I Could Use Your Thoughts and Prayers

[BTTA]

PB12 - Sounds like everything is happening for you as it should. Ups and Downs are a sign of progress. The problem with having some Ups is that it can make the Downs harder for a while, just out of contrast. But it sounds like you've got that handled.

 

[BTTA]

I am sure tough moments lie ahead particularly as I face a Nov 3rd court date where I stand before a judge alone to end a marriage I never wanted to end. But. I am going to make it.

Kenneth, for what its worth, when I got divorced I was quite emotional, as well, and even a bit embarrassed in front of the judge. He asked the question he has to ask, something about the marriage being irreconcilable, and I started to give an emotional answer to explain myself. He cut me off, didn't want to hear it, and just moved on. I remember feeling both relieved that it happened so fast, but also upset that it was so mechanical when I was feeling very sentimental and sad.

No idea what your experience will be, but just thought I'd mention this so you can monitor your own expectations and perhaps not be as surprised and thrown by it as I was.

Next up for you, a few months from now when you start to feel whole again: relationship advice from Patsfans members. That will be both dangerous and entertaining! Buckle your seatbelt.

 

[PatsDeb]

I started visiting Patsfans.com in 01 or 02 when it became the home of Miguel's cap pages. Although I have been an erratic poster under a couple of names, Patsfans has been my favorite website ever since - no better place to catch up on the latest of my beloved Patriots.

Last Friday I sat at my desk at work determined in my heart that I was living the last Friday of my life. When, as is my norm, I checked in at mid morning and read the OP of this thread by Patsboy12. It was a Godsend. He had the courage to reach out - did I.

On my lunch hour I composed my original post. It was totally unlike me to do so, but what did I have to lose. What happened next changed my life by saving it.

The outpouring of support, advice and concern by post or PM was amazing. People cared and suddenly I did not feel so lonely in my despair. It was a long weekend and my depression ebbed and flowed but your concern and encouragement continued.

I woke up this morning with her on my mind, and I posted as such along with my concern about being a burden. Andy Johnson and sh messy quickly reminded me that leaving my loved ones to wonder what they could have done to stop it was a greater burden than any other I could make them bear.

Thank you my friends. You have saved my life! This afternoon my insides stopped shaking for the first time in weeks. For the first time since I realized it really was over with my wife, I no longer wanted to be dead.

I am sure tough moments lie ahead particularly as I face a Nov 3rd court date where I stand before a judge alone to end a marriage I never wanted to end. But. I am going to make it. And, when I struggle I have my good friends at Patsfans to help me through it. Thank you my dear friends!

So, instead of being dead by carbon monoxide poisoning as I had planned, I will live another Friday and many many more I hope. Go Pats!!!

Glad you are feeling better but as others have said, please get professional help. Having a counselor to pour out your heart to, or meds to help you through the rough patches can be a godsend. Take some time to heal yourself, and when you are ready, there will be someone else to share things with. If you can, try to remember always you are a good person and if your wife wants to end things, it's her loss, not yours. She is giving up a man who loved her a lot and she'll regret that one day. It sounds dumb to quote Ivana Trump, but she was right, "living well is the best revenge." Put yourself first, squarely in the driver's seat and look forward, not back. It will be tough, but you can do it. You've already started by working up the courage to post here.

 

[PatsDeb]

Sorry, everyone. I am here. I have been a little busy this weekend (thank goodness). I was trying to do things to occupy my mind a bit. I am trying hard to get back on solid footing right now. I did not mean to neglect the thread at all. I just wanted to take a day to myself. To be honest, it's still a bit up and down. More up the past few days than down, but the downs have been a bit tough. I'm working on it. I will post tonight when I get home from work and I will fill you all in on what's been happening.

Still feel supremely thankful and blessed that there are people like you all to give me strength. I still very much need you all to stay in my corner. I'm glad that Kenneth is around and well. We owe it to you all! Please continue to wish me well in the darkness. It has subsided a bit, but it's still there.

Glad you are feeling better PB12. One day at a time my friend, one day at a time is all we can do.

 

[Ring 6]

I started visiting Patsfans.com in 01 or 02 when it became the home of Miguel's cap pages. Although I have been an erratic poster under a couple of names, Patsfans has been my favorite website ever since - no better place to catch up on the latest of my beloved Patriots.

Last Friday I sat at my desk at work determined in my heart that I was living the last Friday of my life. When, as is my norm, I checked in at mid morning and read the OP of this thread by Patsboy12. It was a Godsend. He had the courage to reach out - did I.

On my lunch hour I composed my original post. It was totally unlike me to do so, but what did I have to lose. What happened next changed my life by saving it.

The outpouring of support, advice and concern by post or PM was amazing. People cared and suddenly I did not feel so lonely in my despair. It was a long weekend and my depression ebbed and flowed but your concern and encouragement continued.

I woke up this morning with her on my mind, and I posted as such along with my concern about being a burden. Andy Johnson and sh messy quickly reminded me that leaving my loved ones to wonder what they could have done to stop it was a greater burden than any other I could make them bear.

Thank you my friends. You have saved my life! This afternoon my insides stopped shaking for the first time in weeks. For the first time since I realized it really was over with my wife, I no longer wanted to be dead.

I am sure tough moments lie ahead particularly as I face a Nov 3rd court date where I stand before a judge alone to end a marriage I never wanted to end. But. I am going to make it. And, when I struggle I have my good friends at Patsfans to help me through it. Thank you my dear friends!

So, instead of being dead by carbon monoxide poisoning as I had planned, I will live another Friday and many many more I hope. Go Pats!!!

I am proud of you

 

[ForThoseAboutToRock]

Started my day with an intense longing for my wife and the life and love we shared.. My insides are shaking from sadness.

A previous poster mentioned his struggle with anxiety. I had a bout of it after my stepfather and father died suddenly 5 months apart when I was 21 leaving me with sole care of my mother. I barely could function for a few years. I do not want to be a burden to my family and friends. I would end my life if I thought I was going to be.

Pray and think of me as I start my work week. Hoping work distracts me from my sadness..

Totally agree with the immediate replies to your post. You have a lot to contribute. You're not a burden. The people posting here are benefiting from talking to you. We're focusing our positive vibes to send to you. Those who have been through some dark times are able to look back and say "yes, I went through hell, much better off now" and maybe end up feeling some pride for having overcome.


One day, you and @PatsBoy12 will be able to share your story to someone else who's struggling.

 

[ForThoseAboutToRock]

I just wanted to take a day to myself.

Love it! Keep going for yourself! Keep going for your friends and family and all of your Patsfans fans.

 

[Tony2046]

Acts of kindness are part of the Pay it Forward system. It's a positive investment into our society.

I'm truly grateful that both of you are heading in the right direction.

Someone in your future will need you to be there and understand. That is a guarantee.

As someone has stated it would be good to see you both in the football threads. Talk some trash. Argue some points. We've got a huge Colts game on the horizon. That should be a fun week in the forum.

 

[Tony2046]

I hope this is appropriate but I just spoke to @PatsBoy12 on the phone and the difference from the first time I spoke to him and today is remarkable. Much more positive and looking forward to the annihilation of the Colts. Awesome stuff. Really.

Guys (@PatsBoy12 and @Kenneth Sims )

LETS GOOOO!!!!

 

[PatsBoy12]

Hey fam, I just wanted to say all is well tonight. All is well because of the overwhelming support that I have gotten from you all. Kenneth, take courage. We have the best forum in existence. Man, you all are incredible. Thank you for giving Kenneth and I a new lease on life.

We are in this together and we are all we got. I couldn't have asked for more. I thank you all repeatedly and non-stop from the bottom of my heart. The support has been insane (in a good way). I am well tonight because you all gave me the courage to be. I owe my life in part to Patsfans.com. Ian, Tony, Schmessy, Andy, PatsDeb, Patsjew, Brady to Moss, Kenneth Sims, Reckedtrek, Robweathers, Tunescribe and the list goes on and on. I owe you all so much! I owe you all soooo much! Thank you for sustaining me. Thank you for taking an interest in my life. Thank you all for making me believe in me again. Thank you all for making me see the value in me that I lost sight of a ways back. And know that when I say thank you, I'm also saying thank you for Kenneth.

And to those I didn't name specifically, your due will come. That I promise you. In NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM has your encouragement gone unnoticed or unappreciated. I truly love you all very much because I'm not typing this if not for you all. A thread borne of desperation has started a healing movement. Lean on me and I'll lean on you. We'll hold each other up. We'll motivate each other. We'll teach each other. And we will grow and thrive together. Thank you all for helping me regain my life.

 

[Tony2046]

@Kenneth Sims

Would like to hear from you.

We are about to experience one of the coolest weeks in Patsfans history and would enjoy seeing you and @PatsBoy12 talk some trash about he Colts in the threads. Not some PC trash but some real stuff.

Lets go guys. It's going to be an epic experience.

By the way, the record for most points scored in a game is 72. Is that realistic?? Man I hope so.

I know I may be dreaming but if the Pats score 72 points on the Colts it will be in the records books for a long long time.

Time to get pumped up. First the Cowboys and then the Colts.

Lets Goooooo!!!

 

[dikembe]

MY BROTHER
DIKEMBE IS YOUR FRIEND
IF YOU NEED
SHOOT DIKEMBE A MESSAGE
I WILL DO WHAT I CAN TO HELP YOU
PEACE BE WITH YOU

 

[pherein]

Hey Patsboy I was ALS (advanced life support) for Kittery, Dover, Portsmith, etc. It was exciting, depressing, and in fear all the time. Always had to overcome my emotions to do the job. Once you get on the scene people think your a god or something and look to you to bring their son back, or worse.

Emotion is something we cant see sometimes, or the cause. Sometimes others have to intervene and let us know what we don't see.

As example. We came to a scene on 95, theres a tollbooth before Maine. 4 kids fell asleep and hit the booth at about 70 mph. We couldn't tell who was female or male, they were to messed up. 1 guy flew out of the car from the ripped open top of the car, hit the booth, and was walking around when we got there.

I held him and he talked about his mom and family,what happened, as clear fluid was dripping from his ear. he was going to die any second. Took us 4 hours to get the people out of the front seat, because they had merged with parts of the car in seconds. The cops and fire guys were getting sick on the side.

I didn't think anything of it. I just wanted to save them. Bad day, but its never good when your called.

Later at the ER I was cleaning the ambulance, and started to feel so sick. Like I had a fever.

I was like "damn I got something from their blood", I mean really sick, I knew all the symptoms pointed to me getting infected. Logically I had messed up and got something serious.

I barely got back into the ER and told the nurse. I got something from one of the people we transported, its not good. She saw I was in distress, BP and fever, and knew we were professionals.

The ER Doc was a friend, and they pulled me in stat to do blood work.

I kept getting worse, and didn't know why. I went over all the moves I did to see where I messed up.

Later Doc Kapts came in and sat down.

He said "your blood work is ok, and there are no physical problems with you, but son your stats show you are in shock. Your logical mind is protecting you, but what you saw today was horrific, and its effecting you physically. It would anyone. "

I was pretty stunned, when he said that, and he was right. I didn't know my emotions could do that kind of damage and stress, without me knowing. I was so caught up in my own bubble to save lives, and logic. Never imagined they could physically attack me over time, because I was to tough to feel those things.

Some of the funniest people in the world are in the Emergency medical profession, and thats to mask the daily pain you see. So, everyone needs help.



Funny but a little thing I used to say to myself before ever scene was from a book I red as a kid , Dune.





“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

? Frank Herbert, Dune



I hope something I said helps, everyone here wants to help, and hope you can see that. All of us need help to, we are no different. You can never give up.. your very smart for searching. I was not that smart.

It does get easier if you let people in, and Im really proud of you for that. Wish more had that courage.

really didn't think this post would be that long, but Im not great with words.

 

[Tony2046]

Hey Patsboy I was ALS (advanced life support) for Kittery, Dover, Portsmith, etc. It was exciting, depressing, and in fear all the time. Always had to overcome my emotions to do the job. Once you get on the scene people think your a god or something and look to you to bring their son back, or worse.

Emotion is something we cant see sometimes, or the cause. Sometimes others have to intervene and let us know what we don't see.

As example. We came to a scene on 95, theres a tollbooth before Maine. 4 kids fell asleep and hit the booth at about 70 mph. We couldn't tell who was female or male, they were to messed up. 1 guy flew out of the car from the ripped open top of the car, hit the booth, and was walking around when we got there.

I held him and he talked about his mom and family,what happened, as clear fluid was dripping from his ear. he was going to die any second. Took us 4 hours to get the people out of the front seat, because they had merged with parts of the car in seconds. The cops and fire guys were getting sick on the side.

I didn't think anything of it. I just wanted to save them. Bad day, but its never good when your called.

Later at the ER I was cleaning the ambulance, and started to feel so sick. Like I had a fever.

I was like "damn I got something from their blood", I mean really sick, I knew all the symptoms pointed to me getting infected. Logically I had messed up and got something serious.

I barely got back into the ER and told the nurse. I got something from one of the people we transported, its not good. She saw I was in distress, BP and fever, and knew we were professionals.

The ER Doc was a friend, and they pulled me in stat to do blood work.

I kept getting worse, and didn't know why. I went over all the moves I did to see where I messed up.

Later Doc Kapts came in and sat down.

He said "your blood work is ok, and there are no physical problems with you, but son your stats show you are in shock. Your logical mind is protecting you, but what you saw today was horrific, and its effecting you physically. It would anyone. "

I was pretty stunned, when he said that, and he was right. I didn't know my emotions could do that kind of damage and stress, without me knowing. I was so caught up in my own bubble to save lives, and logic. Never imagined they could physically attack me over time, because I was to tough to feel those things.

Some of the funniest people in the world are in the Emergency medical profession, and thats to mask the daily pain you see. So, everyone needs help.



Funny but a little thing I used to say to myself before ever scene was from a book I red as a kid , Dune.





“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

? Frank Herbert, Dune



I hope something I said helps, everyone here wants to help, and hope you can see that. All of us need help to, we are no different. You can never give up.. your very smart for searching. I was not that smart.

It does get easier if you let people in, and Im really proud of you for that. Wish more had that courage.

really didn't think this post would be that long, but Im not great with words.

One of the best posts I have read in a long time. Thanks

 

[PatsBoy12]

I just wanted to take the time this morning as I prepare to take on another day to say I'm taking on another day. Wow. I got to wake up again today, albeit much too early (about an hour now). LOL But I did not think I would a week ago when I created this post. Thirteen pages in and many saved lives later, here I am. Here Kenneth is. You all say I'm courageous. I thank you for that. But I feel that you all took courage for me. Your words to a complete stranger has kept him alive. To me, that's what deserves credit. I was simply weak, alone and afraid. I now have an army, a family in fact, of people that I truly feel care about me. I know Kenneth will say the same. I have read stories that are better than any book or movie. I have read stories that have touched me in ways I never imagined possible. I never knew that my moment of weakness could or would spawn what we've seen in this thread. It is truly an amazing thing! I don't know if any other forum could possibly be as amazing as this one, and I was saying stuff like that before all of this.

Family, I am not out of the woods. Everyday is a struggle. I have to fight back the hurt still. I have to fight back the tears still. I have to fight back the feelings of despair still. The difference now is that I know I have people in my life, near and far, that are in this with me. You all have not let me go. It is in part because of you all that I breathe and live. It is your strength that has carried me this far and it is this same strength that I hope will remain a very present beacon in my life. I need you all. Kenneth needs you all. Brady to Moss needs you all. Tony needs you all. And the many many others sharing their stories needs you all.

I truly hope you all can see that these are not empty words. I hope you all know that I truly feel that I owe my life to this board. I truly hope that you all realize that what you did can never be underestimated. I'm not here today if not for this board, and that includes the support from my family, friends and even my counselor. It's just different when it's coming from people you don't feel owe you anything. The way you all rallied around me (and now Kenneth) is truly amazing, and I feel deeply blessed. Why? Why would you all feel the desire to do that for people you don't know? The answer is because we're human and because we're connected. We all forget this when we're going through the day-to-day. We pass each other without so much as a glance at times. We lie to each other. We curse each other. And though I know there will never be such thing as a Utopia, it's threads like this that should serve as a reminder that we really aren't that different from one another. We all go through a lot of the same things in life.

Anyway, I don't want to get "preachy." I just wanted to stop in to say I am here. I am ready to face whatever there is for me today. I am still struggling, but I am not where I was just a week ago. In fact, last week might as well be last year because it feels miles away now. I can make that proclamation because of this forum. I probably do not even deserve it. And it's not that I've been a bad person by any stretch, but I feel that what you all did is more than I imagined and I still cannot fathom that you all thought enough of me to come to my rescue. Whether it's the Patriots, a divine hand or just fate, we all crossed paths at the same exact moment in time and it resulted in lives sustained. I don't know where this journey will end up for me, but I know that I have a chance to get better because I'm alive and I owe that in large part to this amazing community. And know that I have read some football threads for the first time in days. And though I'm not ready yet to start posting in the football threads, I am working my way to that point. Thank you all for being such a blessing in this dark time in my life.

I just want to give a special thanks to Dikembe for being incredible! To you all, THANK YOU ETERNALLY for giving me my second wind. As I said earlier in this thread, if you all continue to stay by my side in this, I promise I will continue to fight. Thank you for the strength you have given me to confront this thing.

 

[ralmat55]

So great to hear from Patsboy12. In my mind, you are a hero. If you had not started this thread, I would not have had the courage to do so. Thank you.

Having a bad morning, thoughts if her and of it are running through my mind. Will head to work soon and hope for relief from distraction. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful for all of you.

 

[PatsBoy12]

I started visiting Patsfans.com in 01 or 02 when it became the home of Miguel's cap pages. Although I have been an erratic poster under a couple of names, Patsfans has been my favorite website ever since - no better place to catch up on the latest of my beloved Patriots.

Last Friday I sat at my desk at work determined in my heart that I was living the last Friday of my life. When, as is my norm, I checked in at mid morning and read the OP of this thread by Patsboy12. It was a Godsend. He had the courage to reach out - did I.

On my lunch hour I composed my original post. It was totally unlike me to do so, but what did I have to lose. What happened next changed my life by saving it.

The outpouring of support, advice and concern by post or PM was amazing. People cared and suddenly I did not feel so lonely in my despair. It was a long weekend and my depression ebbed and flowed but your concern and encouragement continued.

I woke up this morning with her on my mind, and I posted as such along with my concern about being a burden. Andy Johnson and sh messy quickly reminded me that leaving my loved ones to wonder what they could have done to stop it was a greater burden than any other I could make them bear.

Thank you my friends. You have saved my life! This afternoon my insides stopped shaking for the first time in weeks. For the first time since I realized it really was over with my wife, I no longer wanted to be dead.

I am sure tough moments lie ahead particularly as I face a Nov 3rd court date where I stand before a judge alone to end a marriage I never wanted to end. But. I am going to make it. And, when I struggle I have my good friends at Patsfans to help me through it. Thank you my dear friends!

So, instead of being dead by carbon monoxide poisoning as I had planned, I will live another Friday and many many more I hope. Go Pats!!!

What an amazing forum we have indeed! Kenneth, keep fighting. We are in this together - you, me and our army of supporters. We are in this thing TOGETHER!

 

[PatsBoy12]

So great to hear from Patsboy12. In my mind, you are a hero. If you had not started this thread, I would not have had the courage to do so. Thank you.

Having a bad morning, thoughts if her and of it are running through my mind. Will head to work soon and hope for relief from distraction. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful for all of you.

Take courage this instant, Kenneth. Know that I am behind you. Know that Patsfans is behind you. We've been here this far, and we are not leaving you now. I am here to see you through this to the new life you will have and the new happiness you will find. Life does not stop and you should not either. Kick it back. Tell it you're not afraid anymore. Tell it that it almost beat you, but like we've seen Brady do in so many fourth quarters, you have come back to win. MVP-style. You are an MVP to me, to your loved ones. I believe in you, and I mean that. You're still here and that's not by accident or chance. It is because you are meant to still draw breath on this earth. Our time, no matter how temporary, is precious and I see that now. So should you. Thank you for helping to make this thread what it has become. Thank you for having the courage to follow my lead. Thank you for not ending your life.

 

[italian pat patriot]

in life there are good times and less good times; you're probably in the second-stage
what I can say is that I think we all have good times and less good moments but the hope that I make you is that you will surpass this difficult time, perhaps it takes time but I am sure that you will get out of the tunnel
i wish all the best, from Italy

 

[Tony2046]

So great to hear from Patsboy12. In my mind, you are a hero. If you had not started this thread, I would not have had the courage to do so. Thank you.

Having a bad morning, thoughts if her and of it are running through my mind. Will head to work soon and hope for relief from distraction. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful for all of you.

I have four important words for you Kenneth. Colts week is coming.

Ok, I was going to say "time heals all wounds" but I thought that the Colts thing would have more of an impact.

It's a Patsfans thing I guess.