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This is satirical and fictional, and not a real article, so please don't delete mods. Unless people think it sucks.
Kurt Warner Believes Manipulation Of The Force Behind Patriots Success
by Albert Breer / NFLN
Tom Brady famously led The New England Patriots to a 20-17 victory over the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, the first of his three Superbowl victories but losing St. Louis quarterback, Kurt Warner has cast aspersions on the validity of that result.
Following Deflategate, the latest cheating scandal to embroil the Patriots franchise, Warner believes questions need to be answered. Speaking at Super Bowl XLIX Media Day on Tuesday, Warner believes New England have been taking advantage of the NFL's ambiguous rules regarding usage of The Force throughout Bill Belichicks reign.
“I don’t want to believe that there was anything outside of his team beat our team,” Warner said. “That’s what I want to believe. Yeah, there’s a sliver of a doubt because I think, as a human, you can’t help it. Since we've lost I've asked the same question in my mind over and over again. How come we didn't win? And the answer is always the same, because we lost. That opens a whole can of worms that nobody has really wanted to tackle as yet"
“It’s not because I’m bitter. And, although they blatantly cheated, I'm not saying they cheated. I mean I have no idea if they cheated. But is it possible that they cheated? Of course. Is it probable? I'm not going to say yes but yeah, it's more than likely. I don't want to tarnish their legacy by making ridiculous unsubstantiated claims, it's not fair to them or us. But they definitely cheated and I hate them. We should have won, but I'm not bitter. It's just a shame we didn't win."
When pressed on how he believes the cheating occurred Warner was reluctant to go into too much detail. "Look, how they did it isn't really important but I have done a lot of research on the interwebs and it threw up some shocking results. It was my colleague and ex teammate, Marshall Faulk who first brought it to my attention. Look online, see how many pictures exist of Coach Belichick as a Sith Lord? Now obviously those photos are all photoshopped. But has Bill ever come out and denied it? I don't believe so. We all saw how quickly he came out to defend himself and his team against Deflategate, although I still don't believe him, so why hasn't he denied being a Sith yet? Now the second thing is a Sith always has an apprentice. You think Brady has been such a spectacular QB without some sort of Force manipulation? I don't want to say they're Sith, that's not fair on them. They might be Dark Jedi or something, I don't know. But there was Force manipulation going on that night, Marshall insists he felt a great disturbance when I got sacked by Vrabel and Seymour. I don’t know how much The Force helped them. I don’t know if it gave them an advantage or it gave them no advantage. I don’t know. All I know is they wouldn't have won without using The Force. And doesn't Vrabel sound kinda like a Sithy name? Darth Vrabel? I don't know man, it's just a bit shady and leaves a sour taste in my mouth."
"At the end of the day the NFL hasn't really addressed this issue, because once you start cracking down on Force usage, you have to go after all other kinds of supernatural powers in the NFL and that's going to upset a lot of people. Warlocks, wizards, Aes Sedai. It's a deep rabbit hole, but it's something that needs to be tightened up."
Kurt Warner Believes Manipulation Of The Force Behind Patriots Success
by Albert Breer / NFLN
Tom Brady famously led The New England Patriots to a 20-17 victory over the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, the first of his three Superbowl victories but losing St. Louis quarterback, Kurt Warner has cast aspersions on the validity of that result.
Following Deflategate, the latest cheating scandal to embroil the Patriots franchise, Warner believes questions need to be answered. Speaking at Super Bowl XLIX Media Day on Tuesday, Warner believes New England have been taking advantage of the NFL's ambiguous rules regarding usage of The Force throughout Bill Belichicks reign.
“I don’t want to believe that there was anything outside of his team beat our team,” Warner said. “That’s what I want to believe. Yeah, there’s a sliver of a doubt because I think, as a human, you can’t help it. Since we've lost I've asked the same question in my mind over and over again. How come we didn't win? And the answer is always the same, because we lost. That opens a whole can of worms that nobody has really wanted to tackle as yet"
“It’s not because I’m bitter. And, although they blatantly cheated, I'm not saying they cheated. I mean I have no idea if they cheated. But is it possible that they cheated? Of course. Is it probable? I'm not going to say yes but yeah, it's more than likely. I don't want to tarnish their legacy by making ridiculous unsubstantiated claims, it's not fair to them or us. But they definitely cheated and I hate them. We should have won, but I'm not bitter. It's just a shame we didn't win."
When pressed on how he believes the cheating occurred Warner was reluctant to go into too much detail. "Look, how they did it isn't really important but I have done a lot of research on the interwebs and it threw up some shocking results. It was my colleague and ex teammate, Marshall Faulk who first brought it to my attention. Look online, see how many pictures exist of Coach Belichick as a Sith Lord? Now obviously those photos are all photoshopped. But has Bill ever come out and denied it? I don't believe so. We all saw how quickly he came out to defend himself and his team against Deflategate, although I still don't believe him, so why hasn't he denied being a Sith yet? Now the second thing is a Sith always has an apprentice. You think Brady has been such a spectacular QB without some sort of Force manipulation? I don't want to say they're Sith, that's not fair on them. They might be Dark Jedi or something, I don't know. But there was Force manipulation going on that night, Marshall insists he felt a great disturbance when I got sacked by Vrabel and Seymour. I don’t know how much The Force helped them. I don’t know if it gave them an advantage or it gave them no advantage. I don’t know. All I know is they wouldn't have won without using The Force. And doesn't Vrabel sound kinda like a Sithy name? Darth Vrabel? I don't know man, it's just a bit shady and leaves a sour taste in my mouth."
"At the end of the day the NFL hasn't really addressed this issue, because once you start cracking down on Force usage, you have to go after all other kinds of supernatural powers in the NFL and that's going to upset a lot of people. Warlocks, wizards, Aes Sedai. It's a deep rabbit hole, but it's something that needs to be tightened up."
