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With the return of the New England Patriots to the Super Bowl for the 3rd consecutive year and 9th time in 18 seasons, the condition termed Patriots Envy Syndrome (PES) has reached crisis levels in many US cities. If you are affected, you are not alone! Help is available!
Since treatment centers were first established in Buffalo, much headway has been made in the fight against PES. Clinics are now open in New York City, Miami, and Indianapolis, and are coming soon to Los Angeles. PES research has shown that a holistic approach, considering the total well-being of the PES sufferer, is in order.
First, the patient must recognize that feelings of football inadequacy are quite normal when such a prolonged dynasty endures. If your son or daughter is now a senior in high school and was encouraged to support your local team, that much-beloved team has been the football b!tch of the Patriots for your child’s entire life! That is not a easy burden to bear, whether your team is one of the Patriots’ main b!tches (Buffalo, New York, Miami) or merely a side b!tch (Indianapolis or Pittsburgh, as examples).
Secondly, endlessly and prematurely proclaiming that “the end had now arrived!” is not helpful. This approach, termed the Max Kellerman method, only deepens the angst as the dynasty seems to roll on unabated.
Thirdly, silly excuse-making is also not recommended, such are calling it an 18 year run of luck, or ignoring the statistics and arguing incessantly that this dynastic run has only arisen and been maintained due to weak division competition.
Our data suggests that one fruitful approach to combating PES is the willing assimilation of your football fandom with the greatness that is the New England Patriots. After all, they are smarter than your team, better prepared than your team, work harder than your team, and basically are simply any fan’s dream to support. Duck boat parades are really cool, also. But PLEASE mark yourself with a pink hat, so long-time fans know you are a newbie. If you want to fit in, be prepared to discuss John Hannah, Steve Grogan, Sam Cunningham, and the heat-draining properties of cold metal bleachers.
If assimilation is not for you, other coping mechanisms are available. One alternative approach is the hanging of meaningless participation trophy banners to elevate self esteem, a method pioneered by the Indianapolis Colts. If you are not that much of a wuss, we recommend focusing on the NFL draft and your team’s long-term strategy to gain ground, once Tom Brady turns 45, or until the collective bargaining agreement is amended to officially prohibit The GOAT from playing.
Whatever your approach, please remember that help is available. We can talk you through this. Please stop by one of our local offices to discuss your treatment options.
PES Clinics of America
A division of the Kraft Group Inc. and TB12 Enterprises.
Since treatment centers were first established in Buffalo, much headway has been made in the fight against PES. Clinics are now open in New York City, Miami, and Indianapolis, and are coming soon to Los Angeles. PES research has shown that a holistic approach, considering the total well-being of the PES sufferer, is in order.
First, the patient must recognize that feelings of football inadequacy are quite normal when such a prolonged dynasty endures. If your son or daughter is now a senior in high school and was encouraged to support your local team, that much-beloved team has been the football b!tch of the Patriots for your child’s entire life! That is not a easy burden to bear, whether your team is one of the Patriots’ main b!tches (Buffalo, New York, Miami) or merely a side b!tch (Indianapolis or Pittsburgh, as examples).
Secondly, endlessly and prematurely proclaiming that “the end had now arrived!” is not helpful. This approach, termed the Max Kellerman method, only deepens the angst as the dynasty seems to roll on unabated.
Thirdly, silly excuse-making is also not recommended, such are calling it an 18 year run of luck, or ignoring the statistics and arguing incessantly that this dynastic run has only arisen and been maintained due to weak division competition.
Our data suggests that one fruitful approach to combating PES is the willing assimilation of your football fandom with the greatness that is the New England Patriots. After all, they are smarter than your team, better prepared than your team, work harder than your team, and basically are simply any fan’s dream to support. Duck boat parades are really cool, also. But PLEASE mark yourself with a pink hat, so long-time fans know you are a newbie. If you want to fit in, be prepared to discuss John Hannah, Steve Grogan, Sam Cunningham, and the heat-draining properties of cold metal bleachers.
If assimilation is not for you, other coping mechanisms are available. One alternative approach is the hanging of meaningless participation trophy banners to elevate self esteem, a method pioneered by the Indianapolis Colts. If you are not that much of a wuss, we recommend focusing on the NFL draft and your team’s long-term strategy to gain ground, once Tom Brady turns 45, or until the collective bargaining agreement is amended to officially prohibit The GOAT from playing.
Whatever your approach, please remember that help is available. We can talk you through this. Please stop by one of our local offices to discuss your treatment options.
PES Clinics of America
A division of the Kraft Group Inc. and TB12 Enterprises.
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