In the Starting Line-up
Join Date: Apr 2006
Parody: Overdue Cowboys celebrate Moral Victory over Too-Soon-Peaked Patriots
Overdue Cowboys celebrate Moral Victory over Too-Soon-Peaked Patriots
(AP) Dallas. With the backdrop of a shocked Texas Stadium on Sunday, the bruised and battered Dallas Cowboys quietly celebrated their shocking moral victory over the New England Patriots. Despite losing the football game in humiliating fashion, 48-27, to a clearly superior football team, a team that atomically wedgied them like a bully against a bow-tied little geek, the 'Boys showed again why America's Team stands strong and united.
"Overconfidence," Terrell Owens quipped to a reporter. "The better team didn't win the game." And clearly the Patriots were overconfident, believing, with reason, that they could easily dominate an underclassed, horrendous secondary with more holes than a post-WWII Parisian billboard. Owens, wrapping his sore knee without flinching, then spoke again. "We play that team 100 times, we win 99 times."
"The mathematical probability of the Patriots beating the Cowboys again is utterly zero," said Professor Amhir Azkahbenir, a tenured MIT theoretician. "The Patriots should celebrate now because it's very unlikely they'll win again."
And as if that mathematical certainty is not enough, a unnamed Dallas veteran also pointed out the Patriots' fear of the Cowboys. "We were up man, and they were scared. You could see Brady sweating on the sidelines. Heck, Moss looked like he'd seen a ghost," the player said, referring to Dallas' 24-21 short-lived third quarter lead. "But us, we ain't scared. We were never in doubt in our abilities. Not when Brady threw that touchdown to Kyle Brady, a career journeyman who looks like Antonio Gates against our undercoached secondary. Heck, we didn't even flinch when Stallworth ran 65 yards, throwing down our guy like he was an unraveled necktie. Even when we got down by 21, and the crowd was booing really loud, we knew who we were, united, Dallas Cowboys."
Speaking of the the last touchdown, the Patriots were clearly in the loss column for karma points, which is superior to time of possession (dominated by the Patriots), according to numerous team sources. "Run up the score on us? There's a Buddhist saying, 'what happens in one lifetime will come back to you in the next lifetime. Now instead of 'lifetime', substitute 'football game.' They better hope they don't see us again. I mean, what are the chances of them putting up 48 again? Will Brady play like a superhuman assassin that makes Joe Montana look like Ryan Leaf again? Five touchdown passes? Are you kidding me. And it could have been six if Moss gets another... or even seven. Most likely, he will not be on such a high level that he can completely shred our secondary wearing a blindfold and carrying a three houndred pound bucket of cement," chimed in Patrick Crayton, who was limited by the Patriots secondary. "We can't wait to play them again. When we play them again I don't think we will get sandwiched by Vince Wilfork, and I also doubt Ellis Hobbs will blanket me wherever I go, preventing virtually anything from happening, minus my one touchdown. I mean, their defense isn't the real deal."
When asked what a "real deal" defense looks like, Crayton snapped back "Not the Patriots. They completely outplayed us. They stopped us when they needed to. They shut us down in the second half. Again, what are the chances of that happening when we play them in February. Ever hear of the law of averages? Yeah, laugh it up Patriots. You guys humiliated us and exposed us for being an overhyped team of primadonnas that can't compete with a real team. Our confidence and image is at an all-time low. Enjoy your moment. Nowhere to go now... nowhere but down. Next time we don't expect to be physically outmatched so badly."
The Cowboys won the karma battle, 38-15, according to a team statistician, which, when added to the final score, gives the Cowboys a 65-63 edge over the clearly superior Patriots, who pasted the Cowboys on the field, embarassing them in front of their proud fans, and made a mockery of "Super Bowl 41.5."
The Cowboys improved their moral record to 4-2, while the Patriots, headed in the opposite direction, limped to an 0-6 start, and likely will miss the Moral Playoffs for the sixth consecutive season.
A dejected Bill Belichick took on the media question after the game for the Patriots. "We outplayed them. We outcoached them. We made them look like a group of useless white-armored soldiers from Star Wars, while we were like Luke Skywalker, times Hans Solo, to the Yoda power, with five light sabers and that gun from Doom II that kills everything in the room, plus the invincible star you can get in Mario. The loss in on me, I take full responsibility."
Written by Ice_Ice_Brady for the amusement of my fellow PatsFans.
Last edited by Ice_Ice_Brady; 10-17-2007 at 01:36 AM..