Weis Words: If It Works, Swear Away

Bob George

Nov 22, 2002 at 5:00am ET

What did the (censored) say to the (censored)?

You look like a (censored) with a (censored).

Next time, Stacey James, let the stations roll the tape. We know you're doing what your bosses told you to do. But what fun is life as long as you have the words "censored" and "expletive"? Then we'll never hear Charlie Weis say stuff like (censored) and (censored). And especially (censored). Not to mention that nice and incredibly (censored) joke at the top of this article, which you'll never get to enjoy thanks to our prude editorial staff.

You see, if the Patriots win Sunday thanks to Weis' now legendary (censored) spree this week, Weis did his (censored) job. The Patriots are too image conscious to want this to be made public (and don't buy that jive about "assistant coaches aren't allowed to address the media. It's about the image, folks, all the way). Pooh on that. If that's what sends the Patriots off on another 9-0 run to close the season, then Weis needs to be hailed, not ridiculed or vilified. That's simply a bunch of (censored).

Simply stated, Weis needed to cuss out the Patriots. Why? We'll tell you, in Weis-ese.

Patriots/Vikings Close-Up
Where:	Gillette Stadium Foxborough, Mass.
When:	Sunday 11/24/02 1:00 PM EST
Television:	Fox WFXT Channel 25 in Boston
DSS:	DirecTV Channel 707, 945
2002 Team Records:	Patriots 5-5 Vikings 3-7
Latest Line:	Patriots by 7

After 10 games, the Patriots stand at a (censored) 5-5. Too often they have simply played like (censored) this year. That's putting it into incredibly general terms. Let's break it down some more and get the real dope on this (censored) team.

The offensive line was made to look like a bunch of (censored) (censored) on Sunday night. They were pushed around like they were a bunch of (censored) with their (censored) in their (censored). Anytime one of these (censored) gets called for a false start, they deserve to be called a (censored). But watching them get overpowered by defensive lines who range from mediocre to very good is just plain (censored).

This weekend they face a Minnesota Vikings team that basically plays like (censored) on defense. This is a good week for them to regain their blocking technique, which lately has looked like (censored), both in pass and in run. However, if Tom Brady is sacked four or five times, or if Antowain Smith averages less than 3.5 yards per carry, then Dante Scarnecchia (this will be tough because of what a gentleman this guy is) should take all the linemen aside and call them a (censored), a (censored) and a (censored).

Brady needs to get his (censored) together and learn how to throw the deep ball. Like a (censored), he misfired on four passes last week against Oakland which could have gone for touchdowns. Yup, 28 points. (censored). (censored). Make those four passes and the (censored) Raiders would have been toast.

Donald Hayes is almost ready to re-enter the lineup. This (censored) guy has spent the whole season with his (censored) up his (censored), complaining about how he can't seem to grasp the offense. Add to that rookie Deion Branch, who seems to have shut his NFL career down after what now looks like a (censored) lucky afternoon down in San Diego. Branch has forgotten how to get open, which is truly a (censored) of (censored). These two men need to regain their "A" game, and take the pressure off of Troy Brown and David Patten. Brown's knees still feel like (censored), so any help these new guys can provide is critical.

On defense, these guys are up (censored) creek. You have guys that are perhaps too (censored) old to play in the NFL anymore, and need to get their (censored) together or else Randy (censored) Moss is going to torch them for six or seven (censored) touchdowns.

Moss is a (censored), a (censored) and a (censored) any way you look at it. But he is still the best wideout in the league today (versus all-time, where Jerry Rice occupies that title). Moss' problem is that he has (censored) for an attitude, and plays only when he (censored) feels like it. Perhaps the Patriots will catch this (censored) on one of his "I don't feel like playing" days. But if not, watch out, Ty Law and Tebucky Jones.

The scary thing is that Michael Bennett is being touted as the fastest man on the team. That's (censored) bodacious. Faster than Moss? (censored). If Daunte Culpepper plays like he did when he last came to Foxborough (2000, where the Vikings beat the (censored) out of the Patriots) and is too big and fast for the Patriots to bring down, the Patriots may have to score 45 because they'll give up 44. When not being chased, Culpepper has enough weapons in his arsenal (including D'Wayne Bates and former Bronco Byron Chamberlain) to make the Patriots look like (censored).

So, in other words, the (censored) Patriots have their work cut out for them defensively. And offensively, they have a cupcake squad to go up against and work out their problems. If the Patriots still can't convert third downs, find deep receivers, block for Smith, get time for Brady to throw or finish drives with touchdowns and not field goals, (censored) this game.

We're banking that Weis will be the key to this game. By saying naughty words like (censored), (censored) and (censored) to the team on Wednesday that has become such neat copy for the press, maybe that inspired his poor little underachieving offense to finally wake the (censored) up and take notice.

Simply put, the season is on the line and the Patriots are coming into the easy stretch of their schedule. These are six games that, like 2001, could all be wins. But the Patriots need to regain the sharpness of weeks one and two, and stop this (censored) they've been laying on us in six of the eight weeks since.

And if this does send the Patriots off towards a final Vince push, let us pray that Weis' use of the obscene vernacular never becomes such a news story like it did this week ever again. It's just plain foolish to make it into such a big deal, given that cussing in pro sports is as common and as accepted as spitting, grabbing your crotch, belching and flatulating.

Run the (censored) pattern correct, you (censored). Block, you dumb (censored). Don't overthrow the (censored) guy, Tom, especially if he's wide (censored) open. Play smart, not like a (censored) (censored).

Music to all our ears, folks. Have a (censored) great weekend, everyone.