I Could Use Your Thoughts and Prayers

[pherein]

This morning at work I spoke with a customer. She mentioned that her home was now in her husband's estate because he had passed away.

Knowing he was a young man, I asked if his death was unexpected. She said yes before adding that her and their children went to the store and returned to find that their husband and father had committed suicide. He was 34 years old and left his wife with a 14 year old daughter and 10 year old son.

This happened on April 20th. But you could hear the sadness in her voice. I offered my condolences and promised to help her with the problem she called about.

I do not believe in coincidences. On two successive Friday's, I found PB12's post and spoke with this young woman as I deal with my sadness and thoughts of ending my life. God sure does not want me to do. Amazing.

When I get better, I want to find some way to help those who are considering ending their life and to help the families of those who do.

Dealing with people trying to commit suicide was hard. Because we didn't know them, and by the time we were on the scene their minds were almost made up. I mean what do you say?

We loved them and tried to talk and empathize, but only an hour of a stranger that cares for you at that ending point.... doesn't help. I could see their eyes change and jump or put the gun in their mouth.

You never want to get to that point, because I saw they were so embarrassed at that point, they couldn't turn back because its almost like it gave them control to carry it out.

Like quitting , shutting down and going to bed forever. It was a horrible look.

Funny its the same look you see from someone quitting work late at night tired, and going upstairs to bed, like their done.

.. and then to see them lifeless..and that we failed to help them, and their friends/families later, it was hard to see them after.. nothing was there, just a empty piece of meat.



yes, Im trying to scare you a bit Ken, but with the truth. Its a horrible thing that creates so much pain, and not the ending you think it does.



Don't ever put yourself in a corner of never turning back. What your doing is so right and healthy, and everyone is here to support you. Don't waste this or how much people are being loving.

The alternative is way worse than you imagine, and not the easy way out. Its the hardest way for everyone you love, will love 30 years from now, loves you, and needs you 30 years from now.

you are a link in a never ending chain.

We need you here, we want you here.



I think its brilliant you want to help others, that helped me.



This is EMT training

https://www.nh.gov/safety/divisions/fstems/ems/training/course_and_exam.html



only a few weeks training



or

The DBSA, call them

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

 

[pherein]

Anyone who has known me for awhile would be shocked to know that I'm sharing my most secret thoughts this way. I am hardly an open book.

But, it has been so helpful. Just being able to type out my feelings has been cathartic but to have this wonderful community offer their stories, advice and encouragement has been overwhelming. I would hate to think where I would be without you. I know what I planned to be and that was dead. I can't thank you enough..

Goodnight my friends. Have a bad cold and need some rest. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Ken , really proud of you for doing this. Took alot, and Im positive you were scared to death. Just remember what you planned to be hardly happens.
Failure is the mother of invention.
No one did anything right the 1st time. We all will fail, its how we handle it that matters.

 

[Tony2046]

Dealing with people trying to commit suicide was hard. Because we didn't know them, and by the time we were on the scene their minds were almost made up. I mean what do you say?

We loved them and tried to talk and empathize, but only an hour of a stranger that cares for you at that ending point.... doesn't help. I could see their eyes change and jump or put the gun in their mouth.

You never want to get to that point, because I saw they were so embarrassed at that point, they couldn't turn back because its almost like it gave them control to carry it out.

Like quitting , shutting down and going to bed forever. It was a horrible look.

Funny its the same look you see from someone quitting work late at night tired, and going upstairs to bed, like their done.

.. and then to see them lifeless..and that we failed to help them, and their friends/families later, it was hard to see them after.. nothing was there, just a empty piece of meat.



yes, Im trying to scare you a bit Ken, but with the truth. Its a horrible thing that creates so much pain, and not the ending you think it does.



Don't ever put yourself in a corner of never turning back. What your doing is so right and healthy, and everyone is here to support you. Don't waste this or how much people are being loving.

The alternative is way worse than you imagine, and not the easy way out. Its the hardest way for everyone you love, will love 30 years from now, loves you, and needs you 30 years from now.

you are a link in a never ending chain.

We need you here, we want you here.



I think its brilliant you want to help others, that helped me.



This is EMT training

https://www.nh.gov/safety/divisions/fstems/ems/training/course_and_exam.html



only a few weeks training



or

The DBSA, call them

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=home

Wow man. That's a tough job. Thanks for doing it.

 

[resdubwhite]

keep strong folks

 

[nickw308810]

There is so much good on this thread - you can tell there are amazing people on this board. Kenneth and Pb12, I hope you can see how much both of you are helping others because you really are! It is inspiring to see how strong you are and everyone is rooting for you!

 

[pherein]

Wow man. That's a tough job. Thanks for doing it.

Yeah wasnt easy, but I dont do it anymore. Id look at those guys that still do it every day, and give them a nod, smile, wave. I knew exacly what those guys where thinking going up those towers during 911. I would have been one if it was 10 years earlier, and shutter to think of it. They never cared about themselves till it was to late. Those are heros.

 

[ralmat55]

Good morning my friends. Not really sure how I am doing this morning. Have a cold that is annoying me.

Today is fall cleanup day in my town and a friend is coming over with his truck and trailer. The plan is to throw away a lot of stuff- her stuff. Not sure what that will do to me emotionally.

Her treadmill is going bye-bye for sure. That thing must be a dozen years old, and I hate it. I could use it, but it must go. Have a good day friends.

 

[shmessy]

Good morning my friends. Not really sure how I am doing this morning. Have a cold that is annoying me.

Today is fall cleanup day in my town and a friend is coming over with his truck and trailer. The plan is to throw away a lot of stuff- her stuff. Not sure what that will do to me emotionally.

Her treadmill is going bye-bye for sure. That thing must be a dozen years old, and I hate it. I could use it, but it must go. Have a good day friends.

I know I'm looking in from hundreds or maybe thousands of miles away, but here's my hope for how "clean-up day" will go for you, my friend.

CLEANSING and EMPOWERING.

What you are throwing out today represents some of the SHACKLES holding your emotions.

Please look at it as a flushing out and an opening to a new life full of new possibilities.

Please think of those words, CLEANSING and EMPOWERING, today and then feel free and in control. And powerful.

 

[shmessy]

I know I'm looking in from hundreds or maybe thousands of miles away, but here's my hope for how "clean-up day" will go for you, my friend.

CLEANSING and EMPOWERING.

What you are throwing out today represents some of the SHACKLES holding your emotions.

Please look at it as a flushing out and an opening to a new life full of new possibilities.

Please think of those words, CLEANSING and EMPOWERING, today and then feel free and in control. And powerful.

Hey, the fact that you are even planning to do this today clearly means that you are on your way!!!!

That is awesome.

 

[BTTA]

Hey, the fact that you are even planning to do this today clearly means that you are on your way!!!!

That is awesome.

Totally agree. It will probably be a tough day but incredibly therapeutic. You are not only shedding her, but making room in your life. Looking forward to hearing your report on how you experience the day.

 

[PatsBoy12]

Family, I am back! I am sorry to be away. @Kenneth Sims how are you holding up?! I have been better. A few of the board members have helped me through the few rocky moments, but I am still strong. I just wanted to check in with the board. I am feeling like I am getting into the things I like again. I am actually feeling like I can post football again. I am still sending out PMs. I am happy. It is rough at times still, and I know the ebb and flow will continue, but there is more flow these days. I thank you all so much!

@Kenneth Sims it is possible! You can find your way back! I'm not promising you it will be easy. It has not been for me. But, my friend, it IS possible if you want to be happy bad enough. Take courage. Live by and through the strength from this forum, your family and your friends. DO NOT GIVE UP! Those are not just words that I am saying to encourage you. I'm imploring you. I'm convicting you to it. Please, know that it is true. You can make it back! Our trials may be different, but the fight to regain life is the same. If I can do it, then there is NO reason you cannot.

Patsfans, you all are amazing people to me. This forum is amazing. Let's keep it strong and thriving!

 

[boodog]

Yes PB12, I agree that PatsFans is amazing. You and Kenneth are held in high esteem for your courage. Don't give up for yourselves. Don't give up for the people who care about you and that includes your family at PatsFans. And also, don't give up for the countless others who can relate to your struggles and who also find comfort in the words of wisdom and heartfelt support offered by many on this board. I am sure you are aware by now that this thread has been sent to countless others far and wide outside this board. Your lives have meaning and purpose.

 

[neuronet]

Burn her sht in a damned bonfire.

 

[Tony2046]

Burn her sht in a damned bonfire.

Funny you said that. After my ex left etc.... she said "you can have whatever's left". haha.

We lived in a second story apartment at the time with a old dirt gravel parking spot below. So I chucked everything except what I thought I needed out the window. Felt great.

Although, I probably looked a little like Steve Martin at the time.

 

[Joey007]

Family, I am back! I am sorry to be away. @Kenneth Sims how are you holding up?! I have been better. A few of the board members have helped me through the few rocky moments, but I am still strong. I just wanted to check in with the board. I am feeling like I am getting into the things I like again. I am actually feeling like I can post football again. I am still sending out PMs. I am happy. It is rough at times still, and I know the ebb and flow will continue, but there is more flow these days. I thank you all so much!

@Kenneth Sims it is possible! You can find your way back! I'm not promising you it will be easy. It has not been for me. But, my friend, it IS possible if you want to be happy bad enough. Take courage. Live by and through the strength from this forum, your family and your friends. DO NOT GIVE UP! Those are not just words that I am saying to encourage you. I'm imploring you. I'm convicting you to it. Please, know that it is true. You can make it back! Our trials may be different, but the fight to regain life is the same. If I can do it, then there is NO reason you cannot.

Patsfans, you all are amazing people to me. This forum is amazing. Let's keep it strong and thriving!

It really makes me happy seeing the way you've progressed in this thread. Let your actions you have taken be an inspiration for everyone that is in situations like you and Ken have been experiencing.

 

[Joey007]

Burn her sht in a damned bonfire.

Maybe go Office Space style?

 

[ralmat55]

I watched the garbage truck crunch her treadmill. It was therapeutic. All in all, we threw away a lot of junk. The most difficult item to depart with was a kiddie pool we bought for our German Shepherd to get some relief on hot summer days. I still have him plus a black lab as well but I had to get rid of the pool. I can hear my wife now exhorting our dog to get into the pool- "let's go for a swim Moses, let's go for a swim. She loved that dog so much. Doted on him more than many mothers dote on their children. 3 months ago today she left and has never asked about him since.

 

[ralmat55]

Broke down crying when throwing away her Christmas decorations. I was thinking what was so wrong with our life that she had to throw us away. We had a good life. I poured love into her and asked for very little in return. But, that was not enough for her.

I feel so worthless. I loved her with my full devotion and she just threw me away.. Just another failure in a whole lifetime of failures.

Not doing too well tonight as if you could not already tell. When I was 4 years old, I was molested by a babysitter, I do not remember what she did to me, but I remember feeling so dirty and I remember her telling me "that no one would ever love me". She was right. No one ever will.

 

[Ian]

Broke down crying when throwing away her Christmas decorations. I was thinking what was so wrong with our life that she had to throw us away. We had a good life. I poured love into her and asked for very little in return. But, that was not enough for her.

I feel so worthless. I loved her with my full devotion and she just threw me away.. Just another failure in a whole lifetime of failures.

Not doing too well tonight as if you could not already tell. When I was 4 years old, I was molested by a babysitter, I do not remember what she did to me, but I remember feeling so dirty and I remember her telling me "that no one would ever love me". She was right. No one ever will.

Just sent you an email, please check it and shoot me a note after you do.

 

[Tony2046]

Broke down crying when throwing away her Christmas decorations. I was thinking what was so wrong with our life that she had to throw us away. We had a good life. I poured love into her and asked for very little in return. But, that was not enough for her.

I feel so worthless. I loved her with my full devotion and she just threw me away.. Just another failure in a whole lifetime of failures.

Not doing too well tonight as if you could not already tell. When I was 4 years old, I was molested by a babysitter, I do not remember what she did to me, but I remember feeling so dirty and I remember her telling me "that no one would ever love me". She was right. No one ever will.

Not true Kenneth and I think your missing something and I think you know that this is the depression talking. Lets get back to you. Let's talk about how you add value to this forum and more importantly to this world. Lets talk about things you like to do and places you would like to see.

Depression likes to make you feel worthless. It likes to make you think "no one would ever love you". But once you beat this thing it can never make you feel like this again. It's like a virus and once you've built up the immune system to defeat it, it cannot bring you down this far again. Sure you will have some sad days but not like this.

So make up some lists:

Make a list of the things you like or think other people like about you.

I start one for you:

1. Pats fan. (Obvious right?) This is not a joke btw. It's a connection point with a lot of people. It can be a basis for friendship. So it is absolutely a positive point. I could have written football fan but you get the point.
2. Compassionate - A women with children spoke with you about what had happened to her husband. You understood her situation and felt bad for her. You have a heart. You wanted to help her. Good stuff.
3. Courage - Speaking out on a football thread about what you have been experiencing took serious courage. I truly wished I had reached out years ago. I'm not saying that to make you feel better. That same courage will come handy in other aspects in your life. Such as standing up for what's right, defending someone when they can't etc...

4. (Your turn) Please.


Not to get too personal but do you chat with your doctor on a regular basis? If not doing so especially during these initial stages might be beneficial.