LOL Maust... Rather than summarize, I just went with normal length and lower quality....
Patsfans Draftnik Recap 2018, Executive Summary Edition
With the final post of the 2018 NFL Draft, PatsFanInVa has traded expectations with Tony2046 for an extended version in 2019, and a summary Patsfans Draftnik Recap for 2018. But I ended up writing long anyway, and just not paying as much attention to what I write. I hope you enjoy regardless.
General. I want to do this up-front: This is parody. That is like sarcasm or irony. In some cases I will say things I do not really think because they might be funny to somebody. So shut up and laugh, except if you are saying this is super-great and you wish there were more.
General about the actual draft. This draft was the deepest in memory at the Josh position, and we are dangerously thin at the Josh position; monumental blunder to let the opportunity pass us by. Sure we weren’t going to get Josh Rosen or Josh Allen, but we also whiffed on Josh Jackson, Josh Sweat, and any other Joshes I missed. This draft also featured Key and Peele future All American skit names; since this is a controversial topic, I will limit my observations to Equanimeous St. Brown, who went to the Packers at 207. I’m sorry, that name is just tight.
Round by Round, Pats stuff:
Rd 1, Pick 23: Isaiah Wynn, Short Tackle, Georgia. 6’3” of badasss. You do not want to mess with him unless everybody else has a guy that’s 6’6” of badass, at the tackle position. As a draftnick I’m compelled to consider the Eisens and Mayocks of the world, and frankly, this has bust written all over it, even if they were generally positive about how Scarnechhia will use him. Note the Georgia/SEC provenance, reader; I sense a southward disturbance in the Force. Super mobile bowling ball of a tackle, who we should hope is rolling other guys around the field, and they say low man wins. Or Wynns. So. Last observation: me and all my draftnik friends were certain that we could trade our entire first through third rounds and move up enough places to pick my favorite QB prospect. We also passed on that one QB still on the board who scored a 13 on the Wonderlic but was described as coachable. I dunno whether that was a Josh. Anyway: Draftnik Grade: C-
Rd 1, Pick 31: Sony Michel, RB, Georgia. Huh. That’s another Bulldog. Okay that’s weird but nothing to go all tinfoil helmet about. The naming rights craze finally hits the players themselves; scandal in the offing due to pre-professional payments from electronics manufacturer. 7.9 yards per carry in 2017, 16 TDs. Whoever the hell the starter was must have been fierce.
That said: We all know that Maroney was a mistake but there’s nothing wrong with a little evasiveness. This guy couldn’t evade the draft with an all-volunteer army. One cut and go, sometimes no cut and plow; Jeez, when has that ever worked before. He’s also used to sharing the load, and I’m not sure the Patriots can put together a running back committee to allow him to shine. Reserve your replica Michel jersey now with the name He Haiti Me. Draftnik Grade: C
Rd 2, Pick 56: Duke Dawson, CB, Florida. What’s in a name, part 2: If you’re gonna stay with all SEC picks, getting one named Duke Dawson just sounds right. He’s a 5’11 corner, sort of like all our corners, despite my angry draftnik letters to 1 Patriot Place demanding corners measuring 6’ or more in height. Sniffs out ball in air with head on swivel like some ravening woodland predator, all sorts of smarts and earned tools, pretty feet as Rex Ryan would say, chops them til it’s time to stride, rarely fooled, knows routes & what to do about em. Downside: about as gifted as yours truly on Christmas, which is to say, not at all. Short arms, short stride, and the only tackle he’s familiar with is when he goes fishing on the intercoastal. Draftnik Grade: D
Rd 5, 143. Ja’whaun Bentley, ILB, Purdue. Excellent way to spell the first name, and adds to our corps of apostrophes. Somewhat more importantly, big strong ILB who can do what ILBs are supposed to do, stuff runs. Can’t do anything else, really, especially rush the passer. As I mentioned in our pass rush thread, there were zero sacks in the SB until Brady got strip-sacked to put the final screw in that pooch. As a draftnik, of course, I disregard the fact that this final indignity was about not protecting Brady, and focus on our inability to sack Foles. Furthermore, this must have been a latent inability to sack people when we had to even though our pass-rush was toward the top of the league in production. I demand a pass rushing linebacker not some old dependable Ted Johnson pre-CTE guy. So, no. Draftnik grade: D-
Rd 6, 178. Christian Sam, ILB, Arizona State. See above, + can sometimes cover guys. Good solo tackler, which will be handy since as we displayed in SB52, nobody else on our D wants to tackle anybody. Draftnik grade: B-
Round 6, 210. Braxton Berrios, WR, Miami. First off, Braxton Berrios sounds like a British breakfast cereal. “Now with cobbles” would cement that impression. Miami’s not in the SEC but I’m calling them an honorary member. This all reeks of one good road trip when everybody just had the greatest time in the bestest late winter weather EVAH. I’d say he has alligator arms, but that implies that at full extension they can be longer. Also, he probably doesn’t want to hear anything about gators. I dunno how good he is, it’s round freakin 6 and I said I’d do a summary. C.
Round 7, 219. Danny Etling, QB, LSU. Annnnnnd that road trip evidently ended at Mardi Gras. Mo’ SEC, Mo’ SEC, Mo’ SEC. In Etling we’ve found the heir apparent, not to Tom Brady, but to Cliff Kingsbury. Seriously, do not learn this name. We just want the option of not having receivers as emergency QBs. C.
Round 7, 243. Keion Crossen, DB, Western Carolina. This deep in the draft the guys on the television draft crew are googling the prospects. And finding nothing, by the way. I’m just skipping him. If anybody knows whether he’s tall, let me know.
Round 7, Pick 250. Ryan Izzo, TE, Florida State. If I recall correctly, we originally woulda picked at 233, but Philly wanted to lock down an Australian Giant and we snagged another pick you will have never heard of in 2019, PLUS Ryan Izzo, so they could win Rugby League this year. This guy has the potential to back up a guy we hate for being an in-line Tight End when all TEs have to be Rob Gronkowski and score 10 touchdowns a year. But the name does have a ring to it. And Florida state, like Miami, is honorary SEC country.
2018 Patsfans Draftnik Official Draft Class Grade: D+
Bonus: The Southeastern Conspiracy. Like I said I wanted to take less effort this year but it didn’t work real well. I am interested in hearing impressions of this one-region, one-draft concept. Short of renaming the Pat the “Rebels” or something and replacing the Flying Elvis with the real Elvis, I don’t know what this is about. Some kinda Urban Meyer/Nick Saban network? You guys tell me.
