24. Jason Garrett
Career Record: 29-27 (.518)
With The Cowboys Since: 2010
Jason Garrett is perhaps the NFL’s most affable gent. Relentlessly positive, he never lets the world — or Jerry Jones — get him down. The problem? Aside from that, it’s entirely unclear what he does. He doesn’t call his own plays. He doesn’t get to choose his own assistants. He definitely doesn’t lead the Cowboys to the playoffs. He does get to call timeouts and manage the clock, which he frequently does poorly. Of course, it’s possible he doesn’t even do that. Maybe ‘ol Jer has a set of levers and buttons he controls from the owner’s box. The point is, if you asked Garrett “what would you say … you do here?”, he wouldn’t have a good answer. Which means he isn’t the answer for the Cowboys. Which means Cowboys fans will be forced to endure another year of a failed marriage in 2014. Which means that for all his affability, all Garrett is really providing is pain and suffering.
25. Joe Philbin
Career Record: 15-17 (.469)
With The Dolphins Since: 2012
You might think that, like Garrett, it’s not clear what Philbin does. You’d be wrong. It is clear. Nothing. Philbin does nothing. Philbin is a former offensive coordinator who didn’t call plays even when he was an offensive coordinator. He doesn’t know how to hire assistants. He doesn’t know who to feature on offense. He doesn’t know how to handle a PR crisis. He does know how to project the personality of a cantaloupe that’s learned how to talk. Maybe Philbin’s value added to the Dolphins is immense behind the scenes. His starring role on Hard Knocks wouldn’t suggest that, but work with me. But even if that were true, could it possibly be worth the ineptitude he’s shown on the sideline? Hiring Mike Sherman? Featuring Daniel Thomas? Having no clue how to get to the ball to his No. 1 receiver or keep his quarterback upright? With a playoff berth on the line, Philbin’s team combined for seven points in Weeks 16 and 17. It generated 24 first downs. That would get you fired five times in Cleveland. In Miami, it wins you a power struggle with the general manager. Philbin’s off-the-field victory will ultimately prove pyrrhic for the Dolphins on it.
