Football vs. Futball I'm so pumped for the season! Jonesing for some NFL action, I tried really, really hard to get into the World Cup this year, only to be both angered and saddened at the same time. I decided it was more exciting to put on the auto-refresh and just watch profootballtalk.com for several hours. Here's my comparison between the two sports, for those who don't know much about either and are looking to choose one. A great commentator is... Football- Listening to John Madden comment on Xs and Os and using his squiggly pen to break down a play; hearing interesting inside information about the psyche of a coach or player. Futball- Hearing a 95-year old British guy rave about "the beautiful game" every time the ball comes within 80 feet of the net; listening to nonsensical hysteria when a team has a corner kick, which 99.9% of the time ends up bouncing off someone's head and back out of bounds. Hearing some guy go "Goooooooollllllleeeee" after he suddenly jolted awake from his nap. A great game is... Football- A slugfest between two heavyweight teams, building up all season, goes on for four action-packed quarters, shifting momentum constantly, until Brady drives down the field and scores a touchdown in the waning seconds while, biting your fingers off, you finally jump up in euphoria and let out a huge gasp. This is followed by a 45 minute phone conversation to talk about the game and anticipate next week's game. Warning: You may experience extreme euphoria and abject depression during a three hour roller coaster. Futball- A 0-0 tie occurs between two teams. Both teams walk off the field with a confused look, unsure whether to celebrate or not. Highlights include a near-miss that sails 40 yards over the net, cat fighting between the players, and constant obnoxious cricket-like noise. You pray that something exciting might happen, but you realize that the nightmare of watching this game has engulfed you. There's no escape. A great atmosphere/fan experience is... Football- The Razor, Pittsburgh's terrible towels, the Lambeau Leap. the Super Dome, the Dawg Pound, Mile High chant "In-Com-Plete!" Futball- A massive amount of idiots blowing into a crude instrument that produces high-pitched noises similar to super-vocalized crickets at a slaughter house, mic'd up. Potential deaths from trampling. A great play is... Football- A leaping, insanely athletic reception to stay in bounds and keep alive a drive, despite two defenders in coverage. Instant replay confirms that both feet nicked the turf. The crowd erupts. Futball- Pretending to get hit by an elbow, keeling over on the ground in fake agony, and being carried off on a stretcher for a pseudo-injury. In return, your team gets one more meaningless possession of the ball, which they lose after kicking it out of bounds. Great offense is... Football- Watching a field general like Tom Brady or Drew Brees pick apart a defense by exploiting mismatches, threading the needle with tight spirals, and commanding the team down the field in the two minute offense; seeing a physical offensive line throw around defenders while the lightning-fast Chris Johnson puts a buck-fifty on stat sheet. Futball- Watching Cristiano Ronaldo play hackysack with a soccer ball in an Adidas commercial, listening to announcers rave about his explosiveness, and then watching every game as he does absolutely nothing. The commentator, in his excitement, chokes on his fish and chips when Ronaldo unsuccessfully tries to wedge between four defenders, windmills through air after stepping on someone's shin guard, and pleads his case for a penalty. Great defense is... Football- A huge physical front seven blitzing past the line of scrimmage with a playmaking secondary that can turn the game on any given pass; Dwight Freeney spinning past defenders on the outside. Champ Bailey putting on a clinic. Futball- Eleven guys stand close the goal and cover their balls so they don't get hit. Some even turn sideways to avoid potential contact. Sudden-Death Overtime is... Football- One of the most exciting, nerve-wracking things you can experience as a fan. At any given time the game could be over and either team could win. Every play is critical and often defines a team's season. Field position is a science here, as coaches decide whether to play it safe or gamble. Futball- A professional ball-kicker stands about 10 feet away from a goal 30 feet wide and kicks the ball past an irrelevant goalie and into the net. Five players from each team do this. The losing team has the only player who can't actually put the ball into the back of the huge, unmissable net. Great coaching is... Football- A combination of great game planning and impromptu decision making, especially on third and short. Great coaches exploit matchups and disguise their team weaknesses in a complicated chess match that is at the same time a physical, smash mouth contest. Futball- Coaches look constipated on the sidelines, grimacing in discomfort. Every once in awhile a substitute is put into the game when a starter has collapsed from exhaustion and hasn't moved for 35 minutes. After every loss, each coach is vilified, fired, and ex-communicated from their country. They all move to France. A Great Face of the Game is... Football- Tom Brady. Clutch, skilled, humble, married to a super model. The guy has it all, yet he still works as hard as any player in the league, and you can see the desire to win in his eyes. Futball- David Beckham. Exactly like Brady, except he's married to a b-list, has-been, snobby popstar, has affairs with his kid's nannies, dies his hair, lives in LA, is a sell-out, falls way short of the hype, doesn't care about the sport, is pampered, and used to be a woman.