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Draft Grades from a Know Nothing

2021 Patriots Season:
Upcoming Opponent:
Next Up: at Bills
Pick Results: NE: 0% at BUF: 0%

Dec 6th

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In the Starting Line-Up
Interested to see how someone who's never heard of any of these players before they were drafted by us viewed this year's draft? Want insight from a guy who's maybe watched a grand total of a half hour's worth of College Football in his whole life? Well pull up a chair Shirley!

27. Devin McCourty - Cornerback - Rutgers
Rutgers sounds like a cool college, I have no clue where it is but it's a cool sounding word "Rutgers." Anyway if this guy is any good I'm happy about this pick, cuz our secondary got burned more times than a spoon at a crack house last year and I'd like to not have to go for it on 4th and 2 again. Every time we lose to the Colts a little part of me dies so I'm starting to attract almost as many necrophiliacs as Adalius Thomas' career.


42. Rob Gronkowski - Tight end - Arizona
Gronk! Gronk! Gronk! Gronk! FINALLY! I've wanted a good tight end for so long now! Hopefully his back can hold up. I love the passion and the afformentioned nickname. 42 is the answer to life, the Universe, and Everything you know. Hopefully Gronk can be that for the Pats. I know if I were Tom Brady today I'd be doin Gisele, but after that I'd be salivating at the thought of havin that huge target to throw to. Like Jason Witten with a funny name.


53. Jermaine Cunningham - Defensive End - Florida
Seriously who names their kid "Urban" anyway? Imagine if Country music star Keith Urban's parents had done that? Hmmm? Oh yeah right the pick. Yeah everyone was screamin for a pass rusher and we got one so I hope you're all happy. Hopefully he can pull pre a-hole Adalius Thomas and plant Manning into the ground a-la old man Favre. That was AT right? I think so I dunno, Jetsons and soforth and whatnot. Have you ever eaten uncooked chocolate chips out of an empty tylenol 1 bottle?


62. Brandon Spikes - Linebacker - Florida
And I mean "Urban Meyer" sounds like a hot dog you'd get in a big city. I just can't get over that name. Yeah I know I know, fine the pick. "BOSS, DEE PLANE DEE PLANE!!!" That's what you sound like guy in my head. Anyway the first thing I thought when I heard of this guy is Takeo or Takeeo or Takio or however you spell his first name Spikes. And then it turns out according to the PFW in Progress boys he's like his uncle's brother's cousin's former roommate or somethin like that. I guess that's good. I only remember T Spikes for havin like one good game against us back when he came to the Bills, that might have even been the 31-0 azzkicking we took which we handed back to em later on in the year game. I can't recall. Anyhoo I was hoping we'd draft some dude who's initials were BLT because he'd go perfect with Mayo, and then just for those fools who prefer Mustard we could line up that Colonel from Clue to be our 3rd LB and we'd have ourselves a feast of an LB corps. But noooOOOOooOOOO Bill had to get the "best player available" What a schmo, we could have had a Subwayesque D!


90. Taylor Price - Wide receiver - Ohio
The Price is Wrong B***h - Happy Gilmore. Actually it could be right I have no idea, like I said i don't know anything about any of these players. But there is one thing that comes to mind. What in the name of Holy Hell. (A phrase that always makes me think because isn't Hell the antithesis of Holy?) is a Buckeye anyway? I know what a Hawkeye is, it's one of these.

Oh, Ok that's Ohio State not Ohio. See how much I know about College football? Looking it up I see it's a tree. We should change our names to the New England Weeping Willows. Blah, yeah WR great another target for TFB, young guy to maybe replace Moss, yadda yadda yadda.


113. Aaron Hernandez - Tight End - Florida
"You can never have enough Tight Ends!" - Agent who has a lot of Tight Ends as clients.

Hey, at least I didn't make an Urban Meyer joke on this one. And you have to give me credit because I know 3 total things about Urban Meyer: #1 his name is urban Meyer #2 he either is or used to be the coach of Florida, I think he used to be because I think he shocked a lot of people and left because of some reason or something. #3 BB knows him somehow.

Anyway I would assume since Gronk is a catching tight end this guy is probably a blocking tight end, which is good, the more plays Brady stays on his feet the better for us all.


150. Zoltan Mesko - Punter - Michigan
You don't mess with the Zoltan! (Also oddly enough this gives me yet another MASH flashback where Klinger pretended he was Zoltan, King of the Gypsies. And Hawkeye and Colonel Potter got drunk and drank a toast to Klinger's nose which was a double and then to Zoltan's nose which was also a double)

This is by far the best pick in the draft, and not just by us I mean by anyone. I can guaran-damn-tee you that St. Louis is kickin themselves for picking Bradford instead of this guy.

Seriously though, this is a great pick. The guy is a stud punter and we need good punting, we haven't had it in a long time. You want to improve the D instantly? Give them a longer field to defend.

Also this video is funny.
YouTube - Zoltan Mesko Falls When Hitting Michigan Banner

205. Ted Larsen - Center - North Carolina State
Oh I wish I were an Urban Meyer weiner, that is what I'd truly like to beeEEEeeee, and if I were an Urban Meyer weiner, everyone would beeeee in love with meeeee!

There's a hot dog maker called Larsen's isn't there? Man, I've got weiners on the mind lately, I feel like Bill Polian at Spring Break in San Francisco.

That reminds me of a funny skit from SNL, it was back when Adam Sandler was on and it was called the Denise Show, it was like a public access thing where this dude got broken up on by Denise and made a show about it. (Cancel the Emmy!) Anyway one of the segments of the show was him calling up a phone sex line until he got too embarrassed and hung up.

The Denise Show

Brian: Okay, now let's move on to the part of the show where I call one of those sex phone lines, and I get embarassed halfway through and hang up. Here we go. [lifts phone and dials]

[phone rings]

Phone Sex Operator: Hello?

Brian: Hello, this is Brian. What's your name?

Phone Sex Operator: What do you want it to be?

Brian: Denise.

Phone Sex Operator: Okay.

Brian: How are you Denise?

Phone Sex Operator: I'm hot for you, Brian.

Brian: Then why did you break up with me?

Phone Sex Operator: Oh, Brian, your voice is turning me on. What do you want to do to me?

Brian: Everything.

Phone Sex Operator: Yeah. Where do you want me to touch you?

Brian: My wiener.

Phone Sex Operator: Your wiener?! Did you just say "wiener?!"

Brian: No. [hangs up]
Yeah, i got nothin on this guy for real, Center, great. Hopefully he can develop and protect whoever comes after TFB.

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In the Starting Line-Up
208. Thomas Welch - Offensive Tackle - Vanderbilt
The first thing that popped in my head upon seeing this guy's name was Grape Jelly. Is it Welch or Welsh that makes jelly? I'm not sure, I'm more of a strawberry man myself although I wish I was a raspberry guy cuz it's a lot cheaper, but you know me only the finest things in life right?

Anyway, I hereby predict that this guy will win Rookie of the Year. I'm basing that on absolutely nothing but my hope that he sacks Peyton Manning 417 times in one quarter.

Vanderbilt is a pretty cool name for a college too. If I had to choose I think I'd choose it over Rutgers. Although it sounds more elite so maybe it wouldn't be as good a football college. Does Harvard have a football team? That'd be hilarious to watch them play a dirty team like the Raiders or the Titans. I bet every one of their players would have a British accent.


* The 4th plus is conditional on him having a weave by year 3.

247. Brandon Deaderick - Defensive Tackle - Alabama
I'm officially changing this guy's last name to "Dreaderick" cuz it sounds slightly cooler. Kinda reminds me when I first became a Pats fan I used to call Drew Bledsoe "Dreadsoe" My brother thinks he looks like the dude that played The Pretender on that terrible NBC show.

Alabama huh? You ever see that movie Crimson Tide? Man, that's some good s**te. "Set Condition 1SQ for strategic missile launch, spin up missiles 1 through 5 and 20 through 24. The use of nuclear weapons has been authorized." Doesn't the last sentence look more scary because it's in italics? I wonder if that works in other paragraphs?

So I walked up to the guy and was like "hey man what's going on?" and he just looked at me and said "not much bro." So after that we headed down to the dock to throw rocks.

So I walked up to the guy and was like "hey man what's going on?" and he just looked at me and said "not much bro." So after that we headed down to the dock to throw rocks.

Hmmm, it doesn't really look more scary but it does look more ominous somehow. You're like "Whoa, somethin really cool must have happened at this rock throwing festivale."

A++/[email protected]!accentegu

248. Kade Weston - Defensive Tackle - Georgia
Kade is a pretty cool name


250. Zac Robinson - Quarterback - Oklahoma State
The Heir apparent to TFB. BB wanted to be even more awesome by picking his future QB even further down the draft than he did TFB. I bet BB was on the phone all day tryin to trade down to 255 to pick this guy, and the Lions were all "We can't trade this pick you idiot it's a supplemental compensatory selection!" and BB was like "Aw come on baby, I'll give ya our whole draft next year!" and the Lions were all "Look, we're not the Redskins and you're not Mike Ditka, GOODBYE! *click*" And then BB hung on the line for another few hours hoping they'd pick up again, not realizing how hang ups work.

Either that or he's going to turn him into another Whiteboy Wes Welker Wes Walker.

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Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract
Why did we have to have 12 draft picks. This would have ended much sooner.


Pro Bowl Player
Your + key just called. It will be in the hospital for a week recovering.
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TB12 Supporter
When I saw this thread I thought you were referring to Mel Kiper Jr and his B- assessment of the Patriots draft :p.


Experienced Starter w/First Big Contract
An Urban Meyer joke, two M*A*S*H jokes, and a BB draft joke- nothing could be finer :D

Great job on that...wherever it came from
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Pro Bowl Player
A buckeye is a pig.

I graduated from Ohio State, and while I don't really consider myself a "Buckeye", I don't like being called a "pig" even so.

If you must go to the dictionary and echo the classic Michigan "What is a buckeye? Some kind of nut?" bumper sticker, fine, but please don't just make something up.


Third String But Playing on Special Teams
very funny.....nice change of pace from the other usual 30 threads about how
a) NEP will finish last in East because we didn't pick player 'X' in draft.
b) - in season thread- How bad our OC is..... bad that he wont even be named for fear of reprisals......
so bad that his name has been changed and he has gone into the witness protection program.........
so bad...... yadda yaddda yadday.

thanks for the laughter!

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