Beyond the shock value and rapid-fire insults, the Roast of Tom Brady allowed fans to see a different side of the fiercely private athlete, one willing to embrace self-deprecation and confront public narratives head-on. This unprecedented event solidified his post-NFL status as more than just a football icon but a cultural figure unafraid to step into the comedic spotlight and deliver his own savage jokes.
Here’s what New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady had to say during his roast on Netflix Sunday night:
Tom Brady Roast: Brady Doesn’t Hold Back
“I’ve had a lot of tequila. I’ve been up here for two hours listening to a bunch of s****y jokes.”
“Where the f**k did Peyton just walk off the stage?”
“Peyton, thank you so much for coming out to L.A. to do this. I know sometimes you live in Denver, and sometimes you live in Louisiana, but you’ll always live in my shadow.”
“When I heard there was a slow white Bronco heading down the 405 to come here tonight, I thought we might actually see a real football legend.”
“Peyton and I, we go way back. When we started playing, Brett Favre was still faxing his d**k picks, and Antonio Cromartie only had one kid.”
“Well, folks, here we are once again. A packed arena, five minutes on the clock, everything on the line. We need a hero, someone to come from behind and pull this clusterf**k out of the toilet. What the f**k did you guys do here tonight. Looks like it’s time for Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. to step up and lead us to glory because you and I know, and everyone in this dump knows, he can do it.”
“The word hero comes to mind. But I struggle with that word. Because, like the rest of America, I’ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001 when, tragically, those two jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe.”
“Jeff Ross, I want to thank you for talking me into doing this. Another thing that I’m great at. Who knew? Oh yeah, I did. Because I’m about to replace you as the greatest roaster of all time. So hit the bench, Jeff. Tonight, you’re Jew Bledsoe.”
“People ask, Tom, why would you do this roast now? It’s simple. I can take all the hits. I would have done this earlier, but I’ve just been too busy winning championships. Which explains why Peyton did this roast eight years ago.”
“So let’s f*****n go.”
“I’ve heard some people talk about me having bad knees. You know why my knees are so f****d up Kevin? because I’ve spent so many Goddamn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get Chappelle to host this. Yeah, f**k you Kevin. Sit your ass down.”
“Let’s go!”
“Professor Gronkowksi. My boy. Thank you for being here. Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although, the bar for Patriots tight ends was actually pretty low back then. Block, catch, don’t murder.”
“Thanks to me, Gronk was so beloved, there’s a baby rhino in the Tampa zoo named after him and Gronk, I’m here to say, you are not the father. You can stop sending those checks.”
“When you’re Tom Brady, you’re not only feared, you’re envied. People want to be you, right Julian? Bro, you can live in my guest house, swim in my pool, try on my f******g jock or any other sick s**t you do when I’m not around. You’re a f****n stalker, bro. You’ll never be me, ever. Ever. No, you can date a model, or four, steal my cologne, actively lobby to get Peyton Manning removed from the Hall of Fame, but you’ll never be me.”
By the way, I want to set the record straight. Certain haters, you’ve been up here talking s**t about me not having any black receivers. I never noticed. White players, black players, even if I take their job while lying in a f*****n hospital bed coughing up blood, they all get rings when they play with Tom Brady, right Drew?”
“Unless you’re Randy Moss.”
“Can you believe that guy up here, begging me, ‘T-boy, give me one of your rings.’ Bitch, please, you’ll be lucky if I send you a text. I’m not sitting on some plank trying to hook me a catfish. I’m Tom Brady. I’ve got s**t to do.”
“Where’d Ben Affleck go? Look at Ben Affleck, he’s a huge movie star. Jersey Girl? Phantom? Batman? And he’s here defending me. And when has Ben Affleck ever made a bad decision?”
“[Nikki] Glaser, [Andrew] Schultz, [Tony] Hinchcliffe, two racist bears [Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer]. Who picked this s****y lineup? The New York Jets front office? Nice f****n haircut.”
“But I’m not going to say s**t about Sam Jay because she looks like that f****n dude that shredded my ACL. I don’t care if you’re from Boston.”
“Kim Kardashian, thank you so much for being here. I know Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.”
“We’ve got so many great football greats tonight, but where’s Roger Goodell?”
“Remember DeflateGate? The NFL spent $20 million and found that it was ‘more probable than not,’ that I was, ‘generally aware’ that someone may have deflated my footballs? You could have just given me the $20 million, and I would have just told you I f*****g did it.”
[Turns to his former teammates]
“You know what I’m saying?”
“I don’t want to get the NFL too upset. I’m trying to buy a piece of the Raiders. I’m tired of owning just the Colts and the Bills.”
“Buffalo fans call themselves the ‘Bills Mafia.’ How are you the f*****g mafia? At least the mafia has a ring you can kiss.”
“And while we’re at it, screw Colts fans. Colts are just Broncos who don’t f**k.”
“Kansas City, you say your stadium is the loudest? It helps when all your fans are 14-year-old girls.”
“And in honor of Tay Tay, let’s take a look at the Chiefs’ eras. Terrible for 50 years, good for 5. Shake it off.”
“Philly fans are just racist a*****s. But Kevin Hart is from there, so I get it. Yeah, f**k you Kevin.”
“In Philly, they have to grease up the light poles so people don’t climb them after games. You know how they grease up those poles? They rub someone from Philadelphia on them.”
“And Giants fans, f**k Eli and f**k you. Twice.”
“And now, for the real reason you all are here, Coach Bill Belichick. Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say,’ the next one.’ But now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6am a few months ago.”
“Hey, you’ve still got it.”
[points to Belichick]
“Respect, Baby.”
“You know we’ve been through so much. And after two decades, I finally had to admit that all along, it was you. You’re the reason for the Patriots’ dynasty. Because you, Bill Belichick, you are a true coaching genius. I mean, you had to choose between an aging, injured, overpaid Drew Bledsoe and a young, healthy, minimum-wage superstar. I could have gotten a f*****g coach from Foxboro f******g High School to make that decision. Run it again, Belichick.”
“I’ve been out of the game for a minute, so I’m curious: How many Super Bowl rings have you won since I left?”
“Maybe it’s not just the guy on the sideline. When I go to the Indy 500, I don’t ask the winning driver, hey, who gassed up your car?”
“There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but the truth is, I miss the love of my life – football. So to my fans, it’s been honor to be your guy that you can count on to get the team down the field and somehow pull off a last-minute miracle victory, what’s called in football, ‘A Tom Brady.'”
“And to all the rest of you who’ve been talking s**t about me for 20 years, I’ve got one thing to say.”
[smashes a cell phone]
“Lose my number. F**k ’em all, baby.”
(Editor’s Note: This transcript is done via the available footage and is subject to typos. If you spot something, please take a moment to let me know in the comments below.)
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Ian Logue is a Seacoast native and owner and senior writer for PatsFans.com, an independent media site covering the New England Patriots and has been running this site in one form or another since 1997.
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