2019 Weekly Picks Winner
The clock is ticking inexorably toward a landmark moment in the annals of football futility. In under two years, the New Jersey Green Beans will mark 50 years without a championship. That is, if you are willing to consider Super Bowl III a bona fide championship game and not simply a post-season exhibition tilt between teams from the now long-defunct American Football League and National Football League. Suffice to say that the Green Beans never have won an NFL title and perhaps never will.
Why is this? Many reasons, including clueless ownership, incompetent front-office management, poor coaching and inferior players. But perhaps the biggest reason of all is BAD KARMA. The Green Beans and their fan base occupy a black hole of negativity that even the brightest minds of science, industry and theology have been unable to quantify. While no one knows the root cause or the cure, we certainly can identify its endless manifestations, a few of which are itemized below.
Death. Taxes. Another year of Jets suckage. Like the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, some things never change. The hallowed tradition of this thread might be seen by many as mere diversion, an ephemeral source of transitory amusement. Yet, the veterans here realize its role as a vital public service -- informing and enlightening those otherwise oblivious to that morbid franchise's scurrilous, soulless transgressions against the Patriots, mankind at large, and all that is true and good. Our pledge is to keep the beacon of righteousness forever trained laser-like on East Rutherford's green slimy scourge. More than 2,100 posts in last year's thread evince the importance of this.
We MUST remain vigilant, as the New Jersey Green Beans continue their scheming ways and underhanded shenanigans perpetrated by unprincipled owner/certified greedy dope Woody Johnson, who now oversees the continuing trainwreck of his franchise from the chair of U.S. ambassador to Britain. (It is unknown at this early stage how much the U.K. presence of Goofy Woody has harmed NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's overseas expansion plans.)
For the uninitiated, here is a partial historical recap of the Green Beans’ violations and gaffes, in no particular order:
* Jets tamper with Pats coach Bill Parcells during Patriots Super Bowl run.
* Jets sign Pats running back Curtis Martin to bogus "poison pill" contract.
* Jets coach Herm Edwards sets NFL record for game clock mismanagement.
* Jets fans assault women in multiple “Gate 4” incidents.
* Pats assistant Eric Mangini steals Bill Belichick's laptop computer upon hiring as Jets coach.
* Jets coach Eric Mangini tampers with Patriots WR Deion Branch.
* Mangini and Jets front office initiate “Cameragate” against the Patriots.
* Jets coach Rex Ryan fined $50k for flipping off Dolphins fans in public.
* Immaturity and disorganization of team documented on HBO "Hard Knocks" series.
* Reporter Ines Sainz claims she was sexually harassed in Jets locker room.
* Jets players forced to take social awareness classes after Sainz incident.
* Trip-Gate: assistant coach Sal Alosi fined $25k and suspended for season.
* Rex Ryan's foot fetish videos starring wife make mainstream news.
* Ryan farms out his wife to strangers on Internet kink site.
* Ryan embarrasses self weeping publicly; makes horrid cameo in Adam Sandler film.
* Quarterback Mark Sanchez buttfumbles his way to infamy.
* Sanchez dates/beds high school girl; is photographed dancing nude with clothed women.
* Jets mascot Fireman Ed quits citing abuse from fellow fans, refuses team's request to return.
* Accused murderer/male Jets fan sucker punches small blonde female Pats fan in Jersey.
* Quarterback Brett Favre texts genitals photo to fellow Jets employee Jen Sterger.
* Penis selfie photo sexted by quarterback Gee-No! Smith published on multiple web sites.
* Tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. arrested for drug possession, seen masturbating in his car.
* Jets sign convicted felon/dog killer Ron Mexico, a/k/a Michael Vick.
* Jets legend Joe Namath lauds Pats quarterback Tom Brady as the greatest ever.
* A drunken Namath shames the Jets trying to kiss reporter Suzy Kolber on national TV.
* CB Antonio Cromartie requests salary advance to pay child support; can't recall kids' names.
* Owner Woody Johnson openly tampers with ex-Jet/Patriot cornerback Darrelle Revis.
* CB Darrelle Revis returns for huge $$$ after tricking Jets into bidding against themselves.
* Media weasel/Jets hack Manish Mehta calls Patriots "petty" over Revis tampering allegation.
* Jets file bogus tampering claim over Pats owner Bob Kraft's comments regarding Revis.
* Defensive lineman Sheldon Richardson is suspended four games for his marijuana habit.
* Jets fans commission "cheaters" banner flown over Patriots training camp practice.
* Sheldon Richardson strikes again, charged with resisting arrest after traffic violations.
* Jets team officials don't learn about Richardson's latest arrest 'til two weeks later.
* Jets fans loudly boo quarterback Gee-No! Smith during in-stadium training camp practice.
* Teammate punches Gee-No! Smith breaking his jaw, sidelining him for two months.
* Jets guard Oday Aboushi is suspended one game, found with weed during traffic stop.
* Jets rookie quarterback Bryce Petty angers Jets fans by liking Domino's pizza.
* Jets WR Quincy Enunwa is suspended four games for abusing his girlfriend.
* Paranoid Jets have Gillette locker room swept for electronic bugs.
* Paranoid Jets Security Director Robert Mastroddi interrogates Pats sideline personnel.
* Mastroddi's son outed as publicly wishing injury, death to Tom Brady.
* Jets scum troll (jetfan51) starts threads at Patfans.com to spoil new "Star Wars" film.
* Jets organization trolls Pats/Belichick on Twitter for kicking off in overtime game.
* QB Fitzpatrick ruins Jets' 2015 playoff chances with interceptions vs. Bills.
* Cromartie strikes again, fathering 11th and 12th children with woman No. 8.
* Sad-sack GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush chooses Woody Johnson as campaign finance chairman.
* Jets tailgate bus burns up in Connecticut (in late February).
* Jets WR Brandon Marshall appears in court, charged with punching woman at nightclub.
* Cromartie strikes yet again, evicting his own mother from the home he bought her.
* QB Fitzpatrick fleeces desperate Jets for one-year, $12 million contract.
* Marshall and Revis get in limp-wristed training camp slap fight.
* Fitzpatrick throws six interceptions in game vs. Kansas City.
* Dr. Jay P. Granat, a renowned New York psychotherapist who has worked with Olympic athletes, proclaims, "The Jets have been mismanaged since 1969. The fans are down and the players are down. There is a hopelessness to the Jets. The feeling of hopelessness is one of the main things we see with depression.”
* Woody Johnson leaves Jets' "day-to-day operations" to become ambassador to Britain.
* Jets cut star center Nick Mangold in salary dump.
* Jets cut Revis after police charge him with felony assault.
* Leading WR Marshall is cut, promptly signs with cross-town adult organization New York Giants.
* Jets try to woo Pats UFA linebacker Dont'a Hightower with money and stale cupcakes, fail miserably.
* QB Gee-No! Smith also leaves team to sign with adult organization New York Giants.
* Jets players have historic off-season in 2017 commiting various violations and criminal acts:
* WR Robby Anderson is arrested and charged with a felony at Miami music festival.
* WR Jalin Marshall gets four-game suspension for PED violation.
* Tight end Austin Seferian-Jenkins is suspended two games for prior (2016) DUI arrest.
* CB Nick Marshall is released after receiving four-game PED suspension.
* Former Jet Tony Richardson announcing a pick at the NFL draft fumbles the J-E-T-S chant, calling out J-E-T-E. The name Jete sticks.
* Jete fans far and wide hope the team tanks in 2017 to earn a high draft pick in 2018.
* Former Jete player Marvin Washington sues U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions to decriminalize marijuana.
* Broadcaster Craig Carton, an avowed Jete fan, is arrested by the FBI for perpetrating a Ponzi scheme defrauding people of millions.
* Jete WR Robby Anderson is arrested once again on multiple charges, including harm to a public servant/family, reckless driving, eluding police, and resisting arrest.
* Jete linebacker Dylan Donahue is arrested for DWI after causing a crash driving the wrong way in the Lincoln Tunnel.
* Jete acting CEO Christopher Johnson states the team is not mandated to make the playoffs in 2018.
More to come … please chime in with your own border-war lowlights.
Remember, folks: "Jets Suck" is not simply about them sucking on the field of play. That almost is peripheral to the true essence of Green Beans suckage, as bad as they can be between those white lines. They suck first and foremost as an organization devoid of scruples, integrity, honesty, proper hygiene or other remotely redeeming qualities.
Finally, we cannot forget Jets fans. Few words do them justice. We'll sum it up thusly via these two lost souls seen at New Giants Stadium contemplating last season's debacle: Ira Incredulous (left) and Buford Barf.