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Simmons Teaser Test

Discussion in 'PatsFans.com - Patriots Fan Forum' started by MoLewisrocks, Oct 5, 2007.

  1. MoLewisrocks

    MoLewisrocks PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Expanded power rankings with scathing commentary. Fun read. Couple stand out:

    "Back in the old days, the two-team teaser was the easiest way to make money. In 2007? Only seven teams can pass the Teaser Test -- yes, the Titans are one of them -- in an era when perpetual putridity is thriving like never before. Two-thirds of this year's teams could be described as "mediocre," "not good" or "terrible," which leads to rampant unpredictability from week to week, which leads to unfathomably fathomable gambling numbers. Over the past three weeks, underdogs went 28-14-4; road favorites went 5-11-1; and nine Week 4 underdogs won games outright. These days, the NFL is more top heavy than Morganna the Kissing Bandit.

    To prove this point, I blew out my Weekly Power Poll into a full-fledged column. Here's how the league shakes out from No. 32 to No. 1:

    BRUCE COSLET DIVISION

    30. San Francisco
    It has been awhile, but one of my ****amamie theories actually worked: The Winston Wolf "Let's Not Start Sucking Each Other's Popsicles Yet" Test that eliminates the bandwagon playoff pick (as applied to the Niners in this year's NFL Preview). Maybe it lacks the historical success of the Ewing Theory -- currently thriving in the English Premier League with Arsenal, by the way -- but we're off to a good start. In other news, you know the Patriots own San Fran's 2008 first-round pick, right? After losing their own first-rounder with CameraGate, how funny would it be if the Niners' pick ended up being first overall? Don't count this out. They're terrible.

    That reminds me, some eerie similarities have developed between the '86 Celtics and '07 Patriots, right down to the thriving Boston sports scene and the fact the Celtics owned floundering Seattle's No. 1 pick that season, so not only were we Celtics fans watching a 67-win team, we were rooting against the Sonics every game and scouting college prospects such as Brad Daugherty, Lenny Bias, Johnny Dawkins and John Salley. Twenty-one years later, the Pats look invincible, Brady and Moss have assumed the Bird/Walton roles, and on top of everything else, Patriots fans are rooting for a top-five pick and scouting college guys. It's like sports déjà vu. If the Patriots win the Super Bowl and land the No. 2 pick, I'm leaving the country for four days after the draft, just to be safe.

    UNEQUIVOCALLY OVERRATED

    14. San Diego
    Whoops, I forgot about Norv Turner and Ted Cottrell! Sorry about that. Poor Norv rendered the "Norv Turner Second-Half Collapse Checklist" obsolete (as described last week) and forced me to create a brand-spanking-new "Norv Turner First-Half Collapse Checklist" from scratch. Let's see how he looks through four weeks:

    • Players arguing on the sidelines? (CHECK)
    • Fans chanting the previous coach's name after an embarrassing home loss? (CHECK)
    • QB getting sacked and throwing the ball up for grabs? (CHECK)
    • Just an ungodly amount of penalties? (NO)
    • Steady stream of excuses? (CHECK)
    • Players taking veiled shots at the coaching staff? (NO)
    • Players telling reporters things like "we need to stick together right now" and "we need to show some urgency"? (CHECK)
    • General malaise and dissatisfaction within the fan base? (CHECK)
    • Local columnists taking shots at him? (CHECK)
    • Big coaching name (Bill Cowher, Pete Carroll) looming as a replacement? (CHECK)
    • Star player breaking down in tears during a postgame news conference? (CHECK)

    (That's right, we're a penalty-filled loss in Denver and a few veiled postgame barbs away from finishing this checklist before Week 6. I couldn't be happier. By the way, the Chargers underachieved with a Tomlinson-Gates-Merriman nucleus two years ago, when they finished 9-7 with a better QB, better receivers, a better offensive line and an infinitely better coaching staff. Don't rule out 6-10 for them this season. Stranger things have happened.)


    CONTENDERS

    3. Dallas
    2. Indianapolis
    Dallas can't stop the pass, Indy can't stop the run, but both teams can run the ball and score in bunches. In any other season, that would be fine. But here's the problem ...

    THE FAVORITE

    1. New England
    The Patriots can score in bunches, they can run the ball, they can stop the run AND they can stop the pass. They don't have a weakness. During Monday night's thrashing of the Bengals, you almost got the feeling they were screwing around. In one goal-line situation, they tossed out a backfield of Junior Seau and Heath Evans. They threw a TD pass to a linebacker. They kept feeding Moss in garbage time so he could pass 100 yards and get a second TD. At one point, my buddy Bug called me and decided the Pats looked like someone who had just won a ton of money playing blackjack in a casino; now they were wandering around bored and saying things like, "I think I'll play a couple hands of Pai Gow Poker!" Meanwhile, the poor Bengals were so flustered, Justin Smith was "Miked Up" for the telecast, forgot he was miked up and complained, "It's like we're playing seven on five out there, we can't do anything," before remembering that he was miked up and hemming and hawing his way out of it.

    However you feel about the Pats, at the very least you have to admit Moss has catapulted them to another level and transformed Brady's career. Even during the three Super Bowl seasons, they never had a closer, a big-play guy who could knock the lead out of reach. Now they do. In all four victories, Moss scored the touchdown that put the game away. He also has given them a swagger that they've never had, an invincibility they desperately needed. If they can keep him on the field for five months, and if they can stay healthy, they're going to be nearly impossible to beat. Yup, it's a top-heavy league and the Patriots are wearing a 55DDDDDDDD bra right now. Needless to say, they pass the Teaser Test."







    http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/071005&sportCat=nfl
  2. patsox23

    patsox23 Rookie

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    good stuff, thanks for posting.
  3. Krugman

    Krugman Rookie

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    Good post,MLR, Simmons article is a hoot!
  4. shakadave

    shakadave Rookie

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    Pai Gow Poker?

    Outstanding stuff.
  5. BradfordPatsFan

    BradfordPatsFan Rookie

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    Loved this line.

  6. MoLewisrocks

    MoLewisrocks PatsFans.com Supporter PatsFans.com Supporter

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    Yup, you gotta love the big FU.

    And the Raiders blurb was a zinger that coulda been aimed at Mr. HOF Voter and his league sources:

    NAPPING, NOT SLEEPING

    15c. Houston
    15b. Washington,
    15a. Oakland
    The Texans need Andre Johnson and Ahman Green back; the Redskins need Jason Campbell to mature into something beyond a hot-and-cold QB; and the Raiders need to prove that it's possible to compete for a playoff spot even after (A) giving away a receiver who might amass 2,000 yards and 25 TDs, and (B) botching the previous draft to smithereens (they had picks Nos. 1, 38, 65, 91, 99, 100 and 110 and only No. 38 has played a meaningful minute for them). Any of these teams could win between five and 10 games and I wouldn't be shocked, surprised or even mildly taken aback.

    Speaking of the Raiders, check out this May 13 Boston Globe feature about Randy Moss for the "Moss is washed up" quotes from Tom Walsh and Art Shell. Highest of high comedy. We'll never see a coach/coordinator duo as inept as Walsh and Shell in this lifetime. It's impossible.
  7. BWareofDWare

    BWareofDWare Rookie

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    That's the thing that drives me nuts about Simmons, he's sees one game and makes all his presumptions from there. The Cowboys can't stop the pass, but per Cold Hard Football Facts they somehow have the 2nd best defensive passer rating in the league? His thesis is basically he saw the Giants game on primetime and saw the defense (without Newman) struggle, and thus this must happen every week. If he was the Chicago Sports Guy he'd see a NE-Miami game and be saying the Pats have no line after seeing them struggle to block Jason Taylor. It's a division game, crazy things happen.
  8. godef

    godef Rookie

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    A 55DDDDDDDD bra? That's too gross. :eek:
  9. zarakotas5

    zarakotas5 Rookie

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    Bump to the first page. Funny stuff for those who could use a football laugh.

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