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God designates Tom Brady as His successor

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Dec 12th
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After reading every thread in this forum, God has decided to move on after nominating Tom Brady as His replacement.

"I have charged the Council of Angels with making a final determination. But as far as I'm concerned, it's a fait accompli," God said in a written statement issued late Saturday. "They usually do what I suggest anyway."

As explained by chief spokesman Gabriel, God cited the extreme level of QB12 worship in the infamous Tom Brady forum as unprecedented and unparalleled. "The Lord knows when he's overmatched," Gabriel said. He identified chief Brady idolator and forum originator Dis Array as responsible for elevating the football star to "preferred deity" status via excessive godlike praise in the infernal Tampa Bay Buccaneers thread.

"Hell, not even our Heavenly Father is the subject of THAT many Tweets," Gabriel quipped. "I mean, come on. Brady doesn't peel an avocado without a blow-by-blow account posted in the Bucs thread. Then you have these minions hanging breathlessly on every word. You can't blame God for turning the page."

Asked when Brady might assume the throne, Gabriel said it could come soon after his broadcast contract with Fox Sports ends. That and other details will be determined by the Council of Angels. "With God's blessing they'll decide when Tom is called home," he said.

Potential factors complicating the transfer -- cited by both Gabriel and Council representatives -- include satanic intervention and dissolution of the Buccaneers thread. Brady's apparent preoccupation with amassing even greater earthly wealth plus growing hubris, both on and off the football field, are noted concerns re. required purity of soul. "Beelzebub's impact in that regard is being closely monitored," Gabriel said. "And if the unconditional worship Tom receives through this forum somehow dissipates, the Lord might start having second thoughts. Of course, this all is speculative."

Elsewhere, news of Brady's impending ascension was received matter-of-factly. "I know what it's like to step aside for Tom," said ex-Buccaneers Head Coach Bruce "Easy Chair" Arians. "It is not something you argue with."
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