I am not a lawyer. :snob:
OTOH, I was a science major whose job now includes teaching pre-law students how to take the LSAT, so trying to parse the CBA is actually fairly easy for me.
Well that explains a lot about how lawyers like Roger Goodell can come up with rules like these:
"REMOVAL OF HELMET
(h) Removal of his helmet by a player in the field of play during a celebration or during a confrontation with a game official or any other player.
Note 1: Under no condition is an official to allow a player to shove, push, or strike him in an offensive, disrespectful, or unsportsmanlike manner. Any such action must be reported to the Commissioner.
Penalty: (for a through h): Loss of 15 yards from succeeding spot or whatever spot the Referee, after consulting with the crew, deems equitable.
Note 2: Violations of (b) or (c) (above), which occur before or during the game may result in disqualification in addition to the yardage penalty. Any violations at the game site on the day of the game, including postgame, may result in discipline by the Commissioner. Any violation of (g) (above) may result in disqualification and also will include discipline by the Commissioner. An official must see the entire action for a player to be disqualified.
Note 3: Violations of (b) will be penalized if any of the acts are committed directly at an opponent. These acts include but are not limited to: sack dances; home run swing; incredible hulk; spiking the ball; spinning the ball; throwing or shoving the ball; pointing; pointing the ball; verbal taunting; military salute; standing over an opponent (prolonged and with provocation); or dancing.
Note 4: Violations of (c) will be penalized if any of the acts occur anywhere on the field. These acts include but are not limited to: throat slash; machine-gun salute; sexually-suggestive gestures, prolonged gyrations; or stomping on a team logo.
Note 5: Violations of (d) will be penalized if they occur anywhere on the field other than the bench area.
Note 6: If any foreign object(s) are deemed a safety hazard by the game officials, in addition to a yardage penalty, the player will be subject to ejection from the game, whether he uses the object or not.
DISCONCERTING
(i) The defensive use of acts or words designed to disconcert an offensive team at the snap. An official must blow his whistle immediately to stop play.
(j) Concealing a ball underneath the clothing or using any article of equipment to simulate a ball.
LINGERING
(k) Using entering substitutes, legally returning players, substitutes on sidelines, or withdrawn players to confuse opponents. The clarification is also to be interpreted as covering any lingering by players leaving the field when being substituted for. See 5-2-2."
I am so grateful that under the rules governing
"Removal of Helmet" there can be no dancing, no incredible hulk, no military salute and no throwing or shoving of the ball on the field. It would seem that this rule does not, mercifully, prohibit sticking needles in my eyes. But I'm sure the Commissioner is looking into that.