(AP) The NFL on Monday appointed Mel Kiper GM for every NFL franchise in the month of April. Kiper, the iconic draft commentator who began scouting in 1983, expressed "appreciation and relief that I can finally showcase my talents on the grand stage." The move comes as little surprise to league insiders, who have been in secret discussions for several months. "For the last three decades, the NFL has strived to achieve parity among all franchises," wrote NFL spokesperson Greg Aiello, in a letter released today to all 32 teams. "We have instituted a salary cap, given the worst teams the easiest schedules, and tried to ensure that weaker teams can improve fast through the draft." The memo then went on to detail the disparity in the NFL, highlighting a bold discrepancy between NFL franchises. One glaring passage one page six of the memo: the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts have averaged 12.5 wins per season since 2001. The Detroit Lions and Arizona Cardinals, meanwhile, have averaged only 4.2 Above: A photo of Mel Kiper, recently named "Overlord of League Drafting." Kiper will now have complete authority for all 32 NFL teams in the month of April. "The hiring of Mel Kiper Jr. ensures that every team will improve every year, that no team will reach for an undervalued player, and that each team will receive an A+ from Mr. Kiper's esteemed rating system," Roger Goodell added in a personal statement released on NFL.com. "Personally, as someone who grew up a Jets fan, I'm just sick of it. Blair Thomas? Chad Pennington at #18, when Tom Brady will available for four more rounds?" According to Kiper, some different results would have occurred yesterday had he been the point man. "Let's start in round one," Kiper exuberantly told a group of screaming fans outside the ESPN studio in Connecticut. "Lions fans: how would you like to have Jerod Mayo, rather than Gosder Cherilus? Yeah, I thought you would. New England would have traded the #10 and picked up Rodgers-Cromartie at 14. With Samuel gone, a shutdown corner is a bigger need than a linebacker, who will need a few years of development with the 3-4." Kiper will have complete authority over all team decisions for the month of April, including the ability "to trade, release, and sign players, and of course, will personally hand in all draft day moves, which will benefit the best interest of the every NFL team," Aiello wrote in a reply email. "Mel will personally announce each pick as they happen, offering explanations on his web site, and negotiate contracts after the draft." While league reaction has generally been positive, a few notable NFL names have not been so amenable. "Is this a joke?" asked Indianapolis Colts GM Bill Polian, in a conference call this morning. "I hope the CFL enjoys watching Randy Moss and Wes Welker," quipped Patriots owner Robert Kraft. "It's a relief, honestly," admitted Lions G.M. Matt Millen. "The draft has a lot of variables that's hard to understand. Who knew a guy like Mike Williams would bust? He had all the physical attributes and intangibles. With Mel calling the shots, we won't need to worry about that anymore. We've been assured by the NFL that we'll be in the playoffs by 2011." Kiper could not be reached for comment. According to inside sources, he is presently working on a deal that will send Carson Palmer to the Vikings, in exchange for a first round pick in 2009. "The Bengals will then package that pick to move up and draft Tim Tebow if he's still available," said a close associate of Kiper. "Mel says Tebow is going to be a stud. He's tough, accurate, and mobile. And he's better suited for the Bengals system, with his quick release and 4.56 forty time. And whoever trades with the Bengals could probably use James Lauranitis, provided its a 4-3 base system. It would be a reach to take Lauranitis in the top 5, though, so it may mean a third team needs to step in on the deal." League executives are presently debating whether or not to rename of the NFL Draft "Mel Kiper's NFL Draft."