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Ho Ho Ho! Wasn't that fun! Sunday night, Tom Brady and the ramshackle Patriot defense dropped The Hammer on the loudmouth jets, sending them squealing back into the New York sewer system like the despicable vermin they are. Many around here worried that the 2011 season was circling ever faster in the bottom of the commode. But, as Elvis Costello once sang: "...don't bury me, cause I'm not dead yet..." In the NFL, sometimes a week can make a huge difference.
Like most of you, I was hoping for the best while expecting the worst. With no Chung, and the early loss of McCourty, it looked like the Patriots were in for a very long night indeed. Instead, what we got was a clutch, tough, courageous effort, reminiscent of the good old days of Hank Poteat and Earthwind Moreland (or was that Earthland Morewind). With that in mind, let's venture forth with this week's garbled and tortured musings about This and That.
1. I'm pretty sure the Patriots had to wear name tags while introducing themselves to each other during their brief post game celebration last night.
2. Great night for Andre Carter who showed up post game as a real gentleman and very impressive guy.
3. Sunday night's officiating crew had to jump through a number of flaming hoops to simultaneously reverse the Gronk TD and nullify the penalty committed on Branch. Small detail, but it seemed to me that the assistance rendered by the jet DB in helping Gronk find his way out of bounds in the first place may well have been of dubious legality itself, a matter that was conveniently overlooked by the Head Zebra amidst all of the other rather complicated machinations.
4. Meanwhile, across the field, Fat Rex had the forlorn look of an eight year old whose wheelbarrow full of Hostess Twinkies got stolen at the school bus stop by his best friend. After last night's humiliation, Rex consoled himself by taking some serious alone time with his battered copy of Podiatry Illustrated while snorting copious amounts of Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder. Depravity, thy name is Rex.
5. Can You Top This Department: Fat Rex labels QB Marky Mark's time-out the "stupidest play in the history of football." Sounds like a challenge to me and I think Marky Mark is just the man for the job.
6. The Broncos set the game of professional football back 75 years Sunday by completing only two forward passes, while still somehow managing to win the game. The NFL can ill afford to televise such shenanigans on a regular basis. This unexpected development has stumped the intrepid Commissioner Blockhead, who (for lack of anything better to do) has ordered the Broncos and jets to wear leather helmets Thursday night. Fat Rex may be forced to put Darrelle Revis on the inactive list because the Te(Bow) Party will no doubt let the air out of the football once again. This is the only sure-fire way to render the talented Revis useless. Well done, Coach Fox!
7. Have the Ravens been employing the wrong Harbaugh all along?. Not sure why, but The Sporting Press wants this team to be great every year, but they never quite get there. Flacco leads the Ravens to an improbable comeback victory against the Steelers (he's ELITE!!!) and then drops a turd against the lowly Seahawks (never mind, no longer ELITE!!!). Quite frankly, it's getting harder and harder for somewhat forgetful middle-aged guys like me to keep track of this.
8. Edgy Stuff: Football Night in America features Public-Miscreant-on-Whiny-Twit Violence as Edel-deviate (in his inaugural effort as eighth-string-emergency-back-up-slot-CB) blows up Complainian Tomlinson on National TV! Show it again! And while we're all sorry to see the sniveling wretch get hurt (no, I really do mean that - no rooting for injuries here), it was indeed a fitting punctuation mark to The Great MetLife Beat Down of 2011.
9. This Week's Humanitarian Endeavor -- Let's all throw in a few bucks and send Fireman Ed someplace quiet and peaceful where he can stop making a fool of himself on nationally televised sporting events. Both the networks and Fireman Ed himself seem to think that there is some great significance to his very existence. Let's give Ed the benefit of a doubt and say he's probably a nice, albeit somewhat befuddled guy with delusions of grandeur (or adequacy even). I don't know what's worse - the toy fire helmet or the mascara running down his tear-stained face (um, I guess that's supposed to be eye black). Ed seems blissfully unaware that he is the object of ridicule and loathing on the part of non-jet fans everywhere. Clearly, some sort of Intervention is required. It would be humane to put him out of his misery and a relief to the rest of us who have been subjected to this sordid spectacle for far too long.
10. For the third time in four weeks, the Lions (Team of Destiny!) have squandered yet another opportunity to go undefeated. After being hammered by the resurgent Bears Sunday, Detroit's Excitable Boys may find themselves watching the play-offs on television. Usually, teams on the rise enjoy some measure of goodwill in the early stages of their ascent. But these guys were hell-bent on proving themselves detestable as quickly as possible. And, by God, they've succeeded! And even without accomplishing anything remotely noteworthy along the way.
11. Sin in Haste, Repent at Leisure - Not sure what the hurry was for the Bills to sign good guy Ryan Fitzpatrick. Looks a bit like they bought a bit high though. By the way, it is the Bills, not the Patriots, who have the NFL's worst pass defense. Unless you still regard the Colts (who have the league's worst everything) as an NFL team.
12. I very much like Greg Bedard's work in the Globe but do not agree with his near certain conviction that the Patriots: 1) are a cinch to win the division; and 2) have no hope of winning a play-off game. Too long to go, too much can happen on either front. Sunday night's win notwithstanding, the Patriots have significant problems, but then again, so does everyone else. And, sorry Packer fans, but I still believe there are no great teams in NFL Version 2011.
13. Hey Kyle Wilson - your athletic support undergarments are still on the 5 yard line where you left them courtesy of Deion Branch Sunday night.
14. In this week's episode of Name the Back Up QB, we ask contestants in the studio audience to identify exactly whom football fans will find behind center in upcoming Patriot games against the Chiefs and Eagles.
Like most of you, I was hoping for the best while expecting the worst. With no Chung, and the early loss of McCourty, it looked like the Patriots were in for a very long night indeed. Instead, what we got was a clutch, tough, courageous effort, reminiscent of the good old days of Hank Poteat and Earthwind Moreland (or was that Earthland Morewind). With that in mind, let's venture forth with this week's garbled and tortured musings about This and That.
1. I'm pretty sure the Patriots had to wear name tags while introducing themselves to each other during their brief post game celebration last night.
2. Great night for Andre Carter who showed up post game as a real gentleman and very impressive guy.
3. Sunday night's officiating crew had to jump through a number of flaming hoops to simultaneously reverse the Gronk TD and nullify the penalty committed on Branch. Small detail, but it seemed to me that the assistance rendered by the jet DB in helping Gronk find his way out of bounds in the first place may well have been of dubious legality itself, a matter that was conveniently overlooked by the Head Zebra amidst all of the other rather complicated machinations.
4. Meanwhile, across the field, Fat Rex had the forlorn look of an eight year old whose wheelbarrow full of Hostess Twinkies got stolen at the school bus stop by his best friend. After last night's humiliation, Rex consoled himself by taking some serious alone time with his battered copy of Podiatry Illustrated while snorting copious amounts of Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder. Depravity, thy name is Rex.
5. Can You Top This Department: Fat Rex labels QB Marky Mark's time-out the "stupidest play in the history of football." Sounds like a challenge to me and I think Marky Mark is just the man for the job.
6. The Broncos set the game of professional football back 75 years Sunday by completing only two forward passes, while still somehow managing to win the game. The NFL can ill afford to televise such shenanigans on a regular basis. This unexpected development has stumped the intrepid Commissioner Blockhead, who (for lack of anything better to do) has ordered the Broncos and jets to wear leather helmets Thursday night. Fat Rex may be forced to put Darrelle Revis on the inactive list because the Te(Bow) Party will no doubt let the air out of the football once again. This is the only sure-fire way to render the talented Revis useless. Well done, Coach Fox!
7. Have the Ravens been employing the wrong Harbaugh all along?. Not sure why, but The Sporting Press wants this team to be great every year, but they never quite get there. Flacco leads the Ravens to an improbable comeback victory against the Steelers (he's ELITE!!!) and then drops a turd against the lowly Seahawks (never mind, no longer ELITE!!!). Quite frankly, it's getting harder and harder for somewhat forgetful middle-aged guys like me to keep track of this.
8. Edgy Stuff: Football Night in America features Public-Miscreant-on-Whiny-Twit Violence as Edel-deviate (in his inaugural effort as eighth-string-emergency-back-up-slot-CB) blows up Complainian Tomlinson on National TV! Show it again! And while we're all sorry to see the sniveling wretch get hurt (no, I really do mean that - no rooting for injuries here), it was indeed a fitting punctuation mark to The Great MetLife Beat Down of 2011.
9. This Week's Humanitarian Endeavor -- Let's all throw in a few bucks and send Fireman Ed someplace quiet and peaceful where he can stop making a fool of himself on nationally televised sporting events. Both the networks and Fireman Ed himself seem to think that there is some great significance to his very existence. Let's give Ed the benefit of a doubt and say he's probably a nice, albeit somewhat befuddled guy with delusions of grandeur (or adequacy even). I don't know what's worse - the toy fire helmet or the mascara running down his tear-stained face (um, I guess that's supposed to be eye black). Ed seems blissfully unaware that he is the object of ridicule and loathing on the part of non-jet fans everywhere. Clearly, some sort of Intervention is required. It would be humane to put him out of his misery and a relief to the rest of us who have been subjected to this sordid spectacle for far too long.
10. For the third time in four weeks, the Lions (Team of Destiny!) have squandered yet another opportunity to go undefeated. After being hammered by the resurgent Bears Sunday, Detroit's Excitable Boys may find themselves watching the play-offs on television. Usually, teams on the rise enjoy some measure of goodwill in the early stages of their ascent. But these guys were hell-bent on proving themselves detestable as quickly as possible. And, by God, they've succeeded! And even without accomplishing anything remotely noteworthy along the way.
11. Sin in Haste, Repent at Leisure - Not sure what the hurry was for the Bills to sign good guy Ryan Fitzpatrick. Looks a bit like they bought a bit high though. By the way, it is the Bills, not the Patriots, who have the NFL's worst pass defense. Unless you still regard the Colts (who have the league's worst everything) as an NFL team.
12. I very much like Greg Bedard's work in the Globe but do not agree with his near certain conviction that the Patriots: 1) are a cinch to win the division; and 2) have no hope of winning a play-off game. Too long to go, too much can happen on either front. Sunday night's win notwithstanding, the Patriots have significant problems, but then again, so does everyone else. And, sorry Packer fans, but I still believe there are no great teams in NFL Version 2011.
13. Hey Kyle Wilson - your athletic support undergarments are still on the 5 yard line where you left them courtesy of Deion Branch Sunday night.
14. In this week's episode of Name the Back Up QB, we ask contestants in the studio audience to identify exactly whom football fans will find behind center in upcoming Patriot games against the Chiefs and Eagles.
- For the Chiefs, if you guessed Tyler Palko (no, really ...), well good for you.
- For the Eagles (assuming broken ribs do in fact render Michael Vick hors de combat), it will be interesting to see if Dream Teamer Vince Young gets the nod ahead of the Kafkaesque (well, how could he not be) Mike Kafka. Either answer is acceptable for the time being, pending Andy Reid's ponderous ruminations (but don't be surprised if it's Kafka).
