There are Red Sox fans all over the USA. But how true are they?
Around these parts, being simply a Sox fan and a native Midwesterner may not be enough. Just because you like the Patriots doesn't give you entitlement to wear a New England badge of honor. You might hail from California and love the Celtics, but if you've never hung your hat in one of the six northeastern states, you're not a full-fledged fan.
It's a little unusual the past few years to see the area teams get such a national following. The Red Sox have the strongest national following of all the area teams, and being the longest running franchise embroiled in the most heated rivalry in all of sports, you cannot dispute this. Both the Patriots and Celtics have been more noted for being hated outside of New England, but you will find more of those team's apparel in stores outside of New England in recent years versus ten or twenty years ago. The Bruins are the most local team of them all, but blame that more on hockey itself rather than how good or bad the team is doing.
Jeff Foxworthy has made a career out of the definition of the word "redneck". If your idea of a home stereo system is two cinderblocks and a plank of wood, if the directions to your house include the words "turn off the paved road", if you go to a family reunion to pick up girls, etc., etc., yeeeeewwww might be a redneck. It's the same here in New England, but with much different parameters.
So, we'll provide a bunch of sentence prefixes, and merely insert the phrase "yeeeeewwww might be a New Englander" at the end.
If you're adverse to taking a vacation and leave town because you're afraid you might miss something...
If you refer to a drinking fountain as a "bubbler"...
If you know who Stasia Czernicki was and what made her famous...
If you say the word "father" and are referring to distance comparison and not your dad...
If you know what a "package store" is...
If you know what a "packy run" is...
If you know that traffic intersections are called "squares" and are named after famous people (Webster Square, Copley Square)...
If you go to a store for a soda pop and ask for "tonic" (and pronounce it correctly)...
If you know what storm windows are and what they are used for...
If you are adept at getting to Boston without having to take the turnpike in order to save money on tolls...
If you only refer to 30 minutes after the hour as "hahpast"...
If you know, or think, that every road you drove on as a kid is a former cowpath at some time or another...
If you've been in a house or a building that was built before the year 1800...
If you think that trips like Springfield to Worcester are long drives...
If you still use a rotary dial phone and refuse to switch to touch tone dialing...
If you used to place a call within your home town by dialing only the last four digits of the phone number...
If Don Gillis on Saturdays was a major part of your growing up...
If you've ever had fish chowder, Delmonico steaks or Yaz bread...
If you decide to have a yard sale and you know to call it a "tag sale"...
If you include people like Marty Engstrom, Rex Trailer and Bill Putnam on your list of television cult faves...
If you work in one state and live in another for tax advantages...
If you find "Bert and I" drop-dead funny...
If you have snow tires in your garage instead of just one set of all-weather tires on your vehicle...
If you would rather stick needles in your eyes than accept the premise that change is a part of life...
If you fully understand that Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a polite toll-taker on the Massachusetts Turnpike share one common trait, that being they are imaginary people...
If you are all for building and constructing any structure, building or stadium in the region as long as they don't build it in your backyard...
If the history of the Red Sox is a central element in the fabric of your family's history...
If you go to the symphony to actually listen to the music and not to just be seen...
If you love sports but have zero interest in NASCAR, March Madness or the BCS championship...
If you have no idea who Robert Cheruiyot (either one) and Teyba Erkesso are but you know who Rosie Ruiz is...
If you believe that Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy was more regal than HRH Queen Elizabeth...
If you could care less about Wal-Mart but care very much about Spag's and Building #19...
If someone brings up Narragansett, Carling Black Label or Schaefer and you imagine them in a beer Hall of Fame...
If all the "where were you when this happened" moments in your life are tied exclusively to Red Sox games...
If you celebrate St. Patrick's Day at 3:00 AM because that's when the sun comes up in Ireland...
If your out-of-region friends regard something as "awesome" and you regard it as "wicked"...
And finally...
If you support Bill "Spaceman" Lee's claim that "No company test-markets their product here because New Englanders are strange and don't represent the rest of the country!"...
...yeeeeewwww might be a New Englander.
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