Jete (pron. jeet): 1. formerly Jets, New Jersey-based quasi-professional football team renamed by retired player Tony Richardson during the 2017 National Football League draft.
stank (pron. staynk): 1. a past of stink; 2. condition endemic to the New Jersey Jete, characterized by a mixed odor of burnt hair/used motor oil/rotting swamp flora accompanying feelings of despair and futility from on-field ineptitude.
savior (pron. sayv-yore): 1. one that saves from danger or destruction; 2. one who brings salvation; 3. New Jersey Jete designation for new quarterbacks assumed capable of delivering a championship. Seriously. That's how the poor souls think.
THE STANK SPRINGS ETERNAL
With a widely acknowledged playoff-caliber roster and hall-of-fame-bound quarterback, the question might appear obvious – at least, to the uninitiated: How could the Jete possibly “suck” in 2024?
Injuries? Holdouts? Clueless coaching and ownership? Bad karma or a satanic curse, perhaps? After an astounding 55 years without a championship of any kind and seemingly against all odds, futility maintains an iron grip on team fortunes.
But of course, New Jersey’s interminable ineptitude HAS to end sometime, right? RIGHT?
We all remember when Green Bay castoff quarterback Aaron Rodgers signed before the 2023 season. You know, the guy who mulled retirement during his conspicuous darkness retreat before deciding that $75 million guaranteed was worth two years of stank. Then, as fate would have it, he blew an Achilles tendon just four plays into the opener, heralding another losing campaign.
Jete brass hoped Rodgers would help end New Jersey’s 12-year playoff drought while mentoring 2021 first-round quarterback Zach Wilson to respectability after two disappointing seasons. Of course, providence had other plans. Wilson struggled mightily as Rodgers indulged typically controversial mischief on social media while rehabbing away from team facilities. Replaced alternately by veteran retread Trevor Siemian and relative unknown Tim Boyle, “Punky McMilfson” was traded to Denver for a sixth-round draft pick in April. The Jete had finished 7-10, their eighth consecutive losing season.
Investing heavily in an upgraded offensive line via the draft and free agency, head coach Robert Saleh and general manager Joe Douglas pinned hopes for the 2024 season – and possibly, their careers – on Rodgers’ healthy return. Meanwhile, the insidious stank continues messing with them unexpectedly. Potential star edge rusher Haason Reddick has refused to report after being traded by the Eagles while eight players have landed on injured reserve since the start of training camp, including starting linebacker Jermaine Johnson.
With the vaunted Jete defense showing cracks early, Rodgers’ “second coming” faces even greater pressure amidst playoff expectations. Legend has it that franchise icon Joe Namath sold his soul to Satan for the team’s lone title in 1969. Whether Aaron can strike a similar deal with the devil is TBD. Much will depend on sheer dumb luck, including his ability at age 40 (the NFL’s oldest active player) to weather a 17-game regular season.
Otherwise, complementary parts appear set assuming the goofball coaching staff doesn’t muck things up. Once again, the final question looms: will it be “Same Old Jets” redux, or what is needed to
Just
End
The
Suffering?
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