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On September 3rd, Judge Richard F. Berman vacated the suspension levied against Tom Brady. Later that day, NFL Commissioner Scheisskopf vowed to “appeal today’s ruling in order to uphold the collectively bargained responsibility to protect the integrity of the game.” [Ed. Note: the original draft of the statement concluded with the phrase “Bite me” which was removed on advice of counsel.]
Soon after making that statement, Scheisskopf abruptly vanished. He declined to attend the opening night game between the Patriot and the Steelers, citing a scheduling conflict involving an important meeting with that aliens guy from The History Channel. Since then, the commissioner has not been seen in public. Informed but anonymous sources state that in the wake of the Berman decision, a small cabal of concerned owners had kidnapped the commissioner and had him placed in a medically induced coma in order to protect the interests of the league.
In the intervening weeks, the NFL returned to the mundane business of playing football. Though the quality of play was characteristically sloppy and uneven during the first two weeks of the season, some regarded real football as a welcome respite from the banal legalities and Machiavellian machinations of the league’s front office. However, earlier this week, the crazed owner of one influential franchise located in the mid-west reportedly made off with the rare but powerful drugs used to sedate Scheisskopf, allowing the commissioner to recover the murky state of consciousness that enables him to blunder through his day to day existence.
Once Scheisskopf escaped from captivity, he quickly moved to reassert his malignant influence in the league office. One observer described the commissioner’s state of mind as “delusional, but not unusually so” but also noted that Scheisskopf was wearing combat fatigues, had shaved his head and painted his face green.
Acting against legal and public relations advice, the megalomaniac commissioner sought an interview with 60 Minutes. During the bizarre interview conducted in a torch-lit tent outside of MetLife Stadium Thursday night, Scheisskopf stated that Tom Brady would indeed serve the full four game suspension before the end of the 2015 season "or else." Scheisskopf also told CBS that his fanatical obsession with “protecting the shield” stems from his “deep and abiding love of money” and that he is duty bound to safeguard the interests of the Billionaire Boys Club because he shares their values and because they love money “almost as much as I do.” Scheisskopf said he maintains these strong moral convictions because the “voices in my head remind me everyday day.” He concluded the interview by chanting “j-e-t-s jets! jets! jets!” until aides could forcibly remove him from the area.
The anonymous sources further indicated that the general public would not likely ever see or hear the commissioner’s remarks. Once the league’s PR observers informed certain owners of Scheisskopf’s comments, CBS was advised that any attempt to broadcast or even leak contents of the interview would have serious repercussions. Reportedly, the league threatened to buy CBS, fire its news division, decimate its programming (including the hit series Dancing with the Crime Scene Investigators) and turn the once proud network into a discount version of the Home Shopping Network as well as a clearinghouse for of country-western greatest hits infomercials.
Commissioner Scheisskopf and the NFL declined comment for this story.
Soon after making that statement, Scheisskopf abruptly vanished. He declined to attend the opening night game between the Patriot and the Steelers, citing a scheduling conflict involving an important meeting with that aliens guy from The History Channel. Since then, the commissioner has not been seen in public. Informed but anonymous sources state that in the wake of the Berman decision, a small cabal of concerned owners had kidnapped the commissioner and had him placed in a medically induced coma in order to protect the interests of the league.
In the intervening weeks, the NFL returned to the mundane business of playing football. Though the quality of play was characteristically sloppy and uneven during the first two weeks of the season, some regarded real football as a welcome respite from the banal legalities and Machiavellian machinations of the league’s front office. However, earlier this week, the crazed owner of one influential franchise located in the mid-west reportedly made off with the rare but powerful drugs used to sedate Scheisskopf, allowing the commissioner to recover the murky state of consciousness that enables him to blunder through his day to day existence.
Once Scheisskopf escaped from captivity, he quickly moved to reassert his malignant influence in the league office. One observer described the commissioner’s state of mind as “delusional, but not unusually so” but also noted that Scheisskopf was wearing combat fatigues, had shaved his head and painted his face green.
Acting against legal and public relations advice, the megalomaniac commissioner sought an interview with 60 Minutes. During the bizarre interview conducted in a torch-lit tent outside of MetLife Stadium Thursday night, Scheisskopf stated that Tom Brady would indeed serve the full four game suspension before the end of the 2015 season "or else." Scheisskopf also told CBS that his fanatical obsession with “protecting the shield” stems from his “deep and abiding love of money” and that he is duty bound to safeguard the interests of the Billionaire Boys Club because he shares their values and because they love money “almost as much as I do.” Scheisskopf said he maintains these strong moral convictions because the “voices in my head remind me everyday day.” He concluded the interview by chanting “j-e-t-s jets! jets! jets!” until aides could forcibly remove him from the area.
The anonymous sources further indicated that the general public would not likely ever see or hear the commissioner’s remarks. Once the league’s PR observers informed certain owners of Scheisskopf’s comments, CBS was advised that any attempt to broadcast or even leak contents of the interview would have serious repercussions. Reportedly, the league threatened to buy CBS, fire its news division, decimate its programming (including the hit series Dancing with the Crime Scene Investigators) and turn the once proud network into a discount version of the Home Shopping Network as well as a clearinghouse for of country-western greatest hits infomercials.
Commissioner Scheisskopf and the NFL declined comment for this story.
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