The Onion goes after BB

[MoLewisrocks]

Reminds me of high school. During projects week in March, a group of us were taken to the Canadian border... given snow shoes, a sleeping bag, a tarp , a metal cup, 4 instant cup a soups, a knife and 12 matches. We trecked through 4 feet of snow to our individual locations and told to stay put for 4 days. It sucked...you became obsessed with keeping a fire going. On the last day, the teachers gathered each kid and together brought us to a small cabin in the middle of the woods. We walked in and there were 6 small cots in a cold, stark room. The teacher asks for volunteers to sleep outdoors because only a few could sleep inside. I didn't volunteer. Fu** no! The 8 "outdoor" volunteers then proceeded through a 2nd door...and unknown to any of us, there was a larger room with beds, stoves, food. The "stupid six", as we were renamed, were not allowed in the party zone.
For the next 4 days of hiking and camping, we volunteered for everything. "I need a guy to take off his boots and cross that partially frozen river". I'll do it. "I need a guy to climb that giant pine tree and put a flag on the top." I'll do it. We kept volunteering for these near impossible tasks. After 4 days and no rewards, we complained that we weren't being taken care of. The teacher confessed that he just wanted to see what level of stupidity we could achieve....He told us that we achieved the highest...so we got that going for us...which is nice

Awesome story...

 

[RxJock1120]

I don't care who y'ar, that's funny right thar!

Bill Belichick Drops Off Recent Draft Picks In Middle Of Nowhere, Tells Them To Find Way Back | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

"See Wes [Welker], here, the man with the honor of being my chauffeur? This resourceful bastard actually beat me home, so it's not like it can't be done."
PRICELESS

 

[patsfan-1982]

the onion dose some funny stuff but for me this one was conry

 

[borg]

Awesome story...

My memory is starting to return regarding this adventure. On the 7th day, we had to snow shoe up this mountain using a compass. The goal was to end up near the summit next to a tree with red paint on it. We took turns cutting through the snow and using the compass to maintain an exact route...tree to tree. So all we cared about was, which tree is the compass pointing at. At one point, I'm up front , approaching the next tree, when I end up face to face with a bull-moose, 10 feet away. Everyone stopped, we didn't move. Finally a kid yells out to the teacher, "what do we do". The teacher yells back, "chase it." Sure enough we started running at the creature, and luckily the moose started to run up the side of the bowl we had entered on the mountain. The sides were steep and the moose slipped and fell about 40 feet down the hill...and finally it ran away. Man, were we stupid...and this teacher was trying to kill us. But being dumb teenagers, we laughed our asses off.

 

[tajapandu]

i laughed out loud at "...and that one of the things he had just told them was a lie."

 

[SanAngeloState]

That is tooooo funny

I sent it to Darius Butler and asked him how long it took him to get back last year

some of you hoosiers have "brians"? What does that mean? Do you mean "brains" or is that the joke? I think I'm still confused.

 

[eagle eye]

You guys are not reading behind the lines though. The guy is a gifted writer but he is telling us that none of them are going to make it in his opinion, he is saying that he is not impressed with the draft class.

Everything he says about every player is said in a way the you can pick up as a weakness.

He is saying that Brandon Spikes won't be able to tackle like he did in college.

"I don't think we're in America(college)," said 62nd overall pick Brandon Spikes, tilting a canteen upside down in a failed attempt to get one last drop of water. "I've never seen lizards(players) that size in America(college). [Kade] Weston never had a chance(doesn't make it out of training camp)."

"As of press time(after TC), eight of the 12 draft picks remained alive."

 

[italia44]

the onion dose some funny stuff but for me this one was conry

.....btu,wse ti dyslectic?:bricks:

 

[Yfz01]

i laughed out loud at "...and that one of the things he had just told them was a lie."

That's hilarious, I missed that when I read it.

 

[ausbacker]

God The Onion really is funny.

 

[efin98]

My memory is starting to return regarding this adventure. On the 7th day, we had to snow shoe up this mountain using a compass. The goal was to end up near the summit next to a tree with red paint on it. We took turns cutting through the snow and using the compass to maintain an exact route...tree to tree. So all we cared about was, which tree is the compass pointing at. At one point, I'm up front , approaching the next tree, when I end up face to face with a bull-moose, 10 feet away. Everyone stopped, we didn't move. Finally a kid yells out to the teacher, "what do we do". The teacher yells back, "chase it." Sure enough we started running at the creature, and luckily the moose started to run up the side of the bowl we had entered on the mountain. The sides were steep and the moose slipped and fell about 40 feet down the hill...and finally it ran away. Man, were we stupid...and this teacher was trying to kill us. But being dumb teenagers, we laughed our asses off.

Please tell me that was for credit for some survival class and not some sadistic teacher's way of getting revenge for six months of hell from your classmates

Good story

 

[JoeSixPat]

Belichick can speak French... In Russian.

Belichick can drown a fish.

Belichick can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Belichick can hear sign language.

Belichick can make apple juice with oranges.

There are no automatic doors. Merely doors that have mistaken you for Belichick.

Once a cobra bit Belichick's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

A bulletproof vest wears Belichick for protection.

Belichick doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Belichick doesn't need a watch. He decides what time it is.

Belichick can read your lips while standing behind you.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Belichick can piss his name into concrete.

Belichick can kill two stones with one bird.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Belichick' PC will crash.

The saddest moment for a young New York Jets fan is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Belichick is.

 

[JoeSixPat]

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Belichick.

Belichick' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Belichick.

Belichick' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Belichick is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless it's Belichick's milk.

Jesus can walk on water, but Belichick can swim through dry land.

Belichick doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Belichick.

Superman wears Belichick pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Belichick once challanged Lance Armstring in a "Who has more testicles" contest. Belichick won... by five.

When Belichick crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Belichick counted to infinity. Twice.

The only time Belichick was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Belichick can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Belichick doesn't dial wrong phone numbers, people answer the wrong phone.

Belichick CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

Belichick can touch MC Hammer.

When Belichick runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Belichick ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Apple pays Belichick 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Belichick' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Belichick can slam a revolving door.

God wanted to create the world in 10 days. Belichick gave him 6.

It takes Belichick 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Belichick always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Belichick believes it's not butter.

Belichick destroyed the periodic table, because Belichick only recognizes the element of surprise.

Belichick is what Willis was talking about.

Belichick once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

The only thing better than Belichick is Belichick on TV, talking about Belichick.

Belichick can delete the Recycle Bin.

Belichick can gargle peanut butter.

Crop circles are just Belichick' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay the **** down.

Belichick doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

Belichick knows the last two digits of Pi

Belichick can tie his shoes with his feet.

Belichick does not know about this post. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

 

[Jakelithurdz]

Second-round pick Jermaine Cunningham, a promising outside linebacker, died Thursday of sunstroke

The players were further dispirited when they discovered a Patriots-hat-wearing skeleton buried just beneath the sand that turned out to be the remains of 2009 New England draft pick Rich Ohrnberger.

"You idiots, they're probably poisonous," Robinson said. "Or maybe they aren't poisonous, and he just wants us to think they're poisonous. Either way, this man is insane. He's trying to **** with us. This is a game to him. Everything's a game to him. Can't you see? This is all one big ******* game!"

With dehydration and hysteria setting in, Thomas Welch severely beat and nearly killed Zoltan Mesko with the butt end of the flashlight for eating the last sand cake, and Rob Gronkowski was muttering that he would murder anyone who even thought about stealing his "precious, precious diamonds."

Some highlights.....

 

[NovaScotiaPatsFan]

I never "got" the onion, I never figured out why otherwise seemlingly intelligent people find it funny. just one of those things I guess.

 

[12+81=TD]

some of you hoosiers have "brians"? What does that mean? Do you mean "brains" or is that the joke? I think I'm still confused.

Yes, and Yes. I mean brains...and it's a joke.:bricks: