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Sources: Belichick Might Be Witch

Discussion in 'PatsFans.com - Patriots Fan Forum' started by PatsFanInVa, Feb 22, 2008.

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  1. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    (INDIANAPOLIS) - Sources speaking on condition of anonymity and immunity say New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, already under siege for taping other teams in ways other than the ways you're supposed to tape them, may also be a witch.

    "It's possible that he is in league with the Forces of Evil," one league personnel director said, adding, "It is not impossible that he was born to a woman with eyes of two different colors, in a year when all the crops failed, and was in fact named Ba'al Belichick at birth."

    "If I were named Ba'al Belichick," added another league insider who refused to be named, "I would change my name to Bill too."

    Senator Arlen Sphincter noted that both scenarios seemed plausible, and should be examined under oath by the United States Senate.

    "I think it's on the National Football League to prove that Bill Belichick is not a witch," the Senator opined, between stints in "the barrel," a traditional entertainment in the Comcast Hospitality Tent.

    "If any of you have witnessed the ravings of Bill Polian in years past," Sphincter continued, "You would realize he'd been driven mad by Belichick, probably as the result of a spell involving use of some of his nail clippings or hair, and of course, a book of ancient satanic lore the Belichick still has not proven he does not have."

    "All I'm saying is the American people have a right to know if Belichick was at any time chanting backward in Latin, and if so, for what purpose."

    A former assistant from the New England Patriots staff, who said "what the hell I was the Incantations Assistant," confirmed that Belichick might be chanting backwards in Latin. Furthermore, the Pats' ex-I.A. said, a black cat had been seen on numerous occasions on the streets of Foxborough, Mass.

    "Salem wasn't that far from where we played and practiced," the I.A. said. "I'll let you connect the dots."

    Sources who know Senator Sphincter from watching him on TV say that it would be in keeping for the Senator to throw Belichick into a frozen pond with his arms and legs bound.

    "If indeed Belichick is a witch," reasoned the source, "it should be obvious by his ability to float, and therefore defeat the measure. If he dies, he is innocent, and if he lives he is guilty, and would be burned, in such a scenario."

    "Huh," said Sphincter, in response to the source's speculative approach.

    Sources have not ruled out that Belichick has fled to Mexico or will soon fake his own death, nor could sources find any way to prove that Belichick never travelled back in time to commit a string of murders attributed to "The Boston Strangler." Although Global Warming has not been definitively linked to Belichick, "the jury is still out," according to unnamed sources.
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2008
  2. bradmahn

    bradmahn In the Starting Line-Up

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    Two thumbs up. Superb.
     
  3. BSR

    BSR In the Starting Line-Up

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    Another ex-employee who did not want to be identified also claimed. "He turned me into a newt!" His condition has since then improved.
     
  4. nashvillepatsfan

    nashvillepatsfan In the Starting Line-Up

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    thats awesome:rofl::rofl:
     
  5. nashvillepatsfan

    nashvillepatsfan In the Starting Line-Up

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    stop it, your killing me. next your gonna tell me specter is chanting, "bring out ya dead"
    so if b.b. floats on water, he must be a witch?:D
     
  6. danny88

    danny88 Banned

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    Why do all the un funny posters have to ruin a perfectly funny post?
     
  7. Palm Beach Pats Fan

    Palm Beach Pats Fan In the Starting Line-Up

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    #12 Jersey

    Another source claims they saw him in the team hotel's pool, and he DOES float.

    must be made of wood, like witches...
     
  8. nashvillepatsfan

    nashvillepatsfan In the Starting Line-Up

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    what wasnt funny about his comment. its monty python. i thought it was funny, but what do i know:confused:
     
  9. ctpatsfan77

    ctpatsfan77 PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    #3 Jersey

    :agree:

    I guess Belichick weighs the same as a duck. . . . :)
     
  10. BSR

    BSR In the Starting Line-Up

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    I think he was too young to get it. I can only assume that he was born in 1988 making him about 20 and Python is well beyond him.
     
  11. BSR

    BSR In the Starting Line-Up

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    Hmm...now what else floats?
     
  12. nashvillepatsfan

    nashvillepatsfan In the Starting Line-Up

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    you know what would be great on this board? instead of listing where they live, how about everyone show their age. that would help with dumb posts:D
     
  13. PromisedLand

    PromisedLand Virtual Internet Person

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    "Two thumbs up!"
    - Roger Ebert

    "A+++++!"
    - L.A. Times

    "An instant classic!"
    - Boston Globe

    Subversive Propaganda*
    - NY Daily News
     
  14. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Hilarious - nice touch with the asterisk on the last "review"!

    PFnV
     
  15. Pats726

    Pats726 Veteran Starter w/Big Long Term Deal

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    Funny post...really??
     
  16. kjw

    kjw Rookie

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    "And how do we know if he's make of wood?"........

    "Build a bridge out of 'em!"
     
  17. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    The OP would like to note that although this news item may call to mind the Monty Python "How do you know she's a witch" sketch, the two arose from common antecedents, and should not be read as identical.

    Also the OP is just feeling like an attention whore at the moment, thinks he's pretty damn funny, and wants to shamelessly bump the thread.
     
  18. Patriotic Fervor

    Patriotic Fervor Rotational Player and Threatening Starter's Job

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    Indianapolis byline, huh? I wish those goobers could get something right...

    Bill Belichick cannot possibly be a witch! He's of the male gender. He must therefore be, by definition, a warlock.

    You could, possibly, call him a "male witch", but doing so would bring ruinous forces of Darkness down upon you! DON'T DO IT!!!!!!

    I hope this little exposition has squared everyone away....
     
  19. reflexblue

    reflexblue PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    #91 Jersey

    PFV What are you trying to stir up the Caldron? ;)
     
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2008
  20. #12

    #12 On the Game Day Roster

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    :rofl: This thread is great!
     
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