Razor's Edge

Subject: New NFL Rules


In order to address the complaints and hurt feelings of the rest of the NFL, the commissioner has adopted 11 new "Special Rules" for all New England Patriots games. They take effect immediately, and are as follows:

Special Rules for the Patriots

1) In the course of an NFL game, if the Patriots go up by more than 31 points, they are not allowed to play offense until the opposing team draws to within one score. (Pats will kick-off after an opposing team's touchdown or FG).

a) Once the team is within one score, the Pats offense may play, but Tom Brady may not, unless:

i) the Pats play with 8 players (including Tom), or

ii) the Pats play with 9 players, but 1 player for the Patriots is chosen by the opposing team from the stands.

no Patriots linebacker is allowed to play offense, unless that LB is inserted at quarterback. However, Mike Vrabel cannot be quarterback.

2) If an opposing player states "It's like were playing 7-on-5s" (7 offense, 5 defense during practice), such as indicated by Justin Smith, DE, Cincinnati Bengels 10/1/07, the Patriots must take a time out and serve ice cold lemonade or hot tea (weather dependent) to the opposing team. Scones are optional.

3) Once the 31 pt rule is in effect, Patriots may challenge any play, but the opposing team gets veto power over the referee.

4) Once the Pats offense is allowed back onto the field (7 pts), for any forward pass the Pats QB must point to the receiver and call out his number BEFORE passing. If Tom Brady is quarterbacking at the time, he must do that, plus turn the opposing team's water cooler into wine BEFORE passing.

5) Belichick must diagram any Patriots play to the opposing defense and ensure they understand exactly how to disrupt the play. This all must be done within the play clock. If this process is not complete prior to the play clock expiring, the Patriots will be assessed a delay of game and double unsportsmanlike conduct penalties.

6) Randy Moss must play with 10lb ankle weights on each ankle. An additional pound will be added for each TD this season.

7) Wes Welker is not allowed to have "that crazy look" in his eyes. 10 yd, "crazy eyes" penalty assessed.

8) Tom Brady must immediately stop dating supermodels as he will not be allowed to date anyone that is more attractive then the least attractive significant other of an opposing team member (including coaches). He also must start doing commercials for every product imaginable, especially ones where he chants "cut that meat!" or refers to himself "as a 6'5" quarterback with a laser-rocket arm"

9) Bill Belichick is not allowed to be within 100 yds of any infant, for fear that his evil super-genius powers would assimilate such a defenseless creature into the Patriots System. We have already seen this effect on an inordinate amount of chipmunks, squirrels, and 'possum that commit suicide while crossing Rte 1 to reach Gillette Stadium.

10) Patriots must respect all opposing player’s feelings and apologize for every first down. Touchdowns must be followed by a written apology and a fruit basket presented with a hug.

11) Any Patriots defensive player rushing and within 5 yards of the opposing team's quarterback must dance and sing two verses of the hokey pokey before making contact with said quarterback.

fnordcircle

I wish there was a rule against threads like this.

Razor's Edge

Maybe for Christmas you could ask for a sense of humor

fnordcircle

I don't celebrate Christmas because your posting made me stop believing in Jesus.

PatsWickedPissah

It would be great to read one of these lists that was funny

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Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty.
This is known as "bad luck." RAH

speed

This, however, is funny, harsh, but funny.

pwes

Did you get this in like an email or something? I could have sworn this has been posted like 3 diffreent times already. If not then something similar has been posted multiple times. It's getting kind of old and tired now.

speed

How about this:

Any Quarterback with a forehead bigger than small child must allow advertisement to be sold by the NFL to be placed on aforementioned forehead, yes we are looking at you Mr Manning.

Or

Any QB who is or ever has posed with a farm animal for a picture must wear a T shirt with that picture screen printed on the front of it, in public, until his Offensive lineman, in a majority vote say he can stop wearing it.

Or

Anyone who has bullied press box staff at opposing stadiums and argued with a comedian/actor on public radio has to wear pink pumps.... oh we see you already got the Memo Mr Polian.

Polian: Um ya, the memo, um, ya thats it.

Or

The League has decided to randomly search players cars in the parking lot for banned and illegal substances..... Randy..Rodney, hey guys where are you going?

What?!?!?! NO??!?!? okay dokey, at least I didn't mention the Hokey Pokey or fruit basket, though.

Charlotte Pats Fan

LOL, Now that's funny

gomezcat

I've looked through all of nfl.com's stats and can't find his name anywhere. Who does he play for?

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The blog of our recent trip to The States (September and October 2012):


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