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Annual Draftnik Rolling Recap, 2014 Edition

Discussion in 'Patriots Draft Talk' started by PatsFanInVa, May 9, 2014.

  1. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Welcome, Pats fans and draft fans, to PatsFanInVa’s annual draftnik rolling recap, an occasionally informative and even more occasionally entertaining parodic look at the year’s draft from a draftnik point of view. Who is a draftnik? If you hear “Kuiper Belt” on the science channel and turn up the sound because it might be Mel Kiper, you might be a draftnik. If you still cringe at the names Eugene Chung, Hart Lee Dykes, and especially Chris Canty – because we got the bad one – you might be a draftnik. If you ever shouted “He’s not even the best Kenyatta in the draft!” you might be a draftnik. If your pastor said Jesus was mocked, and you said “what round did he go in?” you might be a draftnik.

    And crucially, if you believe that the stack of overpriced draft guides you picked up at CVS when you were filling your mom’s Gardacil prescription combined with an NFL Network Jones worse than Kenyatta make you better at this than the combined brainpower of Bill Belichick and his minions, you are definitely a draftnik.

    So now that you know whom I’m speaking for, sit back, relax, shout back at your mom “I’ll be up in a minute,” and enjoy your 2014 rolling draftnik recap!

    Round 1, pick 29: Dominique Easley, DT, Florida. 6’2”, 288. With Big Vince Wilfork and Tommy Kelly both lost to injury during the 2013 season, it only makes sense to shore up the defensive front with fresh legs. In Easley’s case, fresh injured legs. He’s still a self-reported “80% back” from his second ACL tear, but by September will have a full year of rehab under his unimpressive belt, and will be ready for another injury.

    We should have drafted Jadeveon Clowney instead. I spent a week on an email to Bill Belichick explaining how to do it, using draft value charts, known facts about why Houston would want to take less than the pick was worth, the rest of this draft and half of the next, and Ryan Mallett. Once again, Bill made the mistake of not heeding my advice.

    Easley’s billed as the next-best thing, an explosive, disruptive tackle who’s just as comfortable playing defensive end. He’s got a first step faster than any offensive lineman’s, and they know when the snap’s coming. Also, he’s got a step before that. By the first step of a quarterback’s drop he’s already given an O-lineman three titty twisters and a purple nurple, and he’ll likely be in the backfield by the third. Double-team him on a run play, and that just means he’ll drive a guard and a center (or tackle) into the ball-carrier. The quickest 288 pounds you’ll ever see, when healthy.

    Which is never. And did I mention he’s got the wingspan of a half-grown T-Rex? That never mattered in the college ranks, when he took up permanent residence in his opponents’ backfields. But I’ve seen an infographic on how undersized he is, and have decided this will be the death of his pro career. Pats draftnik grade: C.

    Round 2, pick 62: Jimmy Garoppolo, QB, Eastern Illinois. 6’2”, 226. I couldn’t hear myself preemptively booing this pick over the JEST fans booing Willy McGinest. I did love that he got snarky with them, but my delight was short-lived once the pick was announced. Then I figured out why I was booing preemptively, and here it is.

    Precognition is contagious. First we pick a guy who knows about the snap before the center who snapped the ball, then we got the guy who releases the ball before his arm is back. And sideways, at that. So it’s just natural that I knew this pick would suck before it was made.

    Let’s start with the three-quarters delivery. Tom Brady doesn’t throw side-arm. Hell, Drew Bledsoe didn’t throw side-arm. You know who throws side-arm? Philip “Crimea” Rivers. (And if you’re sick of the name jokes just be glad we didn’t move up to pick Ha ha Clinton Dix, whose name will therefore be mercifully relegated to the political forum.) And that’s the upside.

    The downside is Tim Tebow. And I didn’t like that movie the first time I saw it.

    So naturally he learned to get the ball out lightning-fast, because people kept slapping it down. He got good at it, he impressed the credulous New England Patriots scouting staff (which by the way, is the worst scouting staff in the league except for everybody else’s,) he set a few records, blah blah blah. Then he lit up the Senior Bowl for 6 of 12 and 32 yards.

    See, that’s because Jimmy Garoppolo, your New England Patriots quarterback of the future, played for Eastern Illinois University. So he never got to play against the only guy faster than his release, even when said guy was healthy, because that guy played for Florida. He did get to play against the Gamecocks every year. Not the marginally relevant South Carolina Gamecocks, mind you, the Jacksonville State Gamecocks. He also got to battle it out with the Huskies (Northern Illinois,) the Salukis (Southern Illinois,) and both the Redhawks and the Skyhawks, and who the hell cares where they’re from. None of them were any good. It’s the Ohio Valley Conference, for the love of God.

    So, he got away with a delivery that would make a Japanese pitching coach nervous. But he makes up for it with his athleticism and escapability. Feels pressure well, regardless of whether it’s there. Makes great decisions, throws receivers open, which will be great once we have some receivers again.

    Overall, it looks like the Pats have seen the future… sideways. Quick release, quick reads, and feet so pretty Rex Ryan is offering the JESTs’ 2015 second rounder for a JPEG. Pats draftnik grade: B-.

    Edits in progress nightly.
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    Last edited: May 9, 2014
  2. The Boomer

    The Boomer Rookie

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    #12 Jersey

    There are few of us Pats fans in VA. I've identified a possible perfect pick #105 binky to add to your rolling recap tomorrow. He only needs to last for 5 more picks. He certainly wouldn't be a reach at least as ranked by CBS. He fills a definite team need at SS but is versatile enough to play elsewhere in the secondary. OK Good size for the position and decent measurable athleticism at the combine. I assume he has been thoroughly vetted, scouted and physically tested by his big brother for purposes of this nepotism selection:

    http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/draft/players/1737766/brock-vereen

    Brock Vereen looks like a Patriots fit with the next pick.
  3. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Oh yeah - I share your binkyism based on nepotism and Ben Vereen bloodline jokes...
  4. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    ...continued...

    Round 3, pick 93: Round 4, pick 105 and Round 6, pick 179. It wouldn’t be a draft without a trade-down. More scattershot nonsense from a team convinced that when you’re trying to roll boxcars, it’s a good idea to have more rolls of the dice. If that worked we’d be better than we are. I’m not just a draftnik, I’m a Pats fan. Let’s face it, we haven’t won the super bowl in 10 years. And don’t give me that perennial division winner, 2 AFC championships, however many championship game appearances excuse. Swear to God, if Bill just read my emails about when the Steelers got Palamalou or where the Ravens got Ray Rice, you’d think he could just pick guys like that at the proper time. But here he is again, trying to get another roll of quarters to pump into random slot machines, instead of studying the slot machines that hit before.

    Round 4, pick 105: Bryan Stork, C, Florida State. 6’4”, 315. With my man’s binky, Brock Vereen, still on the board, the Pats go for another dwarf-armed prospect, center Bryan Stork of Florida State. I’m 5’10 and I wear a 34/35 – Stork? 32/33. But never fear: if our players can’t reach, our scouting staff can. I’m sure they’re patting themselves on the back for taking him the 4th instead of the 3rd when nobody else had them on their board until the 6th or 7th.

    Stork’s another versatile, smart guy, capable of playing center or guard, provided you never need to run block. He also fills the crying need at Gingerbeard Man we’ve had since Matt Light hung up the cleats. But he’s got a big body to go with those short arms, something Ryan Wendell could have used while being trampled by more Broncos in the AFCCG than Logan Mankins was in his rodeo days.

    He was named the winner of the Rimington Award for the center with the best guards playing next to him last year, but given the somewhat sub-Hannahesque stature of starting guard Dan Connolly (yeah I know he’s a right guard but work with me,) he’s not likely to bust into the starting lineup anytime soon. Tom Brady’s hands will continue to explore the familiar taint of Ryan Wendell while Stork takes ballet classes or something and learns to move his plodding feet and develop at least as much motion in his hips as my uncle in Sunrise Estates. But be careful, Bryan – Medicare won’t pay to replace yours. Pats draftnik grade: D-

    Round 4, pick 130, right before Brock Vereen went to the Bears: James White, RB, Wisconsin. 5’9”, 204. Low mileage on his tread, mainly because he spent so much time with his left knee torn at the meniscus or sprained at the MCL. Finishes runs, probably after 3 yards in the pros rather than the 6.4 yards he racked up once he got the chance in college.

    But he’s got kevin-faulk-like abilities, which are cousins to Marshall-Faulk-like abilities, out of the backfield. He’s also a distant cousin to Sinorice an Santana Moss, according to NFL.com, and I believe that makes him as related to Randy Moss as Barack Obama is to George Washington. So, bloodlines, right?

    He brings blocking, catching, and running skills, and would have a good shot at sticking around even if he didn’t make the runningback committee, due to his return-game value. He can be a three-down back, but when’s the last time the Pats used a back in three straight downs? It’s a passing game these days, and runningbacks have taken a serious dive this draft. For the Pats of the future, however, it will be useful to have a soft-handed receiver out of the backfield especially in the screen game, where it’s harder to bat down Jimmy Garoppolo’s sidearm throws. Oh, and did I mention he has really short arms? Pats draftnik grade: C+

    Round 4, pick 140 (compensatory): Cameron Fleming, Stanford, OT, 6’5#, 323. I know there’s a theory in Foxboro that linemen need to be smart, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to play offensive tackle. So naturally, we picked one – Fleming’s an astronautics/aeronautics major. In retrospect I don’t know what took us so long. Maybe we don’t trust the program at Embry-Riddle. Have not decided whether to nickname him “James” Cameron Fleming or Cameron “Ian” Fleming. You know, the scifi thing.

    In any event, he’s big and strong and smart, and played in a pro-style offense (rather than the amateur-style offense we seem bent on developing.) He’s also a work in progress, sort of like the O-line version of that mission to Mars we keep hearing about. But his arms are as long as mine, so I’m good. Pats draftnik grade: B.

    Round 5, pick 169: Isaac Sopoaga, NT, Free Agent. Don’t ask.

    Round 6, pick 179: Jon Halapio, OG, SMU. 6’3”, 123. The worst of a batch of guys we started picking up who are billed as suited to a slide-protection scheme. I thought you built slide-protection into gap blocking schemes/zone blocking schemes, but apparently it’s its own kind of scheme now. Shows what I know. So this guy is heavy, uncoordinated, and without any discernible value after the first punch. And those are his strengths. Notable for a vertical jump of 21 inches at the combine, also referred to as a mid-air leg-bend. Plays hurt, which is a good thing, because that’s how he usually has to play. Maybe not such a good thing. If Halapio is the best we have left at the position, I’m thinking it’s time to move on to Sarcastiball. Pats draftnik grade, D-, being generous because it’s round 6.

    Round 6, pick 198: Zach Moore, DE, Concordia. 6’5”, 259. Look I can't do this. I worked half a day, the site went down, and I don't have Easley's motor. On the other hand, I did work on a Saturday, which is more than he could say last year. Pats draftnik grade, incomplete.

    Round 6, pick 206: Jemea Thomas, CB, 5’9”, 192. Okay okay I can do this. Another short corner? Pats draftnik grade, F.

    Round 7, I don't know, somebody else picked the gay guy, we picked some other guy, whatever. I needed a nap. Even the JEST fans were too tired to boo. Pats draftnik grade: F. This.

    And this lazily concludes the 2014 edition of the Pats draftnik rolling recap. If you liked it, if you hated it, if you read it, please feel free to respond.
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  5. mgteich

    mgteich PatsFans.com Veteran PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Probably the worst analysis of the last week

    We needed a center. We drafted the best college center in the country in the 4th, although Richburg, Martin and Swanson were judged to be better pro prospects. Of course, they were all long gone. The question was whether to draft Bodine or Stork; we chose Stork; Bodine was picked a few picks later.

    I suggest you are whining because Belichick didn't draft your binkie instead of a center.

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    Last edited: May 11, 2014
  6. Off The Grid

    Off The Grid On the Roster

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    #3 Jersey

    You might want to actually read the OP, Bro!! [​IMG]
  7. AzPatsFan

    AzPatsFan Rookie

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    The Docs prescribed the meds for you. But you have to actually take them to relieve your psychosis...
  8. Off The Grid

    Off The Grid On the Roster

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    Do either'f you Donkeys ever read before you post?? [​IMG]
  9. Off The Grid

    Off The Grid On the Roster

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    This was the very first sentence in the entire Thread, boys!! [​IMG]
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  10. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    thank you brother OTG for picking up the pearls, coating them in corn mash, and casting them back before the swine again...In all seriousness, thanks for reading either way Az and Mg. It's meant to put the "mock" back into the real draft, pun intended. That is to say, sposeta be funny.
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  11. zydecochris

    zydecochris Rookie

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    Thanks PatsFanInVa for a nice intentional parodic review of the draft.

    However, for even funnier, unintentional parodic review of the draft, I suggest ESPN, particularly Mel Kiper. Ahhhh, the amazing degree of seriousness with which he takes himself, the complete lack of self-awareness, particularly about how ridiculous it is for him to be handing out draft grades and ranking NSF front personnel that, you know, actually have NFL personnel jobs.

    On a very related note, he has graded New England's draft 29th out of 32, ahead of only Carolina, Buffalo, and Indianapolis. I bet this has led to panic in the Patriot organization, doubtlessly BB is having to explain himself to Mr. Kraft as we speak. ;)

    I know that plenty of us like to criticize BB's draft (including me), but I think that most of us are just "fussing". Plus, its lots of fun to talk about the draft with a bit of a sense of humor (like you and the wonderful OTG), read draft magazines and visit draft sites and so forth (I enjoy it so much that I am ashamed to say that I actually visit ESPN.com frequently). Surely there are only a very few that in all seriousness deep down really think they know how to run a football organization better than BB, right? ….I can only think of 3-4 of the frequent posters, but I welcome correction on this issue :cool:
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    Last edited: May 11, 2014
  12. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Some of those frequent posters won't fit the 4-3 frequent poster look we're showing more and more often. The position of "No!" Tackle, in particular, seems to be in transition :)

    Thanks for the kind words. Oh noes, Mel Kiper doubts our war room! Maybe his doctor gave him some bad news and he doesn't plan to have to explain himself.

    Conventional wisdom is grade everybody else, then say "we don't know what the Patriots are up to, but they're up to something," and give them a B if you don't like the picks LOL.
  13. NormZauchin

    NormZauchin PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    From another Pats fan in VA, great fun, very clever, and pretty much captured the collective opinion of Belichick's efforts by posters on the big board. By the way, with the drafting of Fleming adding to Matt Patricia, who has an aeronautical engineering degree from RPI, I believe Belichick is planning an early September launch of the Spygate satellite, which will transmit real time photos of opponents' signals throughout the 2014 season.
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  14. patchick

    patchick Moderatrix Staff Member PatsFans.com Supporter

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    #11 Jersey

    Dude, you are SO missing the boat on Zach Moore! He was the draft board's 3rd favorite late-round-DE-from-a-school-we-didn't-previously-know-existed, after the guy who got drafted in round 7 and the guy who turned out to be a tight end (not that there's anything wrong with that). And his arms: long. Longer than the bathroom lines at Gillette. Longer than the wait since the last Lombardi. The Jets' wait. That long.
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  15. PatsFanInVa

    PatsFanInVa PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Norm, how I missed that is beyond me. It's a matter of time and bandwidth at this point...

    Patchick... so what you're saying is don't sleep on Zach Moore....thank you for catching that (God knows we need somebody who can catch something in connection with this team).

    Good to hear regarding Zach's arms - that should give Janeane Garofalo or whatever the hell his name is a tall downfield target for side-launched rainbows of hope. My theory on what will forever be called the unilateral disarmament draft, blending my draftnik and BB homer personae: Being the genius he is, BB knows that there is a huge change coming to how holding is enforced on line play/pass rush plays. He has decided that the archetype of the future at those positions may have to come from in utero infusions of discontinued drugs. Clearly we want White for his blocking abilities.

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