- Joined
- Oct 16, 2007
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Below is the latest draft of the rewrite of the biography of Stokoe that will appear on the league's website. Editorial suggestions and corrections are welcome as it is still early in the drafting process.
Stokoe was born in a manger somewhere off the New Jersey turnpike, bathed in green light and swaddled in jets paraphernalia. As a youngster, he displayed a strong interest in prevarication, megalomania and abject cruelty. Nevertheless, Stokoe spent his high school years stuffed in a gym locker with a dirty athletic supporter pulled over his head and his Fruit of the Loom briefs pulled up to his armpits.
Stokoe attended a high profile Ivy League college (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) where he majored in Sophistry with a minor in Animal Husbandry (the latter making him very popular among certain loners, misfits and deviates who terrorized barnyard animals anywhere within a 10 mile radius of the idyllic/faux ivy league campus). Early influences include the Gestapo, Thurston Howell III, Richard Nixon and Weeb Ewbank. Stokoe has deeply felt Delusions of Adequacy, a trait which has enabled him to overcome severe deficits in cognitive reasoning and fundamental human empathy. He has a callous disregard for the truth and has no sense of right or wrong whatsoever.
His employment after an utterly unremarkable college career by the National Football League is a triumph of cronyism over common sense. His rapid ascension through the ranks to the ultimate role of Imperial Commissioner, Omnipotent Potentate and Ruling Despot for Life has been cited by modern business experts as one of the great enduring mysteries in the history of free enterprise. Stokoe either is or is not a lawyer depending on whatever suits his purposes at any given point in time.
Stokoe has an uncanny and instinctive ability to effortlessly turn matters of seeming insignificance into all-consuming catastrophes of epic proportions. He has parlayed this ability into a veritable cottage industry, enabling him to earn in excess of $40 million per year, making him the single highest paid person (including player and coaches) in NFL history. This has led some to question the much heralded business acumen of the fat, rich, self-entitled blowhards who make up the Billionaires Boys Club. (Ed. Note – not all of the owners are fat, especially the drug addicts for obvious reasons.) Some industry experts fear that replacing Stokoe would lead the owners to hire someone far stupider for significantly higher compensation, while others cannot imagine how this could be even remotely possible
Stokoe is a history buff who knows the words “Magna Carta” but has no earthly idea of their significance. He has an extensive Swedish film collection with a concentration in the “black & white/no sound/lots of animals” genre. Other hobbies include digging in the basement and breathing. Stokoe has actively advocated the enactment of laws requiring the death penalty for breastfeeding in public. His family requested that they not be acknowledged or otherwise identified in this document.
Stokoe was born in a manger somewhere off the New Jersey turnpike, bathed in green light and swaddled in jets paraphernalia. As a youngster, he displayed a strong interest in prevarication, megalomania and abject cruelty. Nevertheless, Stokoe spent his high school years stuffed in a gym locker with a dirty athletic supporter pulled over his head and his Fruit of the Loom briefs pulled up to his armpits.
Stokoe attended a high profile Ivy League college (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) where he majored in Sophistry with a minor in Animal Husbandry (the latter making him very popular among certain loners, misfits and deviates who terrorized barnyard animals anywhere within a 10 mile radius of the idyllic/faux ivy league campus). Early influences include the Gestapo, Thurston Howell III, Richard Nixon and Weeb Ewbank. Stokoe has deeply felt Delusions of Adequacy, a trait which has enabled him to overcome severe deficits in cognitive reasoning and fundamental human empathy. He has a callous disregard for the truth and has no sense of right or wrong whatsoever.
His employment after an utterly unremarkable college career by the National Football League is a triumph of cronyism over common sense. His rapid ascension through the ranks to the ultimate role of Imperial Commissioner, Omnipotent Potentate and Ruling Despot for Life has been cited by modern business experts as one of the great enduring mysteries in the history of free enterprise. Stokoe either is or is not a lawyer depending on whatever suits his purposes at any given point in time.
Stokoe has an uncanny and instinctive ability to effortlessly turn matters of seeming insignificance into all-consuming catastrophes of epic proportions. He has parlayed this ability into a veritable cottage industry, enabling him to earn in excess of $40 million per year, making him the single highest paid person (including player and coaches) in NFL history. This has led some to question the much heralded business acumen of the fat, rich, self-entitled blowhards who make up the Billionaires Boys Club. (Ed. Note – not all of the owners are fat, especially the drug addicts for obvious reasons.) Some industry experts fear that replacing Stokoe would lead the owners to hire someone far stupider for significantly higher compensation, while others cannot imagine how this could be even remotely possible
Stokoe is a history buff who knows the words “Magna Carta” but has no earthly idea of their significance. He has an extensive Swedish film collection with a concentration in the “black & white/no sound/lots of animals” genre. Other hobbies include digging in the basement and breathing. Stokoe has actively advocated the enactment of laws requiring the death penalty for breastfeeding in public. His family requested that they not be acknowledged or otherwise identified in this document.
