How The Gronk Stole the Playoffs
by Dr. Soused
Every Billsfan Down in Buffville Liked Gameday a lot...
But the Gronk, Who lived just north of Buffville, Did NOT!
The Gronk hated Bills in the Playoffs! The whole Bills Postseason!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason you seek,
May have been that his DD coffee was two shots too weak.
Whatever the reason, His coffee or his shoes,
He stood there on Gameday Eve, hating the Bills,
Staring down from his mancave with a sour, Gronky frown,
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Billsfan down in Buffville beneath,
Was busy now, drinking Coors Light or mead.
"And they're drinking weak ass Coors Light!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Gameday! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Gronk fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop their Playoffs from coming!"
For Tomorrow, he knew, all the Billsfan girls and boys,
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their tvs!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Billsfans, young and old, would sit down to a feast.
And they'd feast! And they'd feast! And they'd FEAST!
FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
They would feast on Buffalo brats, and rare Buffalo-roast beast.
Which was something the Gronk couldn't stand in the least!
And THEN They'd do something He liked least of all!
Every Billsfan down in Buffville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Gameday bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Billfans would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Gronk thought of this Billsfan GamedaySing,
The more the Gronk thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for seven years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop their Playoffs from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRONK GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Gronk laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick diagram and stuck it in his coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Gronky trick!"
"With this plan in my coat, I’ll just be a real prick!"
"All I need is a helper..." The Gronk looked around.
But, since helpers are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Gronk? No! The Gronk simply said,
"If I can't find a helper, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his pal, Dola. Then he took some green bread,
And he shook Dola’s hand and patted his head.
THEN He lifted some weights and went over his plan,
A ramshackle play would work and Dola was just the man.
Then the Gronk said, "Let’s Party!" And he went out of town,
Toward New Era where the Billsfans were tailgating with nary a frown.
All their grills were off. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Billsfans were daydreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first play he laid the defense bare.
"This is stop number one," the old Gronky hissed,
And he seemd quite aloof, and raised a Gronky fist.
Then he ran back to the huddle. A rather great play.
But, if Brady could do it, then so could the Gronk.
He got stuck only once, just like me and you.
Then he pushed with his might a Bills player or two.
Where the little Bills players all stood in a row.
"These Players," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole stadium, and took everything present!
Brews! And Buff Gear! Sweatshirts! Hats!
The Gameday Guides! Popcorn! And Buffalo brats!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Gronk, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the runway!
Then he slunk back to the field. He shook the Billsfans!
He shook the Buffalo media! Then on with the plan!
He cleaned the clock of every defender on his way to score.
Why, that Gronk even took their will to play anymore!
He pushed all the Bills down that were in sight.
"And NOW!" grinned Gronk, "I will Tre’davious White!"
As the Gronk was grabbed and shoved on every play,
And he played through it all to a 2 TD day.
He turned around fast and he saw the small Bill!
Tre’davious White, who was a bitter little pill.
The Gronk had been caught by this tiny Bill daughter,
Who Gronk wanted to throw in ice cold water.
She stared at the Gronk and said, "Gronk, die,”
"you have to stop taking our Playoff chances so Die"
But, you know, that old Gronk was so smart and so slick,
He thought up a retort, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little girl," the Gronk replied,
"There's a pass coming so stop grabbing my side."
"And I'm going for my 3rd TD, my sweet dear."
"I'll jump up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his words infuriated the child as Gronk patted her head,
But Tre’Davious pushed Gronk hard and caught the ball instead.
And when Tre’davious came down near the sideline,
Dola pounced into action and hit her one last time!
Then the last thing anyone could think would transpire!
Gronk lost control, and forearmed White to great ire.
As the sweet little Bills player lay still, motionless.
On the hard cold ground feet where ended Gronk’s success.
And Gronk was castigated and cursed for retaliating.
"They're finding out now that no Playoff is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the Bilsfans down in Buffville will all cry BooHoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Gronk, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And the Gronk put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Buffville! The Gronk popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Billsfan down in Buffville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any Playoffs at all!
He HADN'T stopped Playoffs from coming just the SAME!
This Season for Billsfans had ended the same!
And the Gronk, with his Gronk-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came with bad losses! It came without wins!"
"It came without great plays, hard work, or discipline!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Gronk thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe football joy," he thought, "doesn't come from a win."
"Maybe Football...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
And what happened then? Well...in Buffville they say,
That the Gronk's awareness Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his mind didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning streets,
And he brought back the Buffalo joy! And food for the feast!
And he, HE himself! The Gronk spoke of the LOVE of the GAME!
Because at the end of the day, FOOTBALL fans are really the Same.
