PatsFanInVa

Welcome one and all to your annual Patsfans.com rolling Pats Draftnik recap. First, our apologies to the teeming dozens for the Draftnik’s stunned silence to this point. I was still placing frenzied 911 calls to New York’s Finest, pronouncing Bill Belichick missing and presumed murdered by a crazed fanboy, driven mad these many years by the Pats’ refusal to draft edge rusher material or a tall cornerback. They keep claiming BB is alive and well, but I think it’s a giant bug from another solar system in a BB suit. Have cameras caught him drinking big glasses of water with a lot of sugar? No matter. Somebody drafted some front seven guys, and that’s all the Draftnik needs. We’ve been abysmal anyway, only going to five of the last eleven super bowls, and of those, only winning three. We deserve better, and it’s about time Bill – or whoever is playing Bill in the war room this year – recognizes it.

Random note: the Draftnik is somewhat out of it, but has just run across the Indy Fans’ campaign last year, “Suck for Luck.” Evidently, it meant “lose every game you can so we get Andrew Luck,” and the slogan worked. If you’ve ever met the ex-head-cheerleader from an Indy high school, you know it doesn’t always. But hell, the Ralston Purina plant needs fading ex-hotties too, right?

And let me add this disclaimer: The Rolling Draft Re-Cap is a purely satirical exercise, internet tough-guy. Relax and laugh, it’s cheaper than calling a hooker to give you an enema and calling it part of your kink.

Moving right along: without further ado, here is your Pats Draftnik Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap:

Round 1, pick 21, from Cincinatti. Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse; 6’5, 266 lbs. The moon turned blood red, dogs laid down with cats, and the New England Patriots traded up, ah say up, in the 2012 draft. First Cinci signed the Law-Firm, and now that we can’t sue, they steal our third-round pick. Chandler? He’s undersized and gets easily confused, but that’s what they said about Ross Perot, and look where… oh yeah. His brother’s the reigning UFC light heavyweight champ, and now we know who he warmed up on. Needs to come back from a knee injury, never finished college, but by God, he’s an edge rusher. Pats Draftnik Grade: A++++++++

Round 1, pick 25, from Denver, Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama; 6’2, 265 lbs. Denver lost McDaniels, they lost their faith in God, or at least God’s quarterback, and they gained a retread T-Mobile pitchman. Denver’s angry, but they have their revenge on the Pats and the universe: they now have our fourth and our original first, enough to still snag some blue chip O-line talent to… oh wait, that’s right, they traded our old first to Tampa. I’m thinking Josh was the brain of that operation, so far as it had one. Never mind that they’re doing the trade-down-for-value routine usually associated with the Pats. Come to think of it, I can dis the Donks on that one too: can’t have our OC as your head coach, Shanny moved to DC, might as well at least rip off our old draft persona. Hell, we’re not using it anymore.

Right, Dont’a Hightower. Comes with sterling undergrad pedigree, won Steve Jobs Memorial Trophy for Most Likely To Be Autocorrected If You Tweet His Name. Also a first-team all-American, and a finalist for a bunch of awards he didn’t win. Not related to Tim Hightower, but may be related to Reverend Hightower from Faulkner’s Light in August. Okay that’s a straight-up lie. But most people south of Maryland are related one way or another, and sometimes several. Wore gray hoodie at draft, hard not to pick. Plays Will linebacker, or more likely Will Not linebacker, given injury history. So what if he was all-American after the injury? A bum knee is a bum knee…. But, he can rush the quarterback! Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++

Round 2, Pick 48, Tavon Wilson, Free Safety, Illinois; 6’0, 205 lbs.



What’s the singular of Illini? Is he an Illinus? Whatever. He’s one Illin whatever projected to go in one of those rounds they don’t have anymore. You know how the stealth fighter has the radar profile of a hummingbird or something? On most teams’ radars this guy had the radar profile of a stealthed hummingbird. On a sentimental note, Troy Brown happily announced the selection, half suspecting that if they didn’t draft somebody at the position he’d be back to play it by week 12. On the plus side, frequently seen in the same general vicinity as the play, but lacks closing speed. Maybe Bill saw something special in this kid, blah blah blah. This is the Draftnik. We know better. Pats Draftnik Grade: D

Round 3, Pick 90, Jake Bequette, DE, Arkansas; 6'5", 274 lbs. Four-year starter, third generation Arkansas product; father and grandfather both played, as well as his uncle, who rumor has it is also his cousin and brother-in-law. Don't try to diagram it, it was pretty ad hoc. I'm sure it's possible down there. Another guy who can get into the backfield, but the only one who didn't get the memo about standing up defensive ends to make them 3-4 outside linebackers. Says he was "a little surprised" to get linebacker work at the combine, then didn't bench-press, possibly because he thought that's a lineman thing. Is supposed to be Mike Vrabel when he grows up. Versatile like Bill likes 'em, coach him up and if he listens, he's Mark Sanchez' nightmare. Not the one with the toes, the other one with the turf-eating and the whirlpool and the icy hot. At least people in the room knew who he was, unlike Tavon Wilson, who (unless he's another guy but in the witness protection program or something,) came out of nowhere. Not even downtown metropolitan nowhere, the suburbs of nowhere. Seriously. More people knew the whereabouts of Bin Laden three years ago than this Wilson guy. Salmon Rushdie had a higher public profile. Not so Jake Bequette. Average at everything else, lauded for one-on-one skills; has some problems off the edge, but the Smart People say it can be fixed. If not, let him back up the DEs and LBs and play special teams, and see how bad he wants it. Oh wait did I mention he can rush the QB? Pats Draftnik Grade: A+++++++++++++++ The extra plusses are for buying in volume. Bonus: Trade-down gets us back into the fifth round, so the specter of having a weekend to ourselves is now officially dispelled.

Why?PJ

you missed one. And speaking of stunned, that was actually worth reading. I'm shocked.

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shirtsleeve

Well, I am making a joke about how BB was pumped full of horse tranq's last night and strapped to a radiator, tonight the tranqs wore off and he chewed through the straps. Got me scratching my head again. I kinda got the two A+++ grades backwards from you but thats minor.

Tonight. There were better S's on the board, like the kid from SC. But what made it worse was the horrible trade down later. No value gained. He used the 3rd round pick to take a project. It was like a Jeckyl and Hyde two days for me.

PatsFanInVa

I'm with ya Shirtsleeve. Clearly they Manchurian Candidated him to behave in ways he otherwise wouldn't when he hears the trigger phrases "Defensive End" or "WILL linebacker." Rumor has it he overheard one teenage girl gossiping with another, heard her say "Omigawd she's so defensive and," and wandered for three hours looking for their friend Sarah Connor to try to draft her.

That Tavon Wilson pick still just mystifies me... I spend a lot of time in the political forum and think "Tavon" is just too close... maybe BB had a "reasonable fear" someone else would pick him and pulled the trigger. I dunno about that "stand your ground" war room rule... seems like it could lead to tragedy...

Bostonian1962

I'm mixed on this draft. First, they only had 6 picks because they traded other picks. The fact that they got little for the other picks has to be factored in. O.K., well at least they had 6 picks in the first four rounds. In a perfect world, all 6 of those would become stud players.

They traded away two more picks in order to get two prime picks in Round 1. I'm happy about that. They also looked good with two 2's, and we could have come out with 4 players that we were all happy about. Those two 2's turned into Tavon Wilson, a 7th Round to free agent type, and a DE rated at the 4th or 5th Round level.

They've got a 5th now too, but who cares?

When we all threw around the names of who we might come out of Friday with, with those two 2's, how many of us picked those two names? Maybe if we had two 5ths we would have, but this can not be sugar coated into anything more than a disappointment for me. What a waste.

The good news is, I thought something like this might happen, so I didn't play draftnik like I have for 40 years. I didn't buy a single draft guide, like I have year after year. I'm now very happy about that, but a bit bummed about this draft.

PatsFanInVa

Seriously, Bostonian? I think the "reaches" are more "first to reach" picks, regardless of team. What "everybody says" is what the clubs are thinking is never corroborated, because NFL teams aren't going to tell you. That's why I've always been so buttheadedly sarcastic about the sport of draftology. There's no such thing as a reach, because you don't know what the other war rooms thought -- whatever Mel Kiper thinks, it could be assumed (for relatively good reasons) that Tavon's stock is soaring, and Mel just doesn't have the inside. Same on any other team's reaches. Projected to be a 5th or 6th or 7th? Whatever you say, draft media. What he was was a 2nd -- thing is we have no proof he would not have been a 2nd anyway.

Of course, that pick came from the Raiders (I believe,) so it might have been an homage to the memory of Al Davis to burn the pick you got from him so it might go with him to the afterlife, that he might spend it on the Happy Drafting Grounds that the coaching fraternity believes awaits them in the hereafter.

Who knows.

PatsFanInVa

And now, for the teeming dozens, the "rolling" part of the Rolling Draft Re-Cap, format-wise. Patsfans.com's "edit" button is a fickle mistress.

When we last left our Rolling Draft Re-Cap, we were assuring ourselves that we'd have the distinct pleasure of awaiting a fifth-round pick, to extend the treasure hunt that is day 3 of the draft that much longer. Little did we know that Bill Belichick would be released by the crazed fanboys who kidnapped him on day 1, and that he'd trade down more than a debutante-cum-soccer-mom with a crack habit and an affinity for slot machines. And so, the fun just went on and on...

Round 6, Pick #197, "Nasty" Nate Ebner, DB, THE Ohio State University; 6'0", 205 lbs. Quoted as saying "Did I think I'd be in a position to get drafted? No way." In fact, he didn't actually know the positions in football a couple of years ago. For the curious, here he is in action for Ohio State Sevens: Nate Ebner Ohio State 7's - YouTube

Don't talk to this kid about conditioning. He played rugby. You know what rugby is? It's football, without pads, and every play is the kickoff. Or you could say it's soccer for people who like to hit, and sometimes bite and maybe stomp, and also catch the ball with their hands.

Want more? Hilliard Davidson High School - yeah, that close to "Harley" -- but more Hilliard intrigue to come (see below). MVP, Rugby World Cup, '07 and '08, but I'm pretty sure that's the kiddie division. Still, impressive. 2009 Big 10 All Academic team, but you have to think about schools in the Big 10, other than Michigan. Prefers weights to social interaction, and majored in -- I am not making this up -- Exercise Science. He just made Department Chair Dr. Richard Simmons a very proud man.

You have to think with this pedigree, he'll claw his way onto the special teams roster. Only downside, given where he was drafted: He can't rush the quarterback. Pats Draftnik Grade: B

Round 7, Pick #224, Alfonzo Dennard, CB, Nebraska; 5'10" 204. Played thug at Nebraska, projects as butt-wipe at the pro level. Got ejected from a bowl game for fighting a receiver, evidently got a lot of guff for picking on wideouts, subsequently went after a cop in Lincoln. Bright lights, big city can do that to a kid, right? Come on. What kind of beef can you get into in Lincoln Nebraska? He managed to do it. Physical corner in man coverage, sluggish when playing off, beats the crap out of receivers at the line of scrimmage, sometimes within the confines of the rules. Great closing speed, only problem's at closing time. With one pick the Pats simultaneously replace Brandon "Stomps" Merriwether and find a cellmate for Ryan Mallet. Huge value for a seventh-round castoff, if he can clean up the act. He'll have to fight for a spot on the team, but that doesn't seem like something he shies away from. But let's close with a uniformly negative Draftnik note: Bill, what have we told you about corners under 6'??? What do we pay you for????? Pats Draftnik Grade: AA, for aggravated assault.

Round 7, Pick #235, Jeremy Ebert, WR, Northwestern; 5'11, 200 lbs. If you were playing the Wes Welker Comparison Drinking Game at home, it was a long three days -- down the hatch! Ebert's the second coming of Wes, Julian Edelman, and every other shifty slot type that's ever caught BB's eye or for that matter a football, to hear the networks tell it. My first reaction: Is he the fat one or the bald one? My second reaction: Is he a quarterback-rushing WR? No? Eh well, can't have everything.

The Hilliard Connection continues; attended Hilliard Darby High School. Now you have to wonder what demented film room rat actually spent hours watching Hilliard Darby vs. Hilliard Davidson cross-town rivalry footage, but clearly, somebody did. Either that or he had a beer with Nate Ebner and Ebner talked him into Ebert. And what the hell's with the "Ebs" anyway?

Back on topic: NW had him at 6'0, 195, but the official stats say 5'11, 200. Now I can see him gaining 5 pounds, but losing an inch of height sounds sketchy. That tells me one thing: Little Guy Complex. Edelman's got it. Welker's got it. Hell, Napoleon had it, and if you think about it, Welker did a hell of a goose step in that one picture. Point is, it's worked for us so far.

Look for him to compete with a chip on his shoulder. Actually that's his dad, Chip -- athletic director at Hilliard Darby. Says his favorite song is "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam, and adds "self-explanatory." Really? Isn't that the song about the abused kid? Okay, that crack about a Chip on his shoulder was really just an innocent pun, I swear.

In any event, whatever dark sick Hilliard Payton Place (not to be confused with Payton Hillis' place, which was pretty much the most endangered one south of the arctic ice cap until he signed with KC) spawned this kid, it looks like he's got twisted motivation to compete. Pats Draftnik Grade: B. We liked this movie the first couple of times, hell, we'll see it again.

And that concludes your Pats Draftnik Annual Rolling Draft Re-Cap for 2012. We hope you enjoyed the unique draft insights that only the Draftnik can bring. If the scotch doesn't treat the Draftnik too rough, we may return for UDFAs in the morning. For tonight, don't forget to tip your server and have a pleasant end-of-draft evening. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here.

Sciz

To be fair, he had a sack on 1/3 of his defensive snaps. And by 1/3, I literally mean one out of three

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PatsFanInVa

LOL little issue w/the sample size? Now I know how the "four out of five dentists" thing started

blackglass3

*DISCLAIMER - I have no idea what actually happened and I don't feel like Googling it.*

I can see a kid getting into trouble in Lincoln, NE. Even though it's not as big as Omaha, it is a pretty decent size (for the Midwest) and it is a college town. Lots of bars, lots of drinking, lots of cops tired of dealing with drunk college kids, especially the ones on the Huskers who are treated like royalty (or at least were when I was stationed in Omaha).

I'm willing to let it play out. I can't kill the kid for being immature and acting up, especially in that city.