We are at a precarious point in PatsFans.com/new-england-patriots/messageboard history. Our supreme ruler, Ian, logs in every single day to a board that has never in its history been more divided. PatsFans is confronting a once-in-a-generation power struggle between Team Bill and Team Tom. Deep discontent over Bill Belichick letting Tom Brady test free agency and, eventually, leave for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers has reached a fevered pitch with 30% of respondents polled saying that it was Brady’s time to go. Another 20% state that Brady chose to leave. On the other hand, 50% of respondents say that Bill could have done more earlier to keep the greatest quarterback of all time here and happy. These are, indeed, dark days. Sorrow has turned into ugliness as threads burn in one sub-forum after another. But, as former Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent once famously said, the night is always darkest just before the dawn.
PatsFans, I am here to tell you that we are stronger TOGETHER. I believe that this once great message board will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. While I, myself, am Team Brady, I aim to work hard for everyone. And though the attacks on my credibility from Team Bill have left me scarred and deformed, my resolve has never been stronger! In that spirit, I am declaring today, February 10, 2021 “PatsFans.com Day.” A national holiday. With that in mind, I have also implemented a few Top Poster Executive Orders. The following is now signed into law here...
1. You must add one compliment to every post you respond to. This could include a compliment on the posters looks, prose, or overall opinion. If you think the poster you’re responding to has a girth-y penis, let him know!
2. Personal attacks are now outlawed. I am the only exception.
3. You are no longer allowed to click the “Disagree” rating without explaining yourself. Those who violate this will be brutally violated and murdered on sight.
4. The “Passing the Tourch” and “I don’t care... I can’t stand it!” threads will be retrieved from the archives and unlocked for further discussion.
5. Mosslost will have his ban rescinded.
6. Debates that Ring 6 takes part in will be capped at two pages.
7. fnordcircle will be banned effective immediately. I will also find a way to liquidate every asset he owns in real life. He’s done.
8. Members who own gas guzzler vehicles will have those vehicles seized and they will be replaced with gigantic electric vibrating bildos on wheels. I am working with a team of Bills fans on the design and we anticipate production ramping up before the end of the calendar year. You will not be given a rebate on your existing vehicle.
I will advise as more executive orders are passed. In the meantime, as we all saw last month, a poem has the power to heal a nation and erase all wounds. Unless I am sitting on a filthy toilet in a public bathroom with a Sharpie, however, I am no poet. But I can, and will, give a speech to conclude the thread and kick off the holiday. Like Ron Borges, I have written this material myself without any assistance from anyone. I hope everyone will be inspired by this speech and call out of work immediately following it to celebrate the holiday properly.
Good morning. In less than an hour Patriots fans from here will join others from around the world, and you will be launching the largest Kumbaya moment in the history of Pats Nation.
“Pats Nation.” That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today is the 10th of February and you will once again be fighting for our freedom not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation.
We’re fighting for our right to live, to exist. And should we come together today, the 10th of February will no longer be known as a PatsFans.com holiday, but as the day when Pats Nation declared loudly in one voice, “We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish... without a fight! We’re going to live on. We’re going to survive. Today we celebrate our PatsFans.com Day!”
