Quick, Decisive Action from the NFL
New York (JPO), In a move that is certain to resonate throughout the sports world, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell took swift action to discipline those deemed primarily responsible for the New York Jets tampering with 49er’s first round draft pick, Michael Crabtree. Although the rapidity with which the validity of the allegations was found to be true was in itself astounding; it pales in comparison to stunning revelation of the actual guilty parties, the Jets’ AFC East opponent, the New England Patriots.
According to sources close to the commissioner’s office, the New England Patriots have created an environment of lawlessness and disregard throughout the AFC East that has left the other divisional teams unsure what, if any rules, are applicable within the division, the league or society in general. Examples such as former New England wide receiver Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide conviction and the sentencing today of former Giants’ wide receiver Plaxico Burress were offered as conclusive evidence of New England’s complicity in recent NFL moral and legal failures. Burress was a member of the Giants’ Super Bowl team that upset the Patriots’ bid for a perfect season; a team that was (and remains) coached by Bill Belichick; who as Defensive Coordinator for the very same Giants may possibly have been somewhat responsible for the Lawrence Taylor’s allegedly excessive drug use.
Belichick, according to sources, is likely to be suspended for the remainder of the season, in addition to receiving a fine significantly higher than the one imposed when he video tape opposing teams and possibly sold the tapes to other Jets' opponents on eBay. Commissioner Goodell is said to be extremely disappointed that Belichick has not learnt his lesson and intends to be less lenient this time. Additionally, the Patriots’ may have to forfeit a number of draft picks. In an unprecedented move, sources have also indicated that the Patriots’ will be forced to relinquish a number of players to their divisional opponents. The Bills are said to receive Randy Moss and special dispensation by the league to have two number 81’s. The Dolphins will be blessed and acquire the services of Stephen Gostkowski; whereas the Jets will acquire the diminutive, yet powerful, Wes Welker. None of the teams were willing to accept New England QB Tom Brady; who according to one team's representative is “…all washed up. Didn’t you see that game on Sunday?” New England will continue to pay the salaries of the forfeited players and will hold the charges against their salary cap.
The league has placed a gag order on New England team owner Bob Kraft and all other members of the Patriots’ organization. According to the league, the actual violation did not involve New England, therefore they do not need to offer their opinions on the matter. The San Francisco 49er’s, however, are not satisfied with the resolution. According to an anonymous team source, “[w]e are the aggrieved party. Why do we not participate in the talent distribution? We would have taken Brady. Sure he’s washed up, but we could use a decent backup to hold the clipboard on the sidelines.” The league however sees this incident as an opportunity to treat the disease rather than, merely, the most recent symptom. “I think they’ll get the picture now,” said one league representative, who very slightly resembled Bill Polian.
