Pats Draftnik Rolling Recap, 2013
Pats Draftnik Rolling Recap, 2013
Rd 1, pick 29 : Minnesota’s future. Sounds ominous, actually, but everything about Minnesota sounds ominous – the weather, the proximity to Canada, the fact that they went Mondale in 1984, hell, even their most famous pop star changed his name to an ampersand or some crap, probably hoping he wouldn’t be traced back to Minnesota. Now they’ve decided they need three picks in the first round of a draft with a big honking vacuum in first-round talent, and Bill Belichick and company are among the beneficiaries. Still, being a Pats draftnik, I have to pan this pick. After all, we could have used Cindarella Patterson or whatever the hell her name is. Instead all we get is a 2, a 3, a 4, and a 7. I don’t care if we won the trade value chart math, and I don’t care that talent at the top of this draft is bleaker than January in Minneapolis, and I don’t care who the Pats war room wanted, I was watching on my TV and I deserved entertainment. Plus, Geno Smith was still on the board, not to mention that Manatee guy with the imaginary girlfriend. Not only that, but why couldn’t we convince Seattle to trade us Percy Harvin for this pick after they got Harvin for their 24? After all they did want back into the first – and what could Harvin like so much that’s easy to get in Seattle? Right. Coffee. I’m going with coffee. Pats Draftnik Grade: D
Rd 2, pick 52, Jamie Collins, OLB, Southern Miss; 6’3”, 250 lbs. The draft magazine I bought two weeks ago rates him as the 14th best linebacker in this draft, and for his write-up, misprinted the write-up of someone named Wright. Mayock likes him, which makes me happy, because I think Mayock and Kiper are smarter than anyone in Foxborough, but on the downside, look at all the guys he isn’t, starting with Berkevious Mingo: This is Vernon Gholston all over again. Actually I just liked typing Berkevious Mingo. Berkevious Mingo. Berkevious Mingo. Granted, nobody else wanted Mingo either, but if you’re going to reach, this was the guy to reach for. Trust me, I’m a draftnik. But seriously – long and lanky as Collins may be, he’s not the only one with a reach, if you know what I’m saying. Belichick’s got the wingspan of a pterodactyl and he’s just as behind the times. So what do we have? A high school quarterback turned safety turned edge rusher with a high center of gravity and the motor of a used Prius, who gets pushed around like the peas on a real linebacker’s plate once all the meat’s gone and has all the pursuit instincts of a tanqed herd animal. Bill, Bill, Bill. Sometimes you just need a guy to do one thing, in this case, rush the quarterback. Not be the quarterback, not cover the quarterback, if the quarterback in question is Edelman and he’s actually playing wide receiver. Just rush the quarterback. We haven’t won a Super Bowl since 2004, and this constant versatility thing doesn’t help. Pats Draftnik Grade: F
Rd. 2, pick 59, Please Be Randy Moss, Please be Randy Moss, WR, Marshall; 6’3”, 205 lbs. At least the boys at 1 Patriot Place heeded my letter about receivers from Florida, so kudos for that. But seriously, how bad do they want “Good Randy” back? Bad enough to draft a clone from the Axlotl tanks of Tleilaxu, right down to the college he went to. Of course, I’m talking about Aaron Dobson, not that I’ve ever talked about him before. I talked about Cindarella Patterson, and Tavon Austin, and Keenan Allen, and Justin Hunter, just not Aaron Dobson – so I have no idea why Bill and company were talking about him, or worse yet, drafting him. Can catch the ball in traffic, but can’t merge onto the freeway once he takes an NFL-style bump at the line. Makes one-handed circus catches playing against guys who will be selling used cars in a year, not so much against pro defensive backs. I give him one good game before Bill gets the Gator he’s coveted in the past… at least, his arms. Pats Draftnik Grade: D – and only because we’re taking into account the Pats’ record drafting wideouts.
Rd. 3, Pick 83, Logan Ryan, CB, Rutgers; 5’11”, 191. Yay, another short slow cornerback! Just what the doctor ordered, assuming we mean Dr. Kevorkian, and the patient in question is the Patriots (AKA Rutgers) secondary. What are you on the Rutgers board of trustees, Bill? The Pats brain trust has to be shattered that they had to sacrifice a shot at a safety from Fresno State to make the pick, but given that those are the two schools to pick from, something had to give. I’ve emailed you, I’ve called you, I’ve defied the restraining order and ambushed you from the bushes outside your home, Bill, and still you ignore what I long ago decided: We must have corners 6’ or taller. So what’s the draftnik book on this latest hefty bag of fail? Opens his hips faster than a drunk prom date and ranks about the same in the technique department, has sound tackling skills. Okay, Pats draft staff, listen up: If your cornerback is really good at tackling, that might be a bad sign. Upside: He can play pitch and catch on the sidelines with our new outside linebacker and Edelman – assuming he even sees the sidelines. Pats Draftnik Grade: D-
Rd. 4, Pick 102, Josh Boyce, WR, TCU; 5’11”, 206 lbs. Bill Belichick, you wily dog, you wanted a more durable, cheaper Wes Welker, and you got him. Except for the foot injury. And the fact that he lacks suddenness and will get blasted off his routes by anybody who’s used so much as a shake-weight for any length of time. And the fact that he’ll never have outside speed or moves and has all the upside of a Mini Cooper. This guy is not worth pick 102. I have all the receivers ranked on my draftnik board from every school, and based hours of research involving an excel spreadsheet, a bunch of draft websites, a “draft in your sleep” tape I’ve played every night since January, and random gossip, Boyce is not the answer. Hell, the fact that someone in PatsLand thought he was the answer makes me wonder what the question even was. I’ve seen a better slot on a hooker in Thailand, and that was surgically created. Let’s review: Since we drafted Deion Branch and David Givens, we’ve had a bunch of special teamers with “WR” after their names, then guys we tried to actually play at WR ranging from Edelman to Chad Jackson. Meanwhile the other 31 teams in the NFL have drafted Larry Fitzgerald, Calvin Johnson, and A.J. Green, to name just a few – just like the other 31 teams in the NFL have won three quarters of the super bowls since 2001. Pats Draftnik Grade: F
Rd. 4, Pick 126. Nobody – and we whiff on another Gholston. Jesus, Bill, ever hear of bloodlines? Didn’t you know when you got AquaTaliban or whatever the hell his name was that you may end up whiffing on another Gholston – and this one an edge rusher? Time-lapse failtography. Pats Draftnik Grade: D
That’s it from the Draftnik for now, Pats draft fans. But tune in sometime soon for all the insight and analysis on the late picks. We got three 7s!