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"When I addressed the Media on May 6, after the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl - again - I reiterated that I unconditionally believed that the New England Patriots had done nothing inappropriate or in violation of the NFL rules and that I was disappointed in the way the league handled the initial investigation. That sentiment has not changed. I also conveyed my disappointment with the recent report regarding suspicions of equipment handling by lower-level team employees.
That report, as you recall, did not purport to produce actual evidence of wrongdoing on the part of Patriots team employees, added that this team's quarterback may have had a "general awareness" of the wrongdoing that could not be proven, and - even despite the retention of a scientific consultant which has previously "proven" that second-hand smoke is harmless - explicitly exonerated the only other Patriot suspected of wrongdoing, as well as and the team's head coach, the only member of the coaching staff suspected of wrongdoing.
Today, I would like to address the situation through Luther, my anger translator, but as this is a written response, I will be unable to avail myself of his services. Instead, I will momentarily descend to the League's level, and then, after regaining my composure, propose a solution that is fair to Patriots fans.
To wit:
- I now regard Roger Goodell as a grade-A certified f*towel.
- My team is better than the rest of the teams in what we'll generously call this "league." By comparison, they're pathetic weeping b1tches in nighties like the victim in some bad vampire movie. Goodell knows this. We know this.
- That's why he keeps cheating by stealing my draft picks. Yes, mine. I own this team. I pay for this team. The other 31 can suck my white-haired sac; the proper response to them is "win on the field or go home and tell your mammas how you tried real hard."
- Intuiting this appropriate response, the other 31 teams have decided to run to you, f*towel, and tell you how they tried real hard.
- Notwithstanding the above, you are not only a f*towel; you are also the widest-diameter d*nozzle on a d*nozzle firetruck. You are a bile-hydrant of a man, incapable of locating his sphincter with both hands and a flashlight. You have f*d my team yet again, in a deranged and feeble attempt to make up for your bumbling in addressing far more serious situations, and to enforce a notion of parity that is far too easily confused with its homonym, parody. Your Putinesque attempts to gangsta my rings are the only things that are transparent about you and your thug league office.
In my statement of May 6, I promised that the New England Patriots - apparently the sole remaining team with the self-respect to win or lose on the football field - would abide by whatever misguided and self-interested steps that the league would take, regardless of the fact that you make such decisions like a syphilitic old prostitute who has decided to treat his lesions with a ****tail of LSD and crystal meth. And I will remain true to my word, sacrificing the Patriots' first round pick in 2016, our fourth round pick in 2017, and - I am making my Dr. Evil face as I write this - one million dollars.
In fairness to Patriots' fans, however, today I am announcing that the finest franchise this millennium, the New England Patriots, hereby forfeits its 16 regular-season games this season. We don't much mind the difference between pick 32 and pick 33 in the draft, and the competitive balance of your league has been seriously compromised by your repeated efforts on behalf of your own franchise - they of the $100,000 fine for tampering - and against the New England Patriots. This is not to mention your attempts to coddle wife-beaters if it's good for gate.
However, we are happy to play exhibition games against each and every one of our scheduled 2015 opponents, whether home or away. The revenue from said games, when they are played in Foxborough, will not be forwarded to the league. As these are exhibition games, we will make our own arrangements with any network or local station that chooses to cover them. The NFL's contractual arrangement to offer games that have been forfeited is between the league and these media outlets; I would recommend that the league offer them non-forfeited games to carry.
It is not the concern of the New England Patriots this season who wins the Super Bowl. We intend to show by our play on the football field that we are better than any such team. And if we do not happen to have a scheduled exhibition game against the eventual Super Bowl "champion" - if it can be accomplished through the present CBA - the New England Patriots are happy to play them, and beat them, at a neutral site.
It won't be an NFL championship. It will be an exhibition game. But perhaps, after some years have passed, we can retroactively declare this exhibition game a championship some years later, as was accomplished the last time the Jets won a game of similar import.
The New England Patriots look forward to a perfect forfeited season.
That report, as you recall, did not purport to produce actual evidence of wrongdoing on the part of Patriots team employees, added that this team's quarterback may have had a "general awareness" of the wrongdoing that could not be proven, and - even despite the retention of a scientific consultant which has previously "proven" that second-hand smoke is harmless - explicitly exonerated the only other Patriot suspected of wrongdoing, as well as and the team's head coach, the only member of the coaching staff suspected of wrongdoing.
Today, I would like to address the situation through Luther, my anger translator, but as this is a written response, I will be unable to avail myself of his services. Instead, I will momentarily descend to the League's level, and then, after regaining my composure, propose a solution that is fair to Patriots fans.
To wit:
- I now regard Roger Goodell as a grade-A certified f*towel.
- My team is better than the rest of the teams in what we'll generously call this "league." By comparison, they're pathetic weeping b1tches in nighties like the victim in some bad vampire movie. Goodell knows this. We know this.
- That's why he keeps cheating by stealing my draft picks. Yes, mine. I own this team. I pay for this team. The other 31 can suck my white-haired sac; the proper response to them is "win on the field or go home and tell your mammas how you tried real hard."
- Intuiting this appropriate response, the other 31 teams have decided to run to you, f*towel, and tell you how they tried real hard.
- Notwithstanding the above, you are not only a f*towel; you are also the widest-diameter d*nozzle on a d*nozzle firetruck. You are a bile-hydrant of a man, incapable of locating his sphincter with both hands and a flashlight. You have f*d my team yet again, in a deranged and feeble attempt to make up for your bumbling in addressing far more serious situations, and to enforce a notion of parity that is far too easily confused with its homonym, parody. Your Putinesque attempts to gangsta my rings are the only things that are transparent about you and your thug league office.
In my statement of May 6, I promised that the New England Patriots - apparently the sole remaining team with the self-respect to win or lose on the football field - would abide by whatever misguided and self-interested steps that the league would take, regardless of the fact that you make such decisions like a syphilitic old prostitute who has decided to treat his lesions with a ****tail of LSD and crystal meth. And I will remain true to my word, sacrificing the Patriots' first round pick in 2016, our fourth round pick in 2017, and - I am making my Dr. Evil face as I write this - one million dollars.
In fairness to Patriots' fans, however, today I am announcing that the finest franchise this millennium, the New England Patriots, hereby forfeits its 16 regular-season games this season. We don't much mind the difference between pick 32 and pick 33 in the draft, and the competitive balance of your league has been seriously compromised by your repeated efforts on behalf of your own franchise - they of the $100,000 fine for tampering - and against the New England Patriots. This is not to mention your attempts to coddle wife-beaters if it's good for gate.
However, we are happy to play exhibition games against each and every one of our scheduled 2015 opponents, whether home or away. The revenue from said games, when they are played in Foxborough, will not be forwarded to the league. As these are exhibition games, we will make our own arrangements with any network or local station that chooses to cover them. The NFL's contractual arrangement to offer games that have been forfeited is between the league and these media outlets; I would recommend that the league offer them non-forfeited games to carry.
It is not the concern of the New England Patriots this season who wins the Super Bowl. We intend to show by our play on the football field that we are better than any such team. And if we do not happen to have a scheduled exhibition game against the eventual Super Bowl "champion" - if it can be accomplished through the present CBA - the New England Patriots are happy to play them, and beat them, at a neutral site.
It won't be an NFL championship. It will be an exhibition game. But perhaps, after some years have passed, we can retroactively declare this exhibition game a championship some years later, as was accomplished the last time the Jets won a game of similar import.
The New England Patriots look forward to a perfect forfeited season.
