What Did Drew Bledsoe Say at Tom Brady’s Netflix Roast? Here’s the Full Transcript
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Here’s the full transcript of what former New England Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe said during The Roast of Tom Brady on Netflix Sunday night:
(Editor’s Note: This transcript is done via the available footage and is subject to typos. If you spot something, please take a moment to let me know in the comments below.)
“This is a pretty cool stage up here. This reminds me of … ”
[audience yelling ‘Dreewwww’]
“Settle down, I’ve got some jokes to tell.”
“This stage is really cool. Man, this reminds me of the first round of the draft. You remember, Randy? [motions to Randy Moss]. Willie [McGinest]? You remember. First round. Pretty cool, right?”
“So I’ve got to admit, I’m a little bit nervous tonight. I truly am. Because the last time I was up on stage before Tom Brady, I ended up in the hospital for five days and I lost my damn job.”
“So, real talk. A lot of people just assume that I have a lot of animosity towards Tom Brady. Well, I’m here to tell you tonight, in front of millions of people, that you’re correct, I f****n hate him.”
“But let’s just be honest. A lot of you guys kind of hate him too. I mean, who’s more hateable than the most successful quarterback of all time? … I mean, except maybe Belichick.”
“There was a rumor that coach Belichick was going to be here tonight. Turns out he has some time on his hands. Hey, look, at least when I got fired, somebody else wanted me.”
[Looks behind himself]
“I was worried he was behind me.”
“Look, Tom invited his one black receiver here tonight. That’s very woke of you, buddy. You’re very woke.”
“Anyway, Randy Moss is here. He’s a country-ass bass fisherman from West Virginia who used to own a NASCAR team. Even your black receivers are white dudes. I mean, come on, his name’s Randy. That’s the f*****n whitest name since ‘Kevin.'”
“Rob Gronkowski’s here tonight. He’s Tom’s favorite tight end that wasn’t a murderer.”
“A lot of people don’t know that Gronk is originally from Buffalo. That’s right. He was actually born on a folding table at a Bills tailgate. In a weird twist of fate, that’s also where he was conceived. Apologies to your folks, Rob.”
“The second best #11 to ever play for the Patriots is here, Julian Edelman. Jules is a true unicorn. He’s a short Jewish receiver but he also played defense. Belichick wanted him to play nickel, he held out for dime. Most of his career highlights are just negotiations.”
“So, look, Tom, I’m really glad you enjoyed all this amazing success with the team that I built. Super f****n happy for you, bud.”
“You know, when most people lose their jobs, they start drinking. I started a winery. It’s called Doubleback. It’s named after what Tom does every time he walks past a mirror.”
“You know this move, right?”
[checks his eyebrows]
“You know you do that too.”
“My favorite wine is our world-class cabernet. Tom’s favorite wine is, ‘Where’s the flag?’”
“You know, obviously buddy, you got really used to not being touched, right? Just like the end of the marriage.”
“Look, buddy, you have more rings than I do, but I’ve experienced a couple of things you’ll never experience. The feeling of being the number one overall draft pick in the NFL, and a 28th wedding anniversary, it was yesterday.”
“That actually was yesterday. Love you, baby.”
[Raises glass]
“So when I first met Tom, he was not the greatest of all time. He was not what you see right now. He was just a sensitive pretty boy from San Francisco who wouldn’t shower with the team. And he drove a yellow jeep. A yellow f*****n jeep.”
[Brady says something inaudible]
“Oh, don’t make excuses, dude, it was a yellow f*****g jeep.”
“But look, I am not standing here right now saying that Tom Brady is gay. I’m not. I’m not saying that. But he sure did f*** me.”
“So, now I have to be nice and sincere, and I will be. Look, Man. Tommy, I’ve told you before and I will tell you now in front of millions of people. I’m incredibly proud of all that you’ve accomplished, but I’m far more proud of how you’ve done it. You’ve always been a man of true character and I know you’re going to continue to do great things in the world and I love you.”
“Now, will you please stay f*****g retired? We are sick of this s**t.”
“All right, gotta go.”
(Editor’s Note: This transcript is done via the available footage and is subject to typos. If you spot something, please take a moment to let me know in the comments below.)
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