is gone and I only want to protect my friend, or the spouse, or Kenneth.

She has her british douchebag to play a violin for her now. Or maybe a new fourth personality can take care of the other three. I don't care. Not your job any more. Kenneth can take care of Kenneth, find a new and improved woman eventually who is not so obviously ridiculously and irreparably damaged and manipulative and selfish.

Just my 2 cents.

I got to admit, i laughed

Mental abuse can be the worse, Kenneth, walk away, shut down and control those emotions, Easier said than done my friend

 

[aluminum seats]

Man…the plot grows thicker, huh.

I have to say, Kenneth, I found this line from you sort of troubling: “…before I took her back as my life partner, I would insist on counseling…” Well.

Apologies because I don’t recall, but are you receiving professional counseling? Because you one thousand percent need to be doing that. You had to tend to your mother’s mental health issues when your father left at the age of 13. Then you chose as your primary adult relationship a profoundly mentally ill woman. You very recently chose to turn to a football fan board with the news that in a week’s time you would be dead by your own hand.

You’ve received a tremendous outpouring of support from readers here, and that will continue. But this new information about your ex that you’ve just presented, along with you seemingly laying the groundwork for bringing her back into your life…just please make sure you have someone professional, someone trained in this stuff, to help you, ok? In addition to posting here.

Love ya brother.

 

[mosslost]

cease all contact with her would most definitely be the right course of action.

 

[neuronet]

Man…the plot grows thicker, huh.

I have to say, Kenneth, I found this line from you sort of troubling: “…before I took her back as my life partner, I would insist on counseling…” Well.

Yep. Setting yourself up for more hurt, leaving an opening for the evil to get right back in. Letting her keep an open reservation to come back and **** on you again. Seems a bad idea....Stockholm syndrome is real.

Add obligatory caveat here about each of us being individuals blah blah each person is unique. Frankly I fear to even put such a caveat because it could also be seized on as a rationalization to maintain those self-defeating reservations and leave the hooks in there for her to exploit. She knows she has these hooks, and that you are still attached, and doesn't care, and will happily string you along Kenneth knowing that if things go wrong she can just come back because she has kept you waiting with her manipulations. A little quick email is nothing to her, she can send it in 30 seconds and go back to british douchebag and do whatever, knowing that 30 seconds of effort were enough to keep you hooked for days or weeks.

If she feels she needs you now, that's too f-ing bad, she had you once, and ruined that privilege. She gave it up. She has a new support system she needs, you need to look out for yourself. It is more clear now you need to cut all ties with her to be free and grow up and mature and be whole again.

I say this not to mock or be mean, but because I have been there and I know how much it sucks and I know that the only way to escape was to completely sever all ties. It was the only way I escaped the toilet.

I won't harp on this again in this thread, because I don't want to be an a-hole about it and you have to be your own man, but I had to say it and put it out there because I don't want to enable your self-defeating behavior that I see is your willingness to maintain contact with psycho.

This is sent in love and concern, hope it doesn't come off as too naggy

PS Let me be clear I admire your strength. I thought I had a tough life, but frankly yours makes mine look like the Brady Bunch, so I really admire your self-awareness and faith and the strength you have shown through it all. It is truly an inspiration!

 

[Ring 6]

My ex has Dissociative identity disorder stemming from abuse she suffered at the hands of her teenage brother when she was 8 years old. The condition is more commonly known as Multiple (or split) Personality disorder..

For most of our life together, I lived with two distinct personalities each of whom interacted with me differently and had separate memories. One was the mature woman whom I adored. The other by speech, gestures and behavior was a pouty and petulant 8 year old.who would come out when she felt secure such as bedtime or when relaxing around the house. I knew this before I married her, and I married her anyway. I loved her that much and figured after dealing with my mother's problems that I could take care of her as well as anyone.

Last fall I watched a third personality emerge and take control. I will always believe it was brought on by the onset of menopause This personality revealed itself to me on two occasions saying "it put the old (her) away because she was too nice ". It is this personality that cheated on me, left me and broke up a family to be with the man of her obsession.

The hard part is the personality that I loved and loves me is still there. She has been kidnapped. Even after the third personality emerged, there were moments, precious few, when the old her interacted with me. There was a struggle between the personalities. This why she wouldn't see me after she left and hid the time I took it upon myself to see her. Isuspect there still is. When I get emails like "pray for me and sorry I'm weak and needy", it is easy for me to believe that the personality that loves me is reaching out. Especially, when at the same time she sent that email, she posted a recording on the Karoake site of her singing "Unchained Melody". A song whose most memorable lyrics are "I need your love" and "I'll be coming home wait for me".

I know this all sounds crazy which is why I've not posted about it earlier discussing it only with Ian and PB12. But, it's what I've lived. I hope this helps explain why this has been so hard on me, why it had been hard for me to be mad at her and why I've wanted to stay in touch with her knowing it was better for me that I didn't..

Thanks to all of my friends( especially my Patsfans.com friends) and family, I have survived the crush of emotions and lifelong depression, that caused me to want very much to die. I am going to survive this regardless of what happens with my ex-wife. I've always looked at myself as being weak, but it turns out I'm a fairly tough bastard after all.

I do not know if I would take her in if she came back. I will pray for her always the rest of my life. And I would always help her as a friend. But, before I took her back as my life partner, I would insist on counseling for both of us. That's today's plan anyway.




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Every person is different. There is no right or wrong in how to interact with, trust,love, hate etc. others much less one other.
To me the thing you have to consider is given all of the issues and history will you both be happier and healthier apart and would being together be the easy thing but the wrong thing for both of you if it came to that. You are so deeply emotionally invested that being hurt even if you accept its by the disorder not the person is just too devastating.
Good luck to you.


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[ralmat55]

I made a decision today. It is a relief to me really. I believe there is nothing better to do with your life than use it to serve others. This belief sustained me while I cared for my mother and led me into a relationship with my ex that was always more about her than me.

We should give of ourselves completely. But, the relationship between husband and wife is so intimate that it just hurts way too much when that intimacy is broken. I gave my ex my heart, and she crushed it. I could not survive having it crushed again.

I will pray for her always as my sister in Christ. I would help anyway I could as a friend. But today, I decided to take my heart back from her and never give it back to her again. I could never trust her with it. I should not have trusted her with it in the first place.


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[SEA_Pat]

I made a decision today. It is a relief to me really. I believe there is nothing better to do with your life than use it to serve others. This belief sustained me while I cared for my mother and led me into a relationship with my ex that was always more about her than me.

We should give of ourselves completely. But, the relationship between husband and wife is so intimate that it just hurts way too much when that intimacy is broken. I gave my ex my heart, and she crushed it. I could not survive having it crushed again.

I will pray for her always as my sister in Christ. I would help anyway I could as a friend. But today, I decided to take my heart back from her and never give it back to her again. I could never trust her with it. I should not have trusted her with it in the first place.


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So relieved to hear this Kenneth, you were wavering there for a bit. Keep strong and move on.

 

[Nikolai]

I made a decision today. It is a relief to me really. I believe there is nothing better to do with your life than use it to serve others. This belief sustained me while I cared for my mother and led me into a relationship with my ex that was always more about her than me.

We should give of ourselves completely. But, the relationship between husband and wife is so intimate that it just hurts way too much when that intimacy is broken. I gave my ex my heart, and she crushed it. I could not survive having it crushed again.

I will pray for her always as my sister in Christ. I would help anyway I could as a friend. But today, I decided to take my heart back from her and never give it back to her again. I could never trust her with it. I should not have trusted her with it in the first place.


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Did a fist pump reading this. Awesomeness dude. Keep on keepin' on.

 

[neuronet]

Saw this and immediately thought of you Kenneth...

 

[nickw308810]

Happy for you and proud of you Kenneth!

 

[supafly]

Lots of positive thoughts and continued support for @PatsBoy12 and @Kenneth Sims.

Great to see the responses from all.

 

[farn]

Sending good thoughts your way, Kenneth. Lots of us return to this thread and we care about your well-being. Stay strong.

 

[Tony2046]

Some of the recent posts have been tremendous.

Kenneth you are a tough dude. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this forum. It has been inspiring and helpful.

All good thoughts and prayers headed your way.

 

[ralmat55]

I am doing well. Had a rough afternoon as my attorney emailed me the divorce decree signed by the judge. It was just a formality actually, but it got me emotional. Sometimes, I still feel like I'm experiencing a bad nightmare and hope to wake up soon. It's amazing how quickly life as you knew it can change.

I heard from the ex yesterday. Another request to pray for her. This time she explained why saying she didn't know anyone there, couldn't drive and.... she had withdrawn her IRAs and because she couldn't open a bank account in England without a green card she had put all the money (over $60k before taxes and penalties) in her boyfriend's bank account. Not sure why she shared that with me. I think because she feels vulnerable. She should. A fool and her money.


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[supafly]

I am doing well. Had a rough afternoon as my attorney emailed me the divorce decree signed by the judge. It was just a formality actually, but it got me emotional. Sometimes, I still feel like I'm experiencing a bad nightmare and hope to wake up soon. It's amazing how quickly life as you knew it can change.

I heard from the ex yesterday. Another request to pray for her. This time she explained why saying she didn't know anyone there, couldn't drive and.... she had withdrawn her IRAs and because she couldn't open a bank account in England without a green card she had put all the money (over $60k before taxes and penalties) in her boyfriend's bank account. Not sure why she shared that with me. I think because she feels vulnerable. She should. A fool and her money.


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Excellent example of how the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. The ugly, or less attractive side of things are bound to show up over time. It sounds like this is what's happening with your ex.

She wants you to pray for her and to continue contact with you because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Even though she no longer wants to be with you, she still recognizes your positives, and is emotionally trying to lean on you. She made her bed, now sit back and let her lie in it. Unfortunately for her, she may find that her new beau ends up taking her for a ride. Like you said, a fool and their money are soon parted.

I just realized that I somehow managed to throw in 4-5 old sayings in one response, so let that bring a smile to you