Stagecoach Etiquette
The best seat inside a stagecoach is the one next to the driver. You will have to ride with
back to the horses, which with some people produces an illness not unlike seasickness,
but in a long journey this will wear off, and you will get more rest with less than half
the bumps and jars than on any other seat.… [When anyone] who traveled thousands of miles on
coaches offers, through sympathy, to exchange his back or middle seat with you, don’t do it …
Bathe your feet before starting in cold weather and wear loose overshoes and gloves two or three
sizes too large. When the driver asks you to get off and walk, do it without grumbling. He will
not request it unless absolutely necessary. If a team runs away, sit still and take your chances; if
you jump, nine times out of ten you will be hurt. In very cold weather abstain entirely from
liquor while on the road; a man will freeze twice as quick while under its influence. Don’t growl
at food at stations; stage companies generally provide the best they can get. Don’t keep the stage
waiting; many a virtuous man has lost his character by so doing. Don’t smoke a strong pipe
inside especially early in the morning; spit on the leeward side of the coach. If you have anything
to take in a bottle, pass it around; a man who drinks by himself in such a case is lost to all human
feeling. Provide stimulants before starting; ranch whiskey is not always nectar. Be sure and take
two heavy blankets with you; you will need them. Don’t swear, nor lop over onto your neighbor
when sleeping. Don’t ask how far it is to the next station until you get there. Take small change
to pay expenses. Never attempt to fire a gun or pistol while on the road; it may frighten the team
and the careless handling and ****ing of the weapon makes nervous people nervous. Don’t discuss
politics or religion [if everyone else around you is talking about football], nor point out places on the road where horrible murders have been committed [by your team's star tightend] if delicate women are among the passengers. Don’t linger too long at the pewter washbasin at the station. Don’t grease your hair before starting or dust will stick there in sufficient quantities to make a respectable “tater” patch. Tie a silk handkerchief around your neck to keep out dust and prevent sunburns.… Don’t imagine for a moment you are going on a picnic; expect annoyance, discomfort and some hardships. If you are disappointed, thank heaven.
