Tom Brady Sustains, Dishes Some Big Hits on Netflix Roast Special
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Some notes from last night’s special on Netflix:
Former New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady agreed to be part of The Roast of Tom Brady Sunday night, with the future Hall of Fame quarterback sustaining some unbelievable hits during the Netflix special.
Host Kevin Hart said Sunday night, “Before you can get comfortable, you’ve got to get uncomfortable,” and he certainly wasn’t kidding.
The show opened up with Bill Belichick standing in front of Drew Bledsoe, with the coach speaking to his former quarterback.
“It’s great seeing you again,” said Belichick. “This is a big night. The fans want you. Everyone wants you. But it’s not your night. Sorry, Drew.”
Belichick then turned to Brady. “Brady,” yelled Belichick.
“Yeah, coach?” he replied as he stepped into the frame.
“You’re in,” said Belichick. “Let’s go.”
The two then walked off, leaving Bledsoe standing there by himself.
“Are you f*****g kidding me?” said Bledsoe. “Again?”
Kevin Hart, who hosted the special, then opened things up, wasting no time taking shots at Brady.
“We’re here to roast the greatest quarterback of all time. Wait, Joe Montana’s here?” said Hart. “If it’s not Joe Montana, then it should be worded differently. If it’s Tom Brady, we should say, ‘We’re talking about one of the greatest to do it.’ The greatest is Joe Montana.”
Things got a little tougher the longer Hart went, with the comedian kicking things up a bit.
“Gisele said, you retire, or we’re done,” said Hart. “Let me tell you something. When you’ve got a chance to 8-9, and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you’ve got to do what the f**k you’ve got to do.”
He then added, “Gisele is actually here supporting you tonight, but just in full transparency, she came as Antonio Brown’s plus one.”
Brady then took a drink, clearly knowing what he was about to be in for.
“Before you can get comfortable, you’ve got to get uncomfortable. I’m removing the discomfort from this room.
Bledsoe was clearly a good sport Sunday night, with the former #1 pick taking the stage as the first former teammate to take some shots at Brady to kick things off.
Bledsoe walked to the podium, wine glass in hand, pulling up the collar of his shirt as he settled in and got started.
“This is a pretty cool stage up here, this reminds me of the first round of the draft,” quipped Bledsoe. “You remember, Randy? [motions to Randy Moss]. Pretty cool, right?”
The former QB then joked about his relationship with Brady.
“A lot of people just assume that I have a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady. Well, I’m here to tell you tonight, in front of millions of people, that you’re correct, I f****n hate him.”
Bledsoe also got in a jab at his former coach.
“There was a rumor that coach Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. Hey, look, at least when I got fired, someone else wanted me,” joked Bledsoe, referring to Belichick. Bledsoe then turned around to look behind him. “I was worried he was behind me,” he joked.
The former teammate then threw in another funny barb.
“I’m really glad you enjoyed all this amazing success with the team that I built. Super f****n happy for you, bud,” said Bledsoe, taking a sip from his glass as he rolled his eyes.
“You know, when most people lose their jobs, they start drinking,” said Bledsoe. “I started a winery. It’s called Doubleback. It’s named after what Tom does every time he walks past a mirror.”
Bledsoe then smiled and said, “You know you do that too.”
“My favorite wine is our world-class cabernet,” he continued. “Tom’s favorite wine is, ‘Where’s the flag?'”
Bledsoe then got in another good jab. “You’ve got more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple of things you’ll never experience,” said Bledsoe. “The feeling of being the number one overall draft pick in the NFL, and a 28th wedding anniversary, it was yesterday,” he said, smiling. “That actually was yesterday. Love you, baby,” he added as he raised his glass.
Bledsoe then went on to joke that Brady didn’t shower with the team and made fun of the yellow jeep the then-rookie drove.
Brady said something and Bledsoe dismissed it, “don’t make excuses, dude, it was a yellow f*****g jeep,” he said.
He then set up his final joke of the evening. “I am not standing here right now saying that Tom Brady is gay, I’m not,” said Bledsoe. “I’m not saying that. But he sure did f*** me.”
That brought a fair amount of laughter from the crowd. However, Bledsoe closed things out with a solid ending.
“I’ve told you before and I will tell you now in front of millions of people. I’m incredibly proud of all that you’ve accomplished but I’m far more proud of how you’ve done it,” he said. “You’ve always been a man of true character and I know you’re going to continue to do great things in the world and I love you.’
Then he got in one more.
“Now, will you please stay f*****g retired? We are sick of this s**t,” he said.
Well played, Drew.
Belichick, who was introduced by actor Will Farrell dressed as Ron Burgandy, took the stage to the backdrop of some sinister music, drawing a standing ovation from the crowd on hand as he walked up to the podium.
The former coach, dressed in a light blue sportcoat, was all smiles as he fixed the microphone, as he normally did here in New England.
He opened things up saying, “Ron Burgandy, the only member of the media I respect.”
Belichick, smiled, saying, “The fellas invited me up here to lighten up the mood a little bit tonight.”
While some had wondered if Belichick would ever talk about The Dynasty series on Apple TV, he took advantage of his opportunity Sunday night to fire back.
“I’m so honored to be here for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix,” said Belichick. “That’s not to be confused with the roast of Bill Belichick on the ten-part Apple TV series.”
He then went right at Brady.
“A lot of mean things being said about Tom tonight,” said Belichick. “Wonder why they invited me. Really Tom, why are all these people so hard to you, do you miss me?”
He had a few additional funny moments. Telling host Kevin Hart, “Whenever Kevin [Hart] talks, I go into a cover two defense,” he said. “I cover both ears.”
He also threw a barb at his former tight end. “Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday and I’m begging you, stop doing your job,” he said. “Do another job. Do somebody else’s job.”
Belichick then referenced a commercial Gronkowski did for what Belichick called, “some of his favorite foods,” including “Dunkin Donuts, Cambells soup, and Tide Pods. “100% true story, I used Rob’s Tide Pod commercial to teach our team, “This is when you say no,” he said. “Just because someone asks you to do something stupid, you don’t have to do it. Say, no.”
He then embarked on his next bit, which drew a funny reaction from the crowd.
“A lot of you don’t know this, but I really have a big heart,” he began, which caused some laughs from the audience. “Come on, man,” he said, trying to continue his bit as people laughed.
“I rescued a dog from a shelter, and I rescued Randy from the Raiders,” he continued. “Listen, Randy, I’m really sorry you didn’t get a ring. Not sorry enough to give you one of mine. But I’m still really sorry.”
Belichick added in a nice bit for Rodney Harrison. He called Harrison, “One of the greatest players I’ve ever coached. Great person, great competitor. He’s not in the Hall of Fame. To me, that might be the biggest joke of the night.”
Later on, he went back at Brady.
“I see your soccer team, Birmingham City, got knocked down another tier in the English Football League,” said Belichick. “To those not familiar with English Football and the intricacies to their obscure regulation system, just let me say, I’ll put it in English for you, they suck.”
“Not so easy running a team, is it Tom?” Quipped Belichick – as Tom asked ,” you want to coach them?”
However, one notable remark was one that it was surprising that Belichick – if he signed off on this script ahead of the appearance – was surprising.
“People have said that Tom and I have butted heads a lot, and in a way, that was true, but not really,” said Belichick. “It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”
That led to a lot of surprised reactions.
He closed things out with another big one, with a backhanded way of essentially defending himself after all the talk the last two years.
“For all of you out there that think about who’s responsible for the Patriots’ success during the time Tom and I were there,” said Belichick. “Was it Brady? Was it me? Was it Brady? Was it me? In reality, the truth of the matter is, it was both of us … because of me.”
By the time Tom Brady took the stage, he was clearly ready to go. “I’ve had a lot of tequila,” he said. “I’ve been up here for two hours listening to s****y jokes.”
He then tossed a playful barb at Peyton Manning, who introduced him but left the stage as Brady took the podium.
“Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this,” said Brady. “I know sometimes you live in Denver, and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow.”
“Peyton and I go way back,” said Brady. “When we started playing, Brett Favre was still faxing his d**k picks, and Anotonio Cramarte only had one kid.”
The barbs just kept coming. Brady joked about how he was going to save the final minutes of the evening, and he wasted no time taking some shots.
“The word hero comes to mind. But I struggle with that word,” said Brady. “Because, like the rest of America, I’ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001 when, tragically, those two jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe.”
The camera panned to Bledsoe, who laughed and put his head to his hand as his former teammate continued.
“Jeff Ross, I want to thank you for talking me into doing this. Another thing that I’m great at. Who knew?” said Brady. “Oh yeah, I did. Because I’m about to replace you as the greatest roaster of all time. So hit the bench, Jeff. Tonight, you’re Jew Bledsoe.”
That elicited some laughs from Ross, who was rough on Brady to begin the night. From there, it was on to Gronkowski.
“Professor Gronkowksi. My boy. Thank you for being here,” said Brady. “Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although, the bar for Patriots tight ends was actually pretty low back then. Block, catch, don’t murder.”
Brady also went after Julian Edelman.
“If you’re Tom Brady, you’re not only feared, you’re envied. People want to be you, right Julian?” said Brady. “Bro, you can live in my guest house, swim in my pool, try on my f******g jock or any other sick s**t you do when I’m not around. You’re a f****n stalker bro. You’ll never be me, ever. Ever. No, you can date a model, or four, steal my cologne, actively lobby to get Peyton Manning removed from the Hall of Fame, but you’ll never be me.”
He also went back again at Bledsoe.
“Even if I take their job while lying in a f*****n hospital bed coughing up blood, they all get rings when they play with Tom Brady, right Drew?”
“Unless you’re Randy Moss,” added Brady.
Kim Kardashian, who Brady was rumored at one point to be linked to, was the one person who appeared to weaken Brady after his joke about her.
“I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad,” said Brady. Kim then smiled and tilted her head looking at him, and Brady put his hand to his head and clearly wasn’t comfortable with that one.
He also finally went after Roger Goodell.
“We’ve got so many football greats tonight, but where’s Roger Goodell?”
“Remember DeflateGate? The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was ‘more probable than not,’ that I was, ‘generally aware’ that someone may have deflated my footballs?” said Brady. “You could have just given me the $20 million, and I would have just told you I f*****g did it.”
Brady then threw in a couple of fun jabs.
“I don’t want to get the NFL too upset,” he said. “I’m trying to buy a piece of the Raiders. I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.”
Then, Brady decided to throw out his own uncomfortable bit about his former coach.
“And now, for the real reason you all are here, Coach Bill Belichick. Everyone asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say, the next one. But now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6am a few months ago. Hey, you’ve still got it. Respect, Baby.”
“You know we’ve been through so much. And after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along, it was you. You’re the reason for the Patriots’ dynasty. Because you, Bill Belichick, you are a true coaching genius. I mean, you had to choose between an aging, injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe and a young, healthy, minimum-wage superstar. I could have gotten a f*****g coach from Foxboro f******g High School to make that decision. Run it again, Belichick.”
He then added a couple of real zingers.
“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious: How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left?”
“Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sideline. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver, hey, who gassed up your car?”
It was an interesting night, to say the least, and one that should certainly generate some conversation. For now, the next time people will likely hear from him will be in the fall when he begins his next phase as an analyst with Fox Sports.
Addional Brady Barbs: “Buffalo fans call themselves the Bills Mafia. How are you the f*****g mafia? At least the mafia has a ring you can kiss.” … “And while we’re at it, screw Colts fans. Colts are just Broncos that don’t F**k.” … “Kansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest? It helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls.” … “And in honor of Tay Tay, let’s take a look at the Chiefs’ eras. Terrible for 50 years, good for 5. Shake it off.” … “Philly fans are just racist a*****s. But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it. Yeah, f**k you Kevin.” … “In Philly, they have to grease up the light poles so people don’t climb them after games. You know how they grease up those poles? They rub someone from Philadelphia on them.” … “And Giants fans, f**k Eli and f**k you. Twice.” … Robert Kraft appeared at the event and the roast started off with Jeff Ross taking some shots, including referencing Kraft and the alleged message parlor incident in Florida. That was the lone time Brady intervened, saying, “Don’t say that s**t again.” … Kraft spoke during the event, telling Belichick he looked ” debonair in sleeves.” He told Brady, “Good luck buying the Raiders,” said Kraft. “They did your favorite thing already, they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo.” … Kevin Hart did manage to get Kraft, Brady, and Belichick to do a shot together, trying to bury the hatchet between the three. Kraft called working with the two, “the greatest honor the good Lord gave me.” … Kraft also made a bold statement that will likely garner some headlines, telling Russian Leader Vladimir Putin, “Vladimir Putin, if you’re watching, give me my f–ng ring back.” … There were some uncomfortable moments, including frequent references to Aaron Hernandez’s death. Edelman had one of those cringe-worthy moments. When talking about the size of Gronk’s penis, Edelman added, “This other tight end, now he was hung.” Hernandez died in prison after committing suicide by hanging, so it seemed a little over the top. … Ben Affleck said to Brady, “This is pretty f*****g ballsy. Is life too good?” … Brady had a fair amount of former teammates at the event, with Drew Bledsoe, Randy Moss, Julian Edelman, and Rob Gronkowski there to deliver some jokes at his expense. Also among those on hand were Rodney Harrison, Willie McGinest, Danny Amendola, Matt Light, Lonie Paxton, Nate Solder, and Dan Koppen, with those players sitting behind that first group to take in the evening with Brady. … Others who were spotted there were Brady’s trainer Alex Guerrero, along with 49ers head coach Kyle Shannahan, Chargers coach Jim Harbaugh, UFC President Dana White, and comedian Jim Gaffigan. A couple of surprising faces were Patriots PR man Stacey James, former Patriots offensive coordinator Bill O’Brien, and former long-time Patriots director of football Berj Najarian.
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