We should be more specific with our thanks. I'll start.
I'd like to thank the Bills for having years in which the punter was unquestionably your best player. For holding onto calls that went the Patriots way as proof of some grand conspiracy, as if it explained the umpteen victories in a row between our teams, or the string of sub .500 teams you fielded. For hiring Rex after it was proven beyond a shadow of a doubt as to what a buffoon he is as a head coach. Yes, even Jets fans are laughing at you now. For trading up to get a shiny receiver, when you don't actually have a Quarterback to throw him the ball. And what the hell, for throwing Doug Flutie under the bus in favor of Rob Johnson, who was indirectly responsible for 13 of the 22 points scored by the Titans in the Music City Miracle game, oh so many years ago in the last playoff game your sorry franchise has played in, two entire presidencies ago.
I'd like to thank the Dolphins for their inability to find a quarterback or head coach worth a warm bucket of spit since Marino and Jimmy Johnson departed in 1999. For innovating the Wildcat, and then attempting to ride it's declining success for a season and a half after it was obvious that it's time had passed. For drafting Tedd Ginn and John Beck in 2007 instead of Patrick Willis, Marshawn Lynch, or Darrell Revis with that first pick, and David Harris, LaMarr Woodley, or Ryan Kalil with that second pick.
I'd like to thank the Jets for the entire Rex Ryan fiasco. For lucking into two AFC championships and convincing yourself that you had already arrived. For inspiring the divine literary comedy "Collision Low Crossers". For trading up time and again to get top shelf talent like Mark Sanchez, Dee Milliner, and Vernon Gholston, while we get stuck with chumps like Vollmer, Gronkowski, and Jamie Collins. For once making a damn kicker your first draft pick. For attempting to defeat your rivals through complaints to your captured league offices rather than on the field. For sabotaging the other rival franchises in the division by sending Rex to Buffalo and Tanenbaum to Miami. Thank you most of all. Hating your franchise has been a rich and rewarding life decision.
