Here’s the full transcript of what former New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick said during The Roast of Tom Brady on Netflix Sunday night:
“Kevin [Hart], you think you can get me a chair like that in Philly? Yeah, I don’t think so.”
“Ron Burgundy. Where’s Ron? Ron Burgundy, the only member in the media I respect.”
“The fellas invited me up here to lighten up the mood a little bit tonight. But seriously, I’m so honored to be here for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. It’s not to be confused with the ‘Roast of Bill Belichick’ on the 10-part Apple TV series.”
“That was a lot of mean things being said about Tom tonight. I wonder why they invited me. Really, Tom, why are all these people so hard on you? Do you miss me?”
“And Kevin, whenever Kevin talks, I go into cover two defense, cover both ears.”
“First time, some of these comedians tonight, Andrew Schultz, Nikki Glaser, Tom Seguera. This is a comedy version of the no-name defense. … Who are these people?”
“For 49 years, I’ve been a football coach, but tonight, I’m going to be a life coach, and Jeff… punt. When I get rid of my two sleeves, it’s from my sweatshirts. When Jeff Ross gets rid of his two sleeves, it’s from a box of cookies.”
[Turns and points back behind him to Patriots players]
“I got it rolling? All right.”
“You know, a lot of people kind of connected me with a saying called, ‘Do your job,’ and telling people to do their job. Gronk, I’ve been watching you on Fox NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you, please stop doing your job. Do another job. Do somebody else’s job.”
“I love coaching Gronk. He was the best. He was a great teammate, great, great player, Hall of Fame player. Give it up for Gronk, man.”
“Gronk’s taking a lot of heat. He’s been roasted the third most between Brady then me and Gronk tonight. But sorry, Rob, I got to keep going.”
“Rob last landed some endorsement deals for some of his favorite foods. You know, Campbell’s soup, Dunkin Donuts, and don’t forget Tide Pods. Just a true story. 100% true story. I use Rob’s Tide Pod commercial to teach our team that this is when you say no. Just because somebody asked you to do something stupid, you don’t have to do it. Say no. That advice was never given by Kevin’s manager.”
“A lot of you don’t know, but I really have a big heart. I really do. I rescued…” [sarcastic applause]
“Seriously. Come on, man.” [applause]
“I rescued a dog from the shelter, and I rescued Randy from the Raiders.”
“Listen, Randy, I’m really sorry you didn’t get a ring. Not sorry enough to give you one of mine, but I’m still really sorry.”
“It’s great to have all the Patriots here. You guys are all awesome, really meant so much. And Tom is the greatest of all time. There’s no question about that. That’s why we’re all here. Tom’s fantastic. But he played on some great teams, and these great players that played with him, they’re great teams. We accomplished a lot, and so proud to be here.”
I’m so honored to be here for the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix. It’s not to be confused with the ‘Roast of Bill Belichick’ on the 10-part Apple TV series.”
Bill Belichick
“But Danny Amendola up here on stage came with us. Danny joined us in 2014, got us 200 yards that year. And then in 2016, he picked up another 250. Or to put it another way, what Randy would call a decent first half.”
“Matt, I love where you are. Matt Light. Matt Light protected Tom’s blindside, along with Nate Solder. Two great left tackles. Blocking Dwight Freeny, and all those other guys that are in a Hall of Fame. Maybe they’ll get there someday, too.”
“But Matt, I love where you are, far away from the microphone. In all my years with the Patriots, there’s no player I had to say more often to, ‘Shut the f**k up,’ than Matt Light. Matt came into the league, and I know a lot about his struggle with Crohn’s disease, and that certainly explains all the years why he gave me so much s**t.”
“One man that it’s always great to see, Rodney Harrison. Rodney Harrison there [gestures toward him]. One of the greatest players I’ve ever coached. I mean, he was a great, great football player, great person, great competitor. He’s not in the Pro Football Hall of Fame and, to me, that might be the biggest joke of the night.”
“Give it up for, Rodney. Just invite me to your induction.”
“But believe it or not, I’ve got a lot of nice things to say about Tom, but I’m running out of time here. Do I have a couple of extra minutes? Okay.”
“Yeah, We’ve already talked about the cryptocurrency. I’ll stay away from that one. But I see your soccer team, Birmingham City, got knocked down to another tier in the English Football League. For those not familiar with English Football and the intricacies to their obscure regulation system, just let me say, I’ll put it in English for you.”
“They suck.”
“Not so easy running a team, is it, Tom?”
“So, a little coaching advice. Stick to American football. You’re really good at that.”
“People have said that Tom and I have butted heads a lot. And in a way, that was true, but not really. It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”
“Tom, you had so many clutch moments, so many big plays, so many just unbelievable plays that will live on forever. I remember the pass that you threw to Amendola when we beat Baltimore in the playoffs in ’14. No, that was Julian that threw that pass to Amendola. There was the pass you threw to Dorsett when we beat the Eagles? Kevin [Hart], you remember that one in 2019? No, Julian, you threw that one, too. Oh, s**t.”
“Tom threw a lot of touchdown passes. I can’t remember them, but he threw a bunch of them.”
“Seriously, Tom and I had our differences, but it only comes to love and respect about our relationship, and we did some special things together. For all of you out there that think about who’s responsible for the Patriots’ success during the time when Tom and I were there, was it Brady, was it me, was it Brady, was it me?”
“In reality, the truth of the matter is it was both of us … because of me.”
“Great event, Netflix. Great night to be here. Thank you very much. Love you, Tom, Patriots. Love you guys. Thank you.”
(Editor’s Note: This transcript is done via the available footage and is subject to typos. If you spot something, please take a moment to let me know in the comments below.)
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Ian Logue is a Seacoast native and owner and senior writer for PatsFans.com, an independent media site covering the New England Patriots and has been running this site in one form or another since 1997.
