ONE NIGHT, WHILE we're eating dinner at a fancy hot dog place (if you're wondering whether the Bennetts made lewd jokes about the sausages -- what do you think?), I ask Michael, who's famously critical of the league's overpaid passers, what he thinks of
Jay Cutler.
"Worst quarterback in the NFL," he says.
"I'd be open and he'd throw into double coverage," says Martellus, who spent the past three seasons as Cutler's teammate in Chicago.
If there's an unspoken rule in the NFL against roasting other players, the Bennetts break it every day. What follows is a non-comprehensive list of their takes on various figures in football:
ELI MANNING
Martellus: "Eli? He's cool. He's like a normal white guy you see at the park trying to teach his kids how to play soccer and you know he can't really play soccer himself."
JEFF FISHER
Martellus: "If a QB went 7 -- 9, he'd never be able to find a job."
Michael: "Make sure he's in the NFC West."
BROCK OSWEILER
Michael: "I've got more sacks than he's got touchdowns." (This is accurate.)
Martellus: "I've caught more balls than he's completed." (Also accurate.)
PETE CARROLL
Martellus: "Joel Osteen."
Michael: "Tom Cruise. I feel like Pete Carroll is like Benjamin Button. He doesn't want to get old. He's getting younger every year. What is going on?"
Martellus: "That's what money does."
ROGER GOODELL
Michael: "A--hole. Nah, I'm just joking -- you can't say that. Overpaid."
J.J. WATT
Michael: "Dominant player."
Martellus: "Corny. Half of the NFL is corny, though."
Michael: "People love
J.J. Watt, but they don't really
like J.J. Watt, know what I'm saying?"
SAM BRADFORD
(Both smirk.)
Michael: "The greatest quarterback in the NFL."
Martellus: "Vicious. Competitive."
Michael: "A real Joe Montana."
TOM BRADY
Martellus: "The silver fox you never get to see but you hear about. You only get to take one photo, and you have to stay outside for a year just to get it."
JASON WITTEN
Martellus: "I hated
Jason Witten. I appreciated his game, but I always hated him."
CAM NEWTON
Michael: "Probably the quarterback I like to hit the most."