FOXBORO, Ma -- Gastrointestinal experts from Massachusetts General Hospital concluded a round of exploratory surgery today, looking for evidence of a fire in the belly of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. The surgeons reported no current flames and, in a surprising finding, no ashes to indicate any past flare-ups of panicked urgency. A spokesman attributed the low fire level to a high build up of icewater in Belichick's veins.
A planned round of brain surgery was cancelled after surgeons failed to penetrate the steel trap.