Why did the chicken cross the road? ARLEN SPECTER: Whatever the reason, it can surely be up to no good. Only an independent investigation will get to the bottom of it. TONY DUNGY: We understand that shots were indeed fired at the chicken, but Marvin Harrison had nothing to do with the incident. We are praying for the chicken. BILL BELICHICK: Why does the chicken do anything? Thatâ€™s all in the past. The chicken is right now focusing on what is important, the next intersection, and it is likely the toughest one heâ€™s had to face yet. ROGER GOODELL: I have investigated the road crossing fully, including all the videotapes. I found nothing serious going on, so I destroyed the tapes. There was no reason to keep them. MATT WALSH: I helped that chicken cross the road. He never would have made it without the top secret operation that I executed flawlessly, as ordered by the people in charge. JOHN TOMASE: My unnamed sources tell me that, despite all evidence to he contrary, the chicken didnâ€™t really cross the road. All of the road-crossing honors that the chicken received are forever tainted. ESPN: The Patriots are clearly implicated in chicken road-crossing-gate! This is serious! Really! TOMMY HEINSOHN: I can't believe they are letting the chicken get away with that. They are not going to call a hard foul? They are not going to call a hard foul? Ridiculous! BILL WALTON: That was undoubtedly the greatest road crossing in the history of this Earth, clearly the stuff of which legends are made, which reminds me of a story that the great Red Auerbach once told Larry Bird and me ... BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE! JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road, even at 3 in the morning. But then, this really isn't about me....... DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. COLIN POWEL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road... DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken! COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information. DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, uphill both ways in blinding snow, and that was good enough for us. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together. BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^ A PROBLEM HAS BEEN DETECTED AND E-CHICKEN WILL NOW SHUT DOWN... ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?