#1 The Giants - I hate the Giants because they are boring. They're not very good. They're never very good. Yet, every week of my life, it seems that the Giants are the only game on the block opposite the Patriots. Every week I have to watch ELi Manning blow a 13 point halftime lead to Philly. It happens like 13 weeks a year. Oh, how I have always hated watching the Giants. I hate their uniforms. I hate Bill Parcells. I hate their freak wins and their ridiculous collapses. When I see kids in Giants gear I want to beat up their dads in front of them. I hated them the most before Super Bowl 42. Now it's stratospheric.
#2 The Dolphins - I hated the Dolphins before I became conscious of the concept of hate. My distaste for Dan Marino programmed me to despise Peyton Manning before I knew who Peyton Manning was. When I was 6, "Squish the fish!" was my favorite phrase. The Dolphins always suck, and they always manage to beat us in the stupidest of ways. They're soft, gimmicky, lucky. Barely even football.
#3 The Broncos - I can never place John Elway in my top QBs list because, until I reached adulthood, he was the textbook choke artist of professional sports. Sure, he had 2 really big drives...amid about 25 colossal collapses. Then Jake Plummer, the man with the mustache my mom taught me not to trust. It was practically emasculating to lose to him, over and over again, in 2005. I had to come to work the next day and it was hard to look people in the eye. I felt shamed. When we lost to McDaniels and the Cow Tail candycane throwback Broncos, some 60 old guy started smack talking me in a bar in Toronto. I almost smacked him. I hate the Broncos.
#4 The Colts - Like I hated the Yankess in the 90's, it comes with a grudging respect. The top 3 teams I hate for irrational reasons. The Colts, they earned it.
#5 The Bucs - Like the Dolphins, bad, soft Florida football. Their uniforms look like they were made out of all the colors in the Crayola box you don't use. According to football outsiders they ranked 39th in scoreability index last year. They've never had a good quarterback, not even in past lives. I hate watching them bounce from 9 to 4 wins every other year. I hate that pirate ship in their stadium. My girlfriend makes fun of me for liking football when she sees that stupid pirate ship.
As for the Jets, never truely hated them like most do. I just never respected them a a team. They're like the Mets. They scarred me once or twice, but have never proven in my life to be a real threat.
