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Welcome, Pats fans and draft fans, to PatsFanInVa’s annual rolling draftnik recap. By now, you know the drill, but let me spell it out for the teeming dozens who are enjoying their first RDR: It’s satire. I think that’s why it regularly gets moved by a mod to some kind of message board Cyberia, but follow the little arrow thing and check back regularly.
So what’s the annoying concept? I am a Pats Draftnik. I’ll have none of this “In Bill We Trust” nonsense, and for good reason. Don’t give me that rubbish about winning more than a quarter of the super bowls this century – what has Bill done for us lately? In the last five years, his Pats teams have only gone to it twice and only won once – so what if it happened to be last year? Hell, one year out of the last 5, the Pats weren’t even in the AFC championship game. Clearly, Bill needs my help.
See? Satire! So set aside your roid rage -- and I do mean hemorrhoids -- your Red Bull-Shlitz, and any other source of frothing addle-pated discontent… and enjoy your 2015 rolling draftnik recap!
Round 1, pick 32: Malcom Brown, DT, Texas. 6’2”, 319. I saw a great comment saying we sent an old DT to the Texans, and got a new DT from Texas. Reduce, re-use, recycle. Emphasis on reduce. Vince came out at a lean and mean (sic) 344 pounds from Miami. Whatever the program said, Vince’s true playing weight could not be printed economically without the use of exponents. He was so massive he had smaller defensive linemen orbiting him; he didn’t so much stuff the run, as runners fell into his gravity well. Don’t tell me Malcom Brown’s a young Vince. For one thing it sounds too much like Vince Young, and look how that turned out.
Upside: He fills a need at the Malco(l)m position, which was only one deep last year – though as it turns out, he was a pretty good one. Our depth at the Malco(l)m position might not rival our historical wealth of Brandon talent, but it’s nothing to sneeze at.
In college, did everything, because it was college. Stuffed the run. Rushed the passer. Pushed the pocket. When he felt like it, anyway. Downside: I haven’t seen a motor cut out like his since I bought into the Yugo craze in 1986. If you’re looking for consistency, look no further, because picking Malcom Brown means you’re legally blind in that department.
There’s a reason 31 other teams passed on him. Still, a little work in the weight room, a few slabs of ribs, a subcortical implant, a bundle of fiber optics, some actuators, and a joystick might make a Wilfork replacement out of him yet. Pats draftnik grade: C.
Round 2, pick 64: Jordan Richards, DB, Stanford. 5’11”, 221. Malcom Brown was suspect because he fell to us in the first. Jordan Richards is a reach because we picked him before anybody else. What else is new? Same old Belichick draft logic. If he’s not picking a guy too early because he shouldn’t have picked him at all, because everybody else knew something he didn’t, he’s picking a guy too early because nobody expected him to be picked that high, because everybody else knew something he didn’t.
Yay, another box safety who’s a liability in coverage. Has instincts that Darwin couldn’t explain, and not in a good way. Another few generations and this guy’s niche would be filled by a 200-pount flightless bird. If by chance he happens to be near the ball, he tends to grab it rather than knock it down, which I suppose can be nice at times, but when was the last time that won anybody anything?
Upside: Stanford pedigree means he actually had to study and was expected to have half a brain, or acquire it by osmosis. Drove 12 extra miles daily to avoid a $5 bridge toll. Sounds like he’ll understand the Pats’ compensation structure, and will be able to digest the playbook. Stanford coach says that Richards plays bigger the bigger the game is. Since we’re likely to be in some big games despite Belichick’s middling draft skills at least until the dawn of the Garoppolo (or whoever) era, I guess that “plays bigger” thing is good.
Old coach also says he’s never seen a tougher competitor, but who’s he measuring by? Zach Ertz? On the plus side, there seems to be some confusion about who the Stanford coach was. Ertz says Richards’ nickname was “Coach Richards,” for his understanding of the playbook and the program. Now if Richards just understood where he should be on the field, we might really have something. Pats draftnik grade: D-.
Round 3, pick 96: 111, 147, and something else from Cleveland. Edit: Seems like we got 101 from Tampa here? Or did we already have that? And we traded away a sixth or something, I dunno. Eisen got sort of hard to understand and it's all so confusing. Pats draftnik grade: B-, A if we got pick 101 in this deal too. I think.
Round 3, pick 97: Geneo Grissom, DE/LB, Oklahoma. 6’3”, 262. Quoth NFLN:“He’s an athlete, he’s versatile, and he’s smart. That fits New England.”
He’s also stiffer than John Holmes in his prime. Come on now Bill. Just because the guy can rush the passer and drop back in coverage and play tight end in a pinch doesn’t make him a good pick. Yes, he’s got muscles in places you and I don’t have places. Yes, he can set the edge. Yes, he’ll get to the quarterback if nobody gets in the way that he can’t bench-press. Yes, he’s a classic Patriots tweener, a DE in 4-3 and an OLB in the 3-4.
But he can be trapped by anybody with a game film to go by. Give him a yard and he’ll take it, whatever you’re leading him into. On the other hand, had a recently sprained MCL to sweeten the deal.
Geneo’s a project. Give a man a fish - say, Tannehill - and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats quarterbacks for breakfast on a weekly basis. Unless you decide to do something else with him… or he just can’t be taught.
Right now he’s at the “Geneo Smash!” level of football intelligence. Huh. Where have I heard that before…
Pats draftnik grade: Incomplete.
Round 4, pick 101: Trey Flowers, DE, Arkansas, 6’2”, 266. Awww, Bill brought us Flowers!
Okay I have to say, speaking as a Pats draftnik, I love this pick. NFL.com says he’s a combine top performer in the vertical jump, broad jump, and 60 yard shuttle, which will be important the next time we’re playing against the Sliding Jenga Pieces, the Elongated Pit, and the Cones. Wait, those aren’t NFL teams? Well then. Let’s think about how his skills translate to the NFL.
First, he’s got the motor that Malcom in the Middle lacks. Now you might want that motor in a Mack truck, but if you get it in a Maserati or a Ferrari, you take it with a big smile, right? Unfortunately that ain’t what we’re talking about. This guy is a floor model Mustang with about five grand worth of extra after-market sheet-metal to make it look like a Shelby Cobra.
He’s aggressive and hard-working, loves to hit, and seems hell-bent on doing the hard work to max out his capabilities. He’ll do anything you ask of him except get around the corner, which is unfortunately a key skill for a defensive end. Seriously. Unless he’s up against a tackle under his 36.5” vertical leap, I don’t see him getting into too many opposing backfields. Maybe they’re planning to make some frankensteinian D-lineman out of Brown’s size, Flowers’ work ethic/leaping abilities, and Grissom’s pure muscle. Or maybe they’re gene-splicing for the 2035 team. Anyhoo I see a trend developing.
Upside: People who know even less than Belichick projected him to go in the 2nd or 3rd round, so not bad to pick him up as one fragment of what we got for the last pick in the 3rd, right? Screw covering the receivers… die QB die! If Brown doesn’t crush your pocket and Grissom can’t figure out where people direct him, by God, Flowers will… I don’t know… JUMP IN THE AIR AT YOU! Pats draftnik grade: B+
Round 4, Pick 104 (From NY Jets, tampering penalty): Oh. Right. N/m.
Round 4, pick 111: Tre’ Jackson, G, Florida State, 6’4”, 330. I’m thinking this is a Pats draft where you have to read between the lines. Fortunately this Tre’ played both in high school, which will come in handy if we play a rival of the Wayne County Yellow Jackets this year. Further shores up the Tre(y) position, to go with our deep bench of Brandons and Malco(l)ms.
Classic fat-ass big ugly guard. What else can I say. Oh I can say a lot, mainly plagiarized, which if you haven’t figured out my M.O., is basically what I do here. I’m like the pony-tail guy in Goodwill Hunting only about draft picks. Okay enough with the peek behind the curtain.
So here’s some mildly modified plagiarism – can punch like Mayweather at the point of attack, but unfortunately, not like Mayweather punches guys like Pacquiao, more like he punches at home. Has already had his first ACL tear, so that’s out of the way. Could be the new “Fraud Monitoring” or whatever in this year’s edition of the O-line, once he realizes that being 330 pounds is much more impressive if it’s 330 pounds you can move intentionally.
Good at being in the way, but don’t sell that short for a guard. Unfortunately has the footwork of a bulked up Stephen Hawking. Pats draftnik grade: B
Continued below. Damn you, 10,000-character limit.
So what’s the annoying concept? I am a Pats Draftnik. I’ll have none of this “In Bill We Trust” nonsense, and for good reason. Don’t give me that rubbish about winning more than a quarter of the super bowls this century – what has Bill done for us lately? In the last five years, his Pats teams have only gone to it twice and only won once – so what if it happened to be last year? Hell, one year out of the last 5, the Pats weren’t even in the AFC championship game. Clearly, Bill needs my help.
See? Satire! So set aside your roid rage -- and I do mean hemorrhoids -- your Red Bull-Shlitz, and any other source of frothing addle-pated discontent… and enjoy your 2015 rolling draftnik recap!
Round 1, pick 32: Malcom Brown, DT, Texas. 6’2”, 319. I saw a great comment saying we sent an old DT to the Texans, and got a new DT from Texas. Reduce, re-use, recycle. Emphasis on reduce. Vince came out at a lean and mean (sic) 344 pounds from Miami. Whatever the program said, Vince’s true playing weight could not be printed economically without the use of exponents. He was so massive he had smaller defensive linemen orbiting him; he didn’t so much stuff the run, as runners fell into his gravity well. Don’t tell me Malcom Brown’s a young Vince. For one thing it sounds too much like Vince Young, and look how that turned out.
Upside: He fills a need at the Malco(l)m position, which was only one deep last year – though as it turns out, he was a pretty good one. Our depth at the Malco(l)m position might not rival our historical wealth of Brandon talent, but it’s nothing to sneeze at.
In college, did everything, because it was college. Stuffed the run. Rushed the passer. Pushed the pocket. When he felt like it, anyway. Downside: I haven’t seen a motor cut out like his since I bought into the Yugo craze in 1986. If you’re looking for consistency, look no further, because picking Malcom Brown means you’re legally blind in that department.
There’s a reason 31 other teams passed on him. Still, a little work in the weight room, a few slabs of ribs, a subcortical implant, a bundle of fiber optics, some actuators, and a joystick might make a Wilfork replacement out of him yet. Pats draftnik grade: C.
Round 2, pick 64: Jordan Richards, DB, Stanford. 5’11”, 221. Malcom Brown was suspect because he fell to us in the first. Jordan Richards is a reach because we picked him before anybody else. What else is new? Same old Belichick draft logic. If he’s not picking a guy too early because he shouldn’t have picked him at all, because everybody else knew something he didn’t, he’s picking a guy too early because nobody expected him to be picked that high, because everybody else knew something he didn’t.
Yay, another box safety who’s a liability in coverage. Has instincts that Darwin couldn’t explain, and not in a good way. Another few generations and this guy’s niche would be filled by a 200-pount flightless bird. If by chance he happens to be near the ball, he tends to grab it rather than knock it down, which I suppose can be nice at times, but when was the last time that won anybody anything?
Upside: Stanford pedigree means he actually had to study and was expected to have half a brain, or acquire it by osmosis. Drove 12 extra miles daily to avoid a $5 bridge toll. Sounds like he’ll understand the Pats’ compensation structure, and will be able to digest the playbook. Stanford coach says that Richards plays bigger the bigger the game is. Since we’re likely to be in some big games despite Belichick’s middling draft skills at least until the dawn of the Garoppolo (or whoever) era, I guess that “plays bigger” thing is good.
Old coach also says he’s never seen a tougher competitor, but who’s he measuring by? Zach Ertz? On the plus side, there seems to be some confusion about who the Stanford coach was. Ertz says Richards’ nickname was “Coach Richards,” for his understanding of the playbook and the program. Now if Richards just understood where he should be on the field, we might really have something. Pats draftnik grade: D-.
Round 3, pick 96: 111, 147, and something else from Cleveland. Edit: Seems like we got 101 from Tampa here? Or did we already have that? And we traded away a sixth or something, I dunno. Eisen got sort of hard to understand and it's all so confusing. Pats draftnik grade: B-, A if we got pick 101 in this deal too. I think.
Round 3, pick 97: Geneo Grissom, DE/LB, Oklahoma. 6’3”, 262. Quoth NFLN:“He’s an athlete, he’s versatile, and he’s smart. That fits New England.”
He’s also stiffer than John Holmes in his prime. Come on now Bill. Just because the guy can rush the passer and drop back in coverage and play tight end in a pinch doesn’t make him a good pick. Yes, he’s got muscles in places you and I don’t have places. Yes, he can set the edge. Yes, he’ll get to the quarterback if nobody gets in the way that he can’t bench-press. Yes, he’s a classic Patriots tweener, a DE in 4-3 and an OLB in the 3-4.
But he can be trapped by anybody with a game film to go by. Give him a yard and he’ll take it, whatever you’re leading him into. On the other hand, had a recently sprained MCL to sweeten the deal.
Geneo’s a project. Give a man a fish - say, Tannehill - and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he eats quarterbacks for breakfast on a weekly basis. Unless you decide to do something else with him… or he just can’t be taught.
Right now he’s at the “Geneo Smash!” level of football intelligence. Huh. Where have I heard that before…
Pats draftnik grade: Incomplete.
Round 4, pick 101: Trey Flowers, DE, Arkansas, 6’2”, 266. Awww, Bill brought us Flowers!
Okay I have to say, speaking as a Pats draftnik, I love this pick. NFL.com says he’s a combine top performer in the vertical jump, broad jump, and 60 yard shuttle, which will be important the next time we’re playing against the Sliding Jenga Pieces, the Elongated Pit, and the Cones. Wait, those aren’t NFL teams? Well then. Let’s think about how his skills translate to the NFL.
First, he’s got the motor that Malcom in the Middle lacks. Now you might want that motor in a Mack truck, but if you get it in a Maserati or a Ferrari, you take it with a big smile, right? Unfortunately that ain’t what we’re talking about. This guy is a floor model Mustang with about five grand worth of extra after-market sheet-metal to make it look like a Shelby Cobra.
He’s aggressive and hard-working, loves to hit, and seems hell-bent on doing the hard work to max out his capabilities. He’ll do anything you ask of him except get around the corner, which is unfortunately a key skill for a defensive end. Seriously. Unless he’s up against a tackle under his 36.5” vertical leap, I don’t see him getting into too many opposing backfields. Maybe they’re planning to make some frankensteinian D-lineman out of Brown’s size, Flowers’ work ethic/leaping abilities, and Grissom’s pure muscle. Or maybe they’re gene-splicing for the 2035 team. Anyhoo I see a trend developing.
Upside: People who know even less than Belichick projected him to go in the 2nd or 3rd round, so not bad to pick him up as one fragment of what we got for the last pick in the 3rd, right? Screw covering the receivers… die QB die! If Brown doesn’t crush your pocket and Grissom can’t figure out where people direct him, by God, Flowers will… I don’t know… JUMP IN THE AIR AT YOU! Pats draftnik grade: B+
Round 4, Pick 104 (From NY Jets, tampering penalty): Oh. Right. N/m.
Round 4, pick 111: Tre’ Jackson, G, Florida State, 6’4”, 330. I’m thinking this is a Pats draft where you have to read between the lines. Fortunately this Tre’ played both in high school, which will come in handy if we play a rival of the Wayne County Yellow Jackets this year. Further shores up the Tre(y) position, to go with our deep bench of Brandons and Malco(l)ms.
Classic fat-ass big ugly guard. What else can I say. Oh I can say a lot, mainly plagiarized, which if you haven’t figured out my M.O., is basically what I do here. I’m like the pony-tail guy in Goodwill Hunting only about draft picks. Okay enough with the peek behind the curtain.
So here’s some mildly modified plagiarism – can punch like Mayweather at the point of attack, but unfortunately, not like Mayweather punches guys like Pacquiao, more like he punches at home. Has already had his first ACL tear, so that’s out of the way. Could be the new “Fraud Monitoring” or whatever in this year’s edition of the O-line, once he realizes that being 330 pounds is much more impressive if it’s 330 pounds you can move intentionally.
Good at being in the way, but don’t sell that short for a guard. Unfortunately has the footwork of a bulked up Stephen Hawking. Pats draftnik grade: B
Continued below. Damn you, 10,000-character limit.
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